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Acceptance as an Antidote

7 years ago932 words

My thought processes have been quite toxic for the last couple of years. This isn't leading anywhere good. Mindful acceptance seems the ideal antidote, so I want to work more on cultivating that.

My mind is convinced that to be happy, I need to find love, a relationship. I am unloved, so I ache. I suffer because I'm alone. Only when someone tenderly holds me, wants me, will I feel like life is worth living.

But I've been in a relationship before, and my thoughts were more toxic for much of that, if anything.

I have what's called an insecure attachment style; maybe I've written about this before. How a baby is treated by its parents determines the attitude it'll have in adult relationships, to a large degree. Proper love and care leave the child secure; they don't fret about being abandoned because there's no reason for them to expect that. But neglect and actual or perceived abandonment condition the child to anticipate being abandoned by anyone they become close to, while cultivating an aching starvation for the love they lacked. This leads to clinging insecurity, a constant need for reassurance, hypervigilance for threats that might cut off the supply of love. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, of course; by being so fearful of losing the one they're close to, they become insufferable and drive them away. People can only put up with it for so long.

Neither one of my parents is exclusively to blame, and blaming them doesn't achieve anything. But it is a fact that my childhood lacked the love I should have had, and now I'm struggling with the long-lasting scar on my heart.

In the one relationship I've had, I was intensely jealous and insecure, and that's what tore it apart.

I'm noticing exactly the same patterns repeating with my one close friendship. I've been saying this for months now, but back then at least I was getting some reassurances. They've stopped now. Her replies are colder, my expressions of appreciation uncomfortably unreciprocated.

Even if I were to find a romantic relationship, I'd be the same. Clingy, insecure, afraid. I'm not comfortable within myself, and feel that I need another's love to be complete. But the doubts about whether they'll stay put me on edge.

I said that my mind is convinced I'll be happy if I find a relationship, find love. The natural response to this desire is to try and meet the desire by acquiring the craved object; to find something externally to feed the feelings.

But wouldn't it be better, easier, to instead address the thought itself, the desire?

Perhaps my mind's wiring could be depicted like this:

( I'm okay )--->( But I need love )--->( I lack it )--->( I am unhappy )

Rather than addressing the issue at the 'I lack it' level, instead I could do this:

( I'm okay )-/ /-->( But I need love )--->( I lack it )--->( I am unhappy )

It's all about accepting what is rather than longing for things to be other than they are.

I've talked about all this before, but it seems to be a lesson I need to keep relearning. If only eureka moments would lead to permanent changes! But I suppose there's a lot of input that reinforces the old beliefs - most media accentuates the ultimate value of romance - and it takes some level of effort to keep re-rewiring.

Altering inner beliefs is at the core of many teachings, such as Buddhism, Stoicism, and to some extent mindfulness and similar things. It does seem to be abundantly true that our beliefs shape our world, and many people have realised this from different perspectives. At the top of this page, it says "Change your mind, and you change your world"; I just need to keep reminding myself of that somehow.

It's a shame that knowing all this is so different to living it. I set up all kinds of little reminders to hopefully help this outlook stick, but I become numb to them, and old thought habits reassert themselves. My phone reminds me to 'accept things as they are', that 'inner demons yield spiritual EXP'. But though I see those reminders, I no longer absorb them.

I've just got an app called Headspace, which I've been hearing about for a while but which I've never tried. Maybe you're already familiar with it, or use it yourself! It doesn't teach me anything I don't already know, but perhaps using that for ten minutes every day will help reinforce this attitude shift.

I do feel that I've learned that help can never truly come externally. Nobody will save me. I have to do that myself. And while that's a profoundly sad thought - I'm so tired of being alone - I'm also aware that looking after myself doesn't necessarily mean resigning myself to a life of isolation. If anything, it'd make me more desirable to other people, and I'd make connections that way. Pity isn't a healthy basis for any kind of meaningful relationship, after all.

Anyway. I skimmed through all my old posts here a couple of days ago, and noticed that I seem to go around in circles. I have these realisations again and again, write about them as if they're epiphanous, then soon after revert to sulking about my many woes. That's a bit embarrassing... but at least fleeting flirts with self-salvation are better than sulking in the pit without change forever. Maybe one of these attempts to leap into the sky will result in flight. It's always better to try.