PERSONAL

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Counselling: Take... 3? 4? 5?

1 year ago2,534 words

I had my 'first' (of this latest run, at least) counselling session, at long last!! (I can't remember how many times I've been through this process in the past!)

Turns out my appointment was today (Friday) rather than Thursday, as I previously wrongly thought; good thing I double-checked the email!

The counselling itself was never going to be the biggest ordeal for me though. If anything, sitting one-on-one with someone and talking about my deepest issues is the sort of situation I'm most comfortable with. It's doing the ordinary, mundane things everyone does without thinking about that has caused me a lot of anxiety this week, because I'm very aware of how out of practice I am.

I was hoping to meet up with my friend on Tuesday as a kind of practice run, but she cancelled. Because I am worthless and she hates me, of course. Either that, or because she had a bad cold. Considering I'd had a cold myself the day before, and how she sounded when she called me later (plus the fact she did call me), I'm inclined to believe she was telling the truth. Though of course the fears of being bad company, a drain, a toxic monster, abandoned while she probably made time for her other, better friends, all do seep in a bit due to traumatic past experiences. Mostly I felt relief, though, as it meant I could put the anxiety off again for a while, which I think is sad. We half-decided to reschedule for next week.

That meant though that I'd not had any practice run for the immense challenge!! of going on the bus to a strange place today. I spent much of the morning anxious because of it, mostly because I tried to buy a bus ticket on the app you have to use, but none of the three payment methods I tried went through, just giving me a generic 'transaction failed' error. I assume it was due to the probably crappily-made app - these apps for local travel services seem generally reviled due to regular issues - though hardly the best way to start an already anxiety-inducing trip.

I had to change my plans and do a contactless card payment - something that I think I've only ever done before the last time I met up with that friend in... February, apparently?? - instead. So I got on the bus and tried that... and it failed! My card was declined. Thankfully I'd also brought cash just in case, but still. Shook me up.

Then when I arrived at the unfamiliar place where the counselling was being held, it was in some smallish office building, very unlike the Victorian-era townhouse place this organisation used to hold counselling in. That old building was on a street, so it had an obvious front door like all the buildings either side of it, whereas this was one of three or four similar buildings in a largeish open area, with a lot of space between them and no obvious central plaza or whatever, and the only entrance I found didn't seem like one to me because it was a small glass door around the side that led to some stairs leading up to a tiny antechamber with several nondescript doors, most of which seemed to be storage cupboards or similar. There was one bigger glass door, but it led to what to me looked like behind the receptionist's side of an empty reception desk facing an open-plan office with workers behind computers, so I got the impression it was an employee entrance or something?

I actually turned around to head back and look for another entrance, but when I couldn't find one, I went back, went through the door, and the four or five people (all young women) working at the computers all stopped what they were doing and looked at me in a way my mind interpreted as alarmed.

Turns out what I was supposed to do was press some intercom button on the door which had a tiny, tiny sign next to it, though I didn't see either of them and wasn't informed beforehand!

This is the sort of thing that I get so anxious about. It feels like everyone else just knows how things work, not because they're gifted with some magical powers I lack, but because they've lived in the world whereas I've hidden away from it. They're experienced because they've had to be, I'm not because I've been 'lucky' enough to have the opportunity to hide away. I don't know how the little mundanities of the work world work, and I know I don't, and I know in order to know I have to make mistakes, which are embarrassing, so I usually avoid everything entirely.

I have no issues talking openly about my missteps when given the chance; I never try to look more impressive than I am, nor would I care to. I asked the bus driver about the card issue both after it was rejected and as I got off the bus 40 minutes later, and we had brief chats each time. When I finally met the counsellor, I talked about this horrendously embarrassing misunderstanding about how to even get into a damn building. And just talking about it - getting it out - does seem to help. Or at least it helps relieve the cringing embarrassment. A bit.



The counsellors I've been assigned to in the past have all been older than me, some by several decades. This one wasn't! She was probably several years younger than me, actually. She'd gone to the same university as me and done the same Psychology course and everything, though she'd also done a Master's afterwards whereas I was robbed of the opportunity by the minor inconvenience of having to get my brain carved into instead. I didn't ask her age, but I wonder if there was any overlap between her time there and mine; she didn't look significantly different in age to the friends I made there.

She also reminded me very strongly of the one uni friend I had the most... tempestuous time with. The one who no longer talks to me. That is, they were both a certain 'type of person' that I like and feel I get along well with. Similarish look, mannerisms, etc. Slightly awkward, soft-spoken, plain-looking in a way I find far more interesting than the haughty hottie look that seems to be regarded as the current ideal of attractiveness.

That gave me a faint feeling of something like desire, or hope, or imagining what if her and I became friends and more and got married and a little dog of our own and-... but mostly I suppose it was like a feeling of sorrow, that it was such a shame that I 'could have' had such a person in my life, had the circumstances been different, but it 'never happened' and that's tragic. Like the idea that it could happen in the future (I don't mean with her, but with anyone) didn't even register, because the beliefs that I've devolved into an unlovable wretch and missed my chance are so strong.

So it'll be interesting to see how those thoughts change as I continue to see her. At the very least, already I've got the impression she's more on the same page as me than the other counsellors and therapists I've had in the past, just because she'd have grown up in a similar age of technology instead of hearing 'video games' and thinking of Pong. She even knew what Reddit was, wow!!



There seemed to be maybe a handful of people in the open-plan office I saw, and they were all young women. This surprised me - considering all my past experiences with mental and physical healthcare where everyone seemed much older - and sort of challenged some beliefs I had about the world, in a good way. The majority of people I saw on my bus journeys were younger, too, which did the same. Maybe where I live isn't as full of retirees as my local neighbourhood (which is) has had me believe?

I even got wondering whether I could work in a place like that, or even that exact place if I made some connections or something... but then another maladaptive monster of a belief reared its ugly head. While waiting in the counselling room for the actual appointed time (I'd arrived like 20 minutes early because I'd rather that than be late the first time), I heard the muffled chatter of the women talking among one another... then a young male voice I'd describe as confident, even flirty, followed by giggling from several of the women.

The thought of working in an office with psychologically-minded women seems like something I could tolerate, even like... but adding some office Chad swaggering around would constantly activate negative beliefs related to comparison, worthiness, or rather unworthiness. Not being good enough, not fitting in.

It's not unlike how in the brain hospital I'd talk amicably with the nurses who had to see me, making silly jokey comments, being casual and I hoped entertaining, and I thought I was doing okay... until I overheard one of them with an obviously more 'normal' male patient and how odd my whole approach was by comparison.

It got me thinking about office politics, and how I've had no experience of those at all. I see posts in the mental health subreddits I follow by people with issues similar to my own who loathe their jobs because the workplace social dynamics constantly remind them of their low ranking in the desirability hierarchy, and I suppose I feel grateful to be spared of that exact kind of self-loathing... though it's only due to lack of experience. I'm not a part of any hierarchy here at home, alone. Put into that environment, I'd probably be the same.



As for the actual content of the counselling session I was supposedly there for, this first week was mostly about filling in forms and getting an idea of why I'm interested in being there. Though the sessions are only 50 minutes long - about as long as the trip to get there - which feels like far too little to really achieve anything meaningful. Especially since they only offer the sessions in sets of seven (though I got the impression it might be possible to extend the duration, which is what I assume happened in the past when I ended up seeing someone every week for months).

I'm not going so then I can learn any techniques though. I'm going because I've spent the past few years isolated, and I don't know of a better way to ease my way out of that.

While I'd been consumed by anxiety all morning and all during the bus journey getting there, that anxiety completely disappeared as soon as I started talking to the counsellor because the worst was behind me. The bus trip back had a couple of issues - the driver stopped the bus to get out and smoke for like five minutes (why is that allowed??), and then later the bus seemingly broke down and took another five minutes to restart, neither of which I've ever seen in all the years I've used buses before - but I mostly just felt some kind of pleasant relief or something throughout. No anxiety at all. So much of the anxiety comes from doing things I'm not used to because I assume I'll make some embarrassing mistake.

Just being out in the world for the first time in ages felt like this enormous weight had been lifted. Like things - and I - weren't nearly as bad as I'd come to believe. Or like getting a breath of fresh air after living in a smoggy slum for ages. This always happens - I vaguely remember writing about it in a blog post before - but then I just end up falling back into that smog again...



I wanted to use the relief from the mental demons to tackle another thing I've been putting off for months: just going in a supermarket again. Something I used to do without issue, but grew to avoid to the point where I just couldn't do it at all anymore. And I never needed to, so the aversion just grew. I also wanted to use it as an opportunity to check if my debit card was working as it should, since it hadn't worked on the bus.

So I did that... but the person behind the till was a young guy, which seems to be the type of person I'm most anxious about dealing with. Older people of both sexes bother me less, but teenagers/early-twenties people seem the most judgemental and least understanding as a group (I don't like that Reddit is overrun with this demographic!), and past bad experiences make me especially wary of guys because I've had fewer direct bad experiences with girls.

I just bought a chocolate bar, and said to the guy that my card failed on the bus so I wanted to know whether it'd work now. I didn't need to tell him that! Why did I?? This oversharing seems to be one of my biggest issues. Like other people seem to act using these kind of mechanical, established behaviours which get things done while maintaining psychological distance from others, whereas I seem to be motivated by this urge to... something like establish a genuine connection by 'letting them in on' the more personal - even embarrassing - aspects of my experience...? I don't even know. It's odd. I'm odd.

I suppose ultimately it's just a lack of experience. I feel like I'm exploring an alien planet or something. Or maybe foreign country might be more accurate. I just don't get out into the world enough.

So hopefully this is the start of breaking through that and getting out of my shell again. That's what happened last time I went through the whole counselling process. I imagine the trips there and back next time - and any subsequent trips to the shop - will be way less anxiety-inducing and cringeworthy.

But we'll see.

(Oh, also, my card worked when I tried it in the shop. It had also worked when I tried something online with it before getting on the bus, so I've no idea what went wrong when it failed there. Hopefully it won't happen again!)



I've got essentially nothing done dev-wise this week! I meant to at least write a post about the FFVII Remake, and at least started, but got thrown off by my friend cancelling and then the thought of the impending trip without the practice run. I've barely been able to focus on anything all week.

I was going finish and post what I'd written about Memody: Sindrel Song, but I had some thoughts about that that I wanted to append to it, and I knew I'd be writing this so I thought it best to leave actually posting that until Monday or something. Unless anything major comes up before then, I'll hopefully do that!