Alora Fane

I've felt terrible this week, and got nothing done... which makes me feel terrible, which makes me get nothing done!

SIGH. Another week spent far less productively than I'd prefer!

I hate how poor mental states can be so self-sustaining. I feel bad, and get little to nothing done... and feel bad about that, so continue to feel bad, and so on, and so on...

Or I sleep poorly because I feel bad, so I spend all day feeling worse due to sleep deprivation, and the next night I still feel bad and sleep even more poorly and feel worse the next day and-...

Or I feel anxious, and start getting physical symptoms, which makes me worry that they mean the return of my brain tumour and that my life is effectively over - the bomb's ticking again - which puts me into this wearying cycle of worry ("it's probably just anxiety", "but what if it's not??", "but it probably is", "but what if it's not???").

And on a larger scale, isolation is ravaging my mind, but it's done so much damage already that my chances of escaping the isolation only dwindle by the day.

And I'm only getting older and older and still haven't been typically employed so my chances to ever be get less and less and the future seems more and more hopeless and and and-

Sigh... I spent some time putting together some small steps I can take to get out of this rut, this pit, this vortex of vortices, but I feel too mentally messed up at the moment to address them by myself.

I clearly need help, but I still haven't heard anything back from the counselling service I contacted a few weeks ago. I thought the ball had got rolling, but it seems there's a huge crisis regarding getting mental health help in the UK currently. My friend - who's intending to becoming a counsellor herself - said the government's running special programs practically paying people to get into counselling roles because the demand far exceeds the supply.

One of the recent catalysts for me has been reading about AI, and feeling hopeless about how much it can already do and how quickly it's likely to get worryingly better. The surface anxiety about that has largely dissipated, though I suppose I'm still enduring the lingering residue, or something.

I wondered whether ChatGPT might be able to act as a makeshift therapist, though, and at the very least asked it about motivation...

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling unmotivated. Lack of motivation can be a common experience, but there are things you can do to help get yourself back on track. Here are some tips that might help:

1. Identify the source of your lack of motivation: Is it due to feeling overwhelmed? Feeling bored? Feeling stuck? By understanding the root cause of your lack of motivation, you can start to address it.

2. Break tasks into smaller pieces: Sometimes tasks can feel daunting, which can make it hard to feel motivated to start. Try breaking the task into smaller, more manageable pieces to make it feel more achievable.

3. Set realistic goals: Setting goals that are too lofty or unrealistic can lead to disappointment and further lack of motivation. Set goals that are achievable and focus on the progress you make towards them.

4. Reward yourself: Give yourself a small reward for completing tasks or making progress towards your goals. This can help keep you motivated and provide positive reinforcement.

5. Find inspiration: Surround yourself with things that inspire you, whether it's quotes, music, or images. This can help give you a boost of motivation when you need it.

6. Practice self-care: Taking care of yourself can help you feel more energized and motivated. Make sure you're getting enough sleep, eating well, and taking breaks when you need them.

Remember, it's okay to have off days or even off weeks. Be kind to yourself and know that you can always take small steps towards feeling more motivated. If you're feeling stuck or overwhelmed, don't hesitate to reach out to a professional for support.

Much better than the first article I found via Google about this which suggested that to motivate myself to do things I should just "do them as if I am motivated" ("can't walk? Walk it off!").

The first two are things I already attempted this week, before asking this. The third is trickier, because I feel that goals like "finish a game" probably aren't 'realistic', but I feel sort of trapped between high cliffs at the moment. Either I finish a game, or find something else to do, and each are equally difficult. I've been breaking the game dev stuff down into small tasks (for years), and I've worked through a handful of those this week, which isn't nothing.

I don't know about rewards, but I've been spending several days just trying to 'take a break'. I know that sleep loss was surely a huge factor, so I've been trying to go to sleep early and sleep in in the morning for a couple of days. I've been trying to watch films and play games instead of forcing myself to make stuff as much as I can (which is how I usually prefer to spend my time).

(Playing games is its own frustration though. I spent a while on Crash Bandicoot 4, which is challenging even to just complete, then to get 100% was so insurmountable I just gave up around 70% because trying to 'git gud' isn't my idea of a relaxing escape from stress. And I've not started another game since that because I'm waiting for Tears of the Kingdom and I everything else I'm interested in would require more investment than I can currently afford!)

It's tough to take time off with constant physical symptoms of anxiety though. It all becomes some unavoidable battle, when the monsters are within. Or something. Still, it's all I can really do at the moment while I wait for actual mental health help.

There are a couple of others things that I'll hopefully be able to try next week:

One is contacting my GP... though I strongly suspect they'd ask me about my lifestyle, I'd say I'm a recluse who rarely leaves the house and my diet is poor and also I had/ve brain cancer, and they'd say "well there's your problem then". At best they'd, what, give me pills?

The 'Community Navigator' person who was recently assigned to help me (after I last contacted the GP about counselling, then got directed to an Occupational Therapist, who directed me to this person...) mentioned that there's some kind of 'community hub' which runs a weekly 'drop in' at some set time which I can go to to enquire about some other counselling service... or something, but I'm reluctant because I don't know what to expect. Why can't I just contact someone online, or - less ideally but still preferably - call someone? It all seems so convoluted, and who would even learn about - or show up to - something like that?

At least I have options, I suppose... Maybe that's the way I need to look at it.

There's also some app my friend's been recommending to me for years called Habitica (maybe someone on this blog suggested it to me once too?), which essentially gamifies chores. You can for example create a daily task like 'Go for a walk', and you'd get XP for completing it or lose HP if you didn't. I finally decided to get that last night, though whether or not it'll do me any good remains to be seen.

One of my biggest concerns during periods like this is that people will get fed up with me and stop supporting me... though I suppose it's hardly new stuff, and those of you who've been following me for years should be very familiar these ~bouts of suffering~ (to my embarrassment). I wish it were otherwise and I could just get stuff done, but... well, hopefully it won't last much longer, is all I can really say at this point. I'm doing the best I can, and I'm not exactly choosing to wallow in misery for extended periods because I have more interest than anyone in bringing my games and things into being.

At least writing this out helped, as tends to be the case... though hopefully it won't get troll comments that just bring me back down again. Sigh!

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