Alora Fane

Ugh, yet another week where I've made no worthwhile progress on game dev projects, largely due to frustrations about the mental health 'help' I've been getting.

Promoting Atonal Dreams is particularly daunting to me due to trauma from the toxicity of Fig Hunter, so my plan was to get some mental health help, work through some of those issues, and then get back on track with that.

My hope when I saw my GP a few weeks ago was that I'd be referred to free, weekly counselling like I had for two separate months-longs periods in the past, but that's not what happened.

Instead I've been passed from one person to the next, told to go to things run by one organisation that might tell me something about a different organisation who might direct me to yet another, etc, etc, and it all feels like I'm not really getting anywhere, or not getting what I feel I need, and it's frustrating.

One person told me to improve my health and get more exercise, as they're tied to wellbeing. Not untrue, but it feels like it's not the issue.

Another suggested that by going to various things I'll improve my self-esteem, which in my experience is what kind-hearted but not-themselves-mentally-ill people assume is the root cause of any kind of personal struggles, which I find frustrating because that's not the issue for me. The stuff I make gives me a sense of personal value; the social anxiety I have about interacting with people comes more from a negative/fearful view of people in general, seeing them as tribalistic brutes who cast out anyone perceived to be abnormal for the sake of ensuring the safety of the tribe.

My main issue though is isolation, and it's an issue many people suffer with - especially recently, though I wonder to what extent it seems so only because of technological developments that allow it to be more accurately measured - because it's not as if there's an easy solution. Meeting people is hard, not because of the steps in the social dance that takes you from strangers to friends, but because even crossing paths with compatible strangers you could potentially become friends is all down to chance. Especially if you work from home, as I do, and don't already have a web of existing connections.

It's frustrating hearing about how you just need to put in the effort! from people who just lucked into the connections in their lives without going through some gruelling gauntlet of effort-putting-in themselves.

...Anyway, I already scrapped a 3000-word rant about this and was intending to just summarise it, but got carried away again. It is really frustrating, after all.

It's made it difficult to focus on games dev, and honestly I feel fairly lost in general.

I recently started working on porting my old games while waiting for this mental health help stuff, but returning to the old files comes with mixed feelings. Some slight nostalgia, but it's overwhelmed by feelings of "but I've moved on from this", or feeling like I'm going backwards or something.

I do still intend to do it, but... the excitement of pushing forward that I get from working on new stuff just isn't there.

I've also tried to work on some other stuff like Dreamons, Atonal Dreams, or some side projects, all things I 'want' to work on, but I've just not been able to focus because I feel so... lost, stuck, hopeless, frustrated, something like that.

I've spent more time just investigating various online places where I might have a better hope of meeting someone like-minded than if I go to some local yoga group or whatever, which I talked about at length in the original version of this post, but... I'll just summarise it by saying I had flashes of hope, far more frustration, and ultimately the whole thing was largely fruitless.

My parents are going away on yet another two-week holiday, so I'll also have looking after the adjacent community hall and dog hanging over me... I hate the thought of taking time off when I've already done little in weeks, but... I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

I'd like to put CBC on Steam or mention it on Reddit or something (I did at least write out a draft of such a post), if I'm able to concentrate at all.

12 COMMENTS

kidupiscean37~2Y

Interesting article I've just read and may be relevant to you?

[LINK]

Tobias 1115~2Y

I appreciate you thinking of me, but I read the whole article, and it just seems to be talking about a fairly surface-level "scary things are scary" sort of thing, whereas my issues stem from more severe trauma.

He mentions many people being scared of public speaking because public speaking is scary, for example. In my case, it's more like I fear public speaking because (more than?) one time when I was giving a speech, a deeply disturbed person in the audience took out a gun and shot me in the shoulder. It requires a bit more work to repair the mental harm in cases like this.

astralwolf92~2Y

Maybe you should try online chatrooms, that’s what my girlfriend does

Tobias 1115~2Y

What do you mean by 'online chatrooms'?

astralwolf92~2Y

Just Google “chatrooms”, there are many. She uses a sexchat in particular, but even in there it’s highly differentiated. There’s a room to talk about almost anything, and from what I’ve seen, people aren’t very confrontational. It did seem odd to me at first but after viewing it for a while, I can understand the sense of community and camaraderie it fosters lol. She doesn’t have many IRL friends either, so she relies on them a lot for support. And sites like those tend to attract the more dysfunctional as well as eloquent types, so I guess more of your cup of tea?

RedHalo30007~2Y

Discord server Voice Chat channels can be a great place to chat with people, if it's a good community

PierceWickstorm29~2Y

I know exactly what you mean right now. Trauma from my previous experience I've mentioned before is keeping me from the game development I'm working on. I can't even come up with a title.

As for social experience, I get it. You want to form a connection with someone, but something is keeping you from completely getting there. It's like there's a signal jammer around you. Even if you find by chance there's a person you feel you could be friends with, something in your mind tells you, "What if I'm wrong? What if they hurt me in response to my kindness?" Well, it might not be exactly like that, but my point is it's hard to break that.

I'm in no position to give you any advice on it, as my mental health also declines as much as it rises. But what I can do is be a person who understands your circumstances and gives you support when you need it. I got your back. And most of the people around here would say the same thing.

Tobias 1115~2Y

I'm sorry to hear that trauma is a barrier for you, too! Sorry for not remembering, but what experience was that that you've mentioned before?

I see a lot of people on Reddit talking about this mental barrier that prevents connection, but that's not the issue I face. It's just extremely rare that I encounter people I feel I'd be compatible with. When I do, I share quickly and easily and close connections develop fast. It's just finding those opportunities in the first place. So much of it is entirely down to random luck.

Though I suppose a big thing for me is that my experiences of dealing with thousands of males and just a handful of females, and having many, many frustrating experiences with the former and way more positive experiences with the latter, have made me reluctant to befriend guys, so maybe that's a similar thing? I'm aware it's unfair and I'm only limiting myself, but it seems to be fairly deeply rooted in my approach to other people at this point.

PierceWickstorm29~2Y

Luck also has a bit of a hand in it as well. Could it also be that those around have this mental barrier that prevents them from wanting to connect with you? It's a question I think of every now and then. I know of a person who hated my guts and had the barrier around him. He's one of my closest friends now.

I can say I am a bit more balanced in terms of males and females. Meeting both the same amount and having issues with both in the same amount. In the end, your experiences will define the way you believe how things will go.

As for the experience I mentioned, I am referring to when I worked for both groups that you gave your blessing to for continuing Mardek. I can send you a link to the post I wrote about it.

Astreon152~2Y

"Another suggested that by going to various things I'll improve my self-esteem, which in my experience is what kind-hearted but not-themselves-mentally-ill people assume is the root cause of any kind of personal struggles, which I find frustrating because that's not the issue for me. The stuff I make gives me a sense of personal value; the social anxiety I have about interacting with people comes more from a negative/fearful view of people in general, seeing them as tribalistic brutes who cast out anyone perceived to be abnormal for the sake of ensuring the safety of the tribe".

I'm perplexed: you often depict how "awkward" you feel when doing basic social interactions, like getting on the bus. Isn't this akwardness partly due to a lack of self-esteem ? Not with regard to your objective value, but to your relative value ?
I'm struggling to explain, but it seems to me as if you fear what other people might think of you; so, if you had a stubbornly positive opinion of yourself, wouldn't this fear, which you yourself know is mostly unfounded (as in, it's what your project on others, not what they actually think of you), not manifest itself ?

Is there really no link at all between how one esteems themselves and how one perceives their own social value ?

I'm perplexed: you often depict how "awkward" you feel when doing basic social interactions, like getting on the bus. Isn't this akwardness partly due to a lack of self-esteem ? Not with regard to your objective value, but to your relative value ? 
I'm struggling to explain, but it seems to me as if you fear what other people might think of you; so, if you had a stubbornly positive opinion of yourself, wouldn't this fear, which you yourself know is mostly unfounded (as in, it's what your project on others, not what they actually think of you), not manifest itself ?

Is there really no link at all between how one esteems themselves and how one perceives their own social value ?

Tobias 1115~2Y

The awkwardness for me comes from an acute awareness of my inexperience combined with a desire not to inconvenience or annoy people because I don't want to be inconvenienced or annoyed myself. With something like getting on the bus, my fear would be doing something wrong in a way that'd hold up people who were waiting, or making them uncomfortable by behaving in a way that's alien due to my inexperience.

It's not that there's no link between 'self-esteem' and self-perceived social value, it just bothers me when people assume it's the sole cause, like when people see someone odd and assume autism, because how else could anyone possibly be odd? I find it to be a frustrating oversimplification.

(Also I don't have a high degree of 'self-esteem', I just don't see it as the primary issue that I face because there are several other more relevant ones.)

Slothboy2531~2Y

Have you tried talking to your GP again to explain how you're feeling and see if there are any other options for support? There may be other resources available in your community that your GP can refer you to. One thing you might consider is looking for a therapist who specializes in trauma. It may take some effort, but it's worth it to have someone who can provide targeted support. I encourage you to keep advocating for yourself and seeking out resources that may be more helpful.