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Creative Constipation & Moody Music

2 years ago - Edited 2 years ago929 words

I've continued struggling to focus on games dev due to my recent attempts to get mental health help only exacerbating my issues. I composed some moody music about getting old though!!

People say to the mentally ill that they need to 'get therapy', as if the moment they decide to do that they'll be magically cured or something.

Well, I'm still waiting to 'get therapy', and since starting the process over a month ago I've felt more depressed than I have in ages. I haven't done any meaningful work in weeks. It's extremely frustrating.

(I didn't even bother updating this blog last weekend since all I'd be saying was essentially that.)

I have at the very least heard about some free, long-term counselling service that sounds similar to what I had in the past and I was looking for when I contacted the GP weeks ago, but I'm currently waiting to get an email from them to arrange a phone call and... ugh. Who knows how many weeks it'll take after that before I actually start seeing anyone.

I also had to look after the house, adjacent community hall, and dog for the past couple of weeks while my parents are away, which a well-adjusted person wouldn't think twice about but which always seems to essentially incapacitate me. I'd ramble about the hows and whys but... whatever. That's over now.

I wanted to work on game dev stuff. I tried working on the ports of my old games, but couldn't focus. Tried Atonal Dreams. Same. No luck with other recent projects like Dreamons either. I couldn't make any progress at all even on personal, private projects I make for the fun of it. I even thought about starting some brand new game just to revive some kind of enthusiasm, but didn't even get past the ideas stage (probably for the best since I shouldn't get distracted, but still).

The issue feels like a writer's/artist's block, or 'creative constipation'; sitting down trying and wanting to produce something but nothing comes out. It's probably related to the brain's executive functioning somehow - the main issue people with ADHD apparently have to deal with - but... I don't know. It's very annoying, and I'm hoping I'll have better luck next week.

I did compose a couple of pieces of music, at least, so I've got at least something done. I've uploaded one of them the YouTube channel I recently made (though based on the view counts on that channel I wonder if anyone's actually interested):



I don't typically use music composition to ~express my feelings~, though I suppose this was an attempt at putting into music feelings I'd been having after my 35th birthday last month. It uses silent lyrics which you can read on the score, though these were actually added last, after all the actual music was in place, so I had to fit them to the melodies rather than vice versa. (I've also written out the lyrics in the video's description section.)

Despite the title, it's not about suicide; it's more about the harsh reality that I've likely missed out on things like finding a partner and building a career, at least in the way I might have preferred them to go. While it's not impossible to find either at this point, the path I'd be taking would be very different to how I hoped they'd go (eg pairing together with a mid-30's divorcee with another man's children is very different to figuring out how the world works together with a fellow young person as puppy love blossoms into a mature partnership... which is an ideal presented in fiction, though I wonder how common it actually is).

I have mixed feelings about the composition. Or rather, I'm very proud of it in a creative sense, but when imagining showing it to others I just anticipate mocking, smirking criticism instead of appreciation that'll only spoil the positive feelings I have about it (or them getting concerned that I'm suicidal when I'm not). I suppose posting it despite those negative assumptions is a way of testing their accuracy... so I'll be curious to see how that goes.



...I also wrote out a whole other half to this post about a couple of games I'd been playing recently, but I'll post that separately in a few days (hopefully I'll actually remember to do that...).

I'm hoping to get back to the Flash game ports next week, but... we'll see how that goes. Depends on whether or not my brain will cooperate.



Oh, also, EDIT: Music born from misery is hardly uncommon even in popular genres (emo was a whole genre based entirely around it, wasn't it?), but I've been following this creator for a while and find his work interesting:



(I may have mentioned something else by him in this blog before.)

He writes songs about his own mental issues, though I'd say the comically boisterous style despite the topic, sung lyrics, and animation make it waaaay more accessible and appealing to a fairly wide audience (it's probably got strong appeal for the generation that makes their suffering into memes, like all their friends do). All the comments I've seen are positive, praising his multitalentedness, and honestly it makes me envious, regretful of not putting myself out there more... or maybe resentful of the reasons that I've been wary about doing so. Or something.

I'm still worried about a negative response for mine, though. Maybe a comical approach would be more palatable? Hmm.