Alora Fane

I've continued struggling to focus on games dev due to my recent attempts to get mental health help only exacerbating my issues. I composed some moody music about getting old though!!

People say to the mentally ill that they need to 'get therapy', as if the moment they decide to do that they'll be magically cured or something.

Well, I'm still waiting to 'get therapy', and since starting the process over a month ago I've felt more depressed than I have in ages. I haven't done any meaningful work in weeks. It's extremely frustrating.

(I didn't even bother updating this blog last weekend since all I'd be saying was essentially that.)

I have at the very least heard about some free, long-term counselling service that sounds similar to what I had in the past and I was looking for when I contacted the GP weeks ago, but I'm currently waiting to get an email from them to arrange a phone call and... ugh. Who knows how many weeks it'll take after that before I actually start seeing anyone.

I also had to look after the house, adjacent community hall, and dog for the past couple of weeks while my parents are away, which a well-adjusted person wouldn't think twice about but which always seems to essentially incapacitate me. I'd ramble about the hows and whys but... whatever. That's over now.

I wanted to work on game dev stuff. I tried working on the ports of my old games, but couldn't focus. Tried Atonal Dreams. Same. No luck with other recent projects like Dreamons either. I couldn't make any progress at all even on personal, private projects I make for the fun of it. I even thought about starting some brand new game just to revive some kind of enthusiasm, but didn't even get past the ideas stage (probably for the best since I shouldn't get distracted, but still).

The issue feels like a writer's/artist's block, or 'creative constipation'; sitting down trying and wanting to produce something but nothing comes out. It's probably related to the brain's executive functioning somehow - the main issue people with ADHD apparently have to deal with - but... I don't know. It's very annoying, and I'm hoping I'll have better luck next week.

I did compose a couple of pieces of music, at least, so I've got at least something done. I've uploaded one of them the YouTube channel I recently made (though based on the view counts on that channel I wonder if anyone's actually interested):

I don't typically use music composition to ~express my feelings~, though I suppose this was an attempt at putting into music feelings I'd been having after my 35th birthday last month. It uses silent lyrics which you can read on the score, though these were actually added last, after all the actual music was in place, so I had to fit them to the melodies rather than vice versa. (I've also written out the lyrics in the video's description section.)

Despite the title, it's not about suicide; it's more about the harsh reality that I've likely missed out on things like finding a partner and building a career, at least in the way I might have preferred them to go. While it's not impossible to find either at this point, the path I'd be taking would be very different to how I hoped they'd go (eg pairing together with a mid-30's divorcee with another man's children is very different to figuring out how the world works together with a fellow young person as puppy love blossoms into a mature partnership... which is an ideal presented in fiction, though I wonder how common it actually is).

I have mixed feelings about the composition. Or rather, I'm very proud of it in a creative sense, but when imagining showing it to others I just anticipate mocking, smirking criticism instead of appreciation that'll only spoil the positive feelings I have about it (or them getting concerned that I'm suicidal when I'm not). I suppose posting it despite those negative assumptions is a way of testing their accuracy... so I'll be curious to see how that goes.

...I also wrote out a whole other half to this post about a couple of games I'd been playing recently, but I'll post that separately in a few days (hopefully I'll actually remember to do that...).

I'm hoping to get back to the Flash game ports next week, but... we'll see how that goes. Depends on whether or not my brain will cooperate.

Oh, also, EDIT: Music born from misery is hardly uncommon even in popular genres (emo was a whole genre based entirely around it, wasn't it?), but I've been following this creator for a while and find his work interesting:

(I may have mentioned something else by him in this blog before.)

He writes songs about his own mental issues, though I'd say the comically boisterous style despite the topic, sung lyrics, and animation make it waaaay more accessible and appealing to a fairly wide audience (it's probably got strong appeal for the generation that makes their suffering into memes, like all their friends do). All the comments I've seen are positive, praising his multitalentedness, and honestly it makes me envious, regretful of not putting myself out there more... or maybe resentful of the reasons that I've been wary about doing so. Or something.

I'm still worried about a negative response for mine, though. Maybe a comical approach would be more palatable? Hmm.

8 COMMENTS

MontyCallay101~2Y

Good to see you're still hanging in there - sorry the wait for a spot with the counselling service is so long though.

From what I know (though I'm unsure to what extent this applies to your situation) it might make it easier to be referred to some more specialised therapy programme if you could get a medical diagnosis for your condition, if you don't have one yet?

I really like that composition of yours, though! It's very coherent and does seem to convey your thoughts and general emotional state quite well, so your positive feelings are justified! Who would mock you for this? You've been writing about this sort of thing for years, and I don't know of anyone who sincerely believes that you are only allowed to convey happy or joyful feelings in music, which would be ridiculous.

If this helps at all, let me reassure you again that both your options and your perception of them will expand exponentially once you are able to regain some of that independence and executive functioning to go out into the world. Your perception that you are now some sort of failed-at-life loser who would only ever be a bother to other people is, as you know, a product of your history and current environment, and not in the slightest true in an objective, necessary sense.

Good to see you're still hanging in there - sorry the wait for a spot with the counselling service is so long though.

From what I know (though I'm unsure to what extent this applies to your situation) it might make it easier to be referred to some more specialised therapy programme if you could get a medical diagnosis for your condition, if you don't have one yet?

I really like that composition of yours, though! It's very coherent and does seem to convey your thoughts and general emotional state quite well, so your positive feelings are justified! Who would mock you for this? You've been writing about this sort of thing for years, and I don't know of anyone who sincerely believes that you are only allowed to convey happy or joyful feelings in music, which would be ridiculous.

If this helps at all, let me reassure you again that both your options and your perception of them will expand exponentially once you are able to regain some of that independence and executive functioning to go out into the world. Your perception that you are now some sort of failed-at-life loser who would only ever be a bother to other people is, as you know, a product of your history and current environment, and not in the slightest true in an objective, necessary sense.

Tobias 1115~2Y

I've been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder in the past, but I don't even feel that's the main issue anymore. It's something more like trauma from the Fig Hunter (etc) stuff, so, what, PTSD, maybe?

What I've noticed is that the GPs are overworked and don't really have the time or expertise to do a diagnosis themselves, but then who would I see to give me one? Just getting in touch with anyone mental-health-focused would be a nice first step, but it's proving difficult. Looking for something free and living in a sleepy seaside town are both important factors there; it'd be easier if I lived in a big city and was rich.

These blog posts frequently get comments that I'd describe as snarky or mocking, usually from the same handful of people, though I generally don't approve them so you wouldn't be aware of how frequent they are. Frustratingly, they're some of the more reliable commenters, too, so I wouldn't say assuming that kind of feedback on this was entirely baseless.

I am objectively a 'failure' with regards to certain typical milestones, and that's not just warped self-perception. Many people would negatively judge me for living with my parents at age 35, for example. Though I don't even want to try to connect with such people. Finding 'my people' is the dream, but where?

What I've noticed is that the GPs are overworked and don't really have the time or expertise to do a diagnosis themselves, but then who would I see to give me one? Just getting in touch with /anyone/ mental-health-focused would be a nice first step, but it's proving difficult. Looking for something free and living in a sleepy seaside town are both important factors there; it'd be easier if I lived in a big city and was rich.

These blog posts frequently get comments that I'd describe as snarky or mocking, usually from the same handful of people, though I generally don't approve them so you wouldn't be aware of how frequent they are. Frustratingly, they're some of the more reliable commenters, too, so I wouldn't say assuming that kind of feedback on this was entirely baseless.

I am objectively a 'failure' with regards to certain typical milestones, and that's not just warped self-perception. Many people would negatively judge me for living with my parents at age 35, for example. Though I don't even want to try to connect with such people. Finding 'my people' is the dream, but where?

MontyCallay101~2Y

It's interesting that you'd be mostly concerned with trauma from Fig Hunter etc., I thought that was mostly regarding your discomfort towards the idea of marketing, running online communities etc., whereas your personal concerns seem to mostly involve finding belonging and support IRL.

My understanding is that a GP might refer you to a psychiatrist who could diagnose you further, but that is, as you said, an availability type of thing.

There's a sense in which you can talk about having or not having reached milestones at a typical age, sure, but my point is that it doesn't in any objective sense colour your value as a human being. This overbearing feeling of wanting to be in line with peceived social normativity at all costs and chastising yourself for any possibility of deviating from it is what, for me, at least, characterises social anxiety.

If you want to find 'your people' IRL, an obvious step is to go where there are a lot of that type of 'your people' around. Something that might be manageable for you is to move back to your university town (which was somewhat closeby, still?) where the average age is lower and you have a higher chance of encountering more intellectually or artistically-minded folks. Geography matters a lot, here. Alternatively, looking for job opportunities and moving based on that. At that point, your workplace, clubs, volunteering, and so on. There's some aspect of it which is trial-and-error, sure, but you can increase your chances greatly.

My understanding is that a GP might refer you to a psychiatrist who could diagnose you further, but that is, as you said, an availability type of thing.

There's a sense in which you can talk about having or not having reached milestones at a typical age, sure, but my point is that it doesn't in any objective sense colour your value as a human being. This overbearing feeling of wanting to be in line with peceived social normativity at all costs and chastising yourself for any possibility of deviating from it is what, for me, at least, characterises social anxiety.

If you want to find 'your people' IRL, an obvious step is to go where there are a lot of that type of 'your people' around. Something that might be manageable for you is to move back to your university town (which was somewhat closeby, still?) where the average age is lower and you have a higher chance of encountering more intellectually or artistically-minded folks. Geography matters a lot, here. Alternatively, looking for job opportunities and moving based on that. At that point, your workplace, clubs, volunteering, and so on. There's some aspect of it which is trial-and-error, sure, but you can increase your chances greatly.

Tobias 1115~2Y

I did research for an essay I wrote about social anxiety at uni, and what I found suggested that it's fear of negative consquences which concerns people with the condition, and that lines up with my experience too. We evolved to be tribalistic, to banish people who were considered to be bad for the tribe, and for most of human history that banishment meant certain death. It makes sense that we'd have some kind of instinctual fear of it, which is heightened in some individuals.

I don't personally have any desire to fit in or be 'normal' at all, I just don't want to be 'banished', which these days would be more like developing a negative reputation which would make people reject you preemptively. How do you think people are likely to talk of Justin Roiland over the next few years?

Partly my reluctance stems from that, but mostly it comes from a fear of attracting malicious eyes to me and having to deal with drama again. I saw this Reddit post about a podcast host being killed by her stalker the other day, and quite a few people in the comments were mentioning their own experiences being stalked by deranged people who'd set their sights on them for one reason or another and just wouldn't give up. While my own experiences haven't been as bad as that, I've certainly had a taste of that kind of thing, and I absolutely don't want to have to deal with it again.

Wanting to find 'my people' is a sort of aside from all that, which I've only started worrying about again recently after getting the 'help' that's revived thoughts I had a decade or so ago. It would be nice to have a support group to help cushion any blows though.

I did research for an essay I wrote about social anxiety at uni, and what I found suggested that it's /fear of negative consquences/ which concerns people with the condition, and that lines up with my experience too. We evolved to be tribalistic, to banish people who were considered to be bad for the tribe, and for most of human history that banishment meant certain death. It makes sense that we'd have some kind of instinctual fear of it, which is heightened in some individuals.

I don't personally have any desire to fit in or be 'normal' at all, I just don't want to be 'banished', which these days would be more like developing a negative reputation which would make people reject you preemptively. How do you think people are likely to talk of Justin Roiland over the next few years?

Partly my reluctance stems from that, but mostly it comes from a fear of attracting malicious eyes to me and having to deal with drama again. I saw this Reddit post about a podcast host being killed by her stalker the other day, and quite a few people in the comments were mentioning their own experiences being stalked by deranged people who'd set their sights on them for one reason or another and just wouldn't give up. While my own experiences haven't been /as/ bad as that, I've certainly had a taste of that kind of thing, and I absolutely don't want to have to deal with it again.

Wanting to find 'my people' is a sort of aside from all that, which I've only started worrying about again recently after getting the 'help' that's revived thoughts I had a decade or so ago. It would be nice to have a support group to help cushion any blows though.

MontyCallay101~1Y

I can tell that it's a rather closely held worry of yours that one can't exactly argue you out of, so suffice it to say that I can't see the whole banishing aspect happening to you? People generally will forgive small mistakes like being inconsiderate on accident as long as the big picture fits. Banishment as a punishment, to my knowledge, generally was only for the very worst of crimes, historically - there's much more social value in being able to cooperate despite minor differences. Justin Roiland was charged with actual legal crimes, so I'm not sure how that fits in for context with what you're worried about? Again, if what you're worried about is just being or having been inconsiderate on accident, those are things that happen to everyone and that therefore people will not judge you for as long as you're not being unpleasant all the time. You can read about egregious cases of people being punished socially for making minor mistakes, sure, but those are notable precisely because they are exceptions.

Honestly, I think you have pretty decent chances of being able to avoid Fighunter levels of drama if you got back into sharing your work more vocally. Part of the problem back then, as I understand it, is that you had pretty defined expectations of what the community should have been like, and that caused a level of friction - whereas today it may be something that you'd be able to distance yourself from emotionally a bit more easily. Even so, it's not even necessarily about running a community, just about trying to get the word out to people online more!

The 'finding your people' aspect is something that may provide additional grounding as well, so I hope you find a way to approach that!

Honestly, I think you have pretty decent chances of being able to avoid Fighunter levels of drama if you got back into sharing your work more vocally. Part of the problem back then, as I understand it, is that you had pretty defined expectations of what the community should have been like, and that caused a level of friction - whereas today it may be something that you'd be able to distance yourself from emotionally a bit more easily. Even so, it's not even necessarily about running a community, just about trying to get the word out to people online more!

The 'finding your people' aspect is something that may provide additional grounding as well, so I hope you find a way to approach that!

PierceWickstorm29~2Y

As usual, your music never fails to impress me.

astralwolf92~2Y

You should watch everything everywhere all at once

Noppe5~1Y

Currently my favourite bit of music on the channel.

Small remark though, the videos are pretty quiet compared to other music videos. When listening to music in the background I basically don't hear anything when one of your videos comes up.