PERSONAL

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3,922

Measures of Success

8 years ago799 words

In a dismal daze of masochistic procrastination, I did some silly online quizzes to see whether they confirmed my thoughts that my life and personality aren't much good. They did!

Depression's been weighing heavily again on me recently. I keep thinking of things to post about, but can't muster up the energy to write anything. Or to reply to comments (though I do read and appreciate them all). Or to do anything much these days. It's the Easter holidays here at university, so I've been trying to take a break... Mixed results there. Some relief from the worst of the negative thoughts, but only through escapism in video games. I feel like I'm regressing, retreating further into my cocoon. Hmm.

Anyway, I think a lot about how my life is objectively not in a good state at the moment. My depression arises from that fact. There are many qualities by which a life might be rated - milestones, experiences, abilities or relationships acquired, etc - and some lives just are better than others. Mine feels worse than most, if the good things are weighed against the bad. Perhaps not quite as bad as some emaciated child groveling in a ditch, eyes eaten by flies, but I have had some quite heavy bad things (brain cancer and social isolation, to name a couple) without any real joys to even them out.

Curious to see whether anyone had made some silly test to weigh and rate lives in such a way, I found ∞ this thing ∞. And here are my results:



I'm surprised the Body thing is so high; it must be because I said I exercise 'occasionally', though that's probably a lie. But 'never' felt equally untrue. And because I don't do a bunch of drugs, I suppose. The rest doesn't seem wrong though. What did you get?

Love is what's missing most from my life, and I really would like to address that. I've been thinking a lot recently about trying online dating, properly this time... though I have my reservations. Mostly I think "who would want me anyway?", well aware that I can neither protect nor provide. I can't help a woman feel safe by wrapping her in my beefy arms, or by (metaphorically) opening doors with my manly confidence, nor can I offer a house or any money. I know that I'm a poor catch, and it feels wrong to inflict myself on someone considering that. To ask for or want what I don't 'deserve', or haven't 'earned'. I know love isn't all about pragmatism... but with online dating, your value is laid out clearly, and I know the cold facts I'd fill out on a form can't compare to competitors'.

I noticed a link to another quiz on the results page of the last that offered to reveal my ∞ dating strengths and weaknesses ∞; perhaps it might reassure me that I do have something to offer after all! I thought.

Here's what I got:



Hmm.

I'm a bit annoyed that I got 'humourlessness' on there, since I'm not, but I see why I did. The rest seem about right though.

I do feel quite trapped at the moment, as I have for years. I feel like what I want most is love... because that love would propel me forward; would give me a reason to live, a passion for creation, a desire to expand and grow and improve and explore the world. Everything means so much more when you can do it for and with someone else, or at least when you have someone with whom to cultivate energy to then spend on peripheral things. But I feel like I need to do those things in order to be 'worthy' of love in the first place. I want to be loved so then I might blossom, but who's drawn to an unopened bud?

So there's this constant pull between the beacon of self-improvement and dark demons that tell me that since I'm unloved, there's no point anyway. It leads to a sort of balance, or rather stagnation. I stay alive, but never live.

Anyway, I'm exploring options, taking what steps I can. I feel like my moves are limited though; there's a lot that simply isn't available to me.

But what did you get on those silly tests??

(And yes, I'm aware that these (often frustratingly American-cultured) online quizzes aren't especially valid measures of anything meaningful, but it's interesting seeing how another person would conceive of constructs like life success or dating desirability in order to make a test about them.)