PERSONAL

1

714

Another Damn Depression Week

1 year ago2,016 words

YET AGAIN I'm caught up in lousy internal weather and haven't achieved as much as I'd like because of it. So frustrating. I suppose I composed a 16-minute-long piece of music, at least?? Don't know what I'm doing game-dev-wise these days, though...

It's September now; we're already up to month 9 of 2023. How did that happen?

You might be shocked - SHOCKED! - to hear that I'm feeling quite depressed. Nothing new, obviously, but... SIGH.

I've got little to show for last month. While I finally got to see a counsellor again - which is a big thing - and I did some 'side stuff' like music composition (I recently posted ∞ a 16-minute-long Ramble 34 on my Patreon ∞), it feels like game dev progress has been at an all-time low.

I want to try to use this post untangle some reasons for why that might be.



The biggest one is probably just the counselling, not because being vulnerable or open is anything big for me - as evidenced by how I overshare all the time on this blog - but because I've become more and more of a shut-in as the years go by, so just going out at all was a big deal.

And rather than being some magic cure, I've become more aware of how long the process towards recovery must necessarily be, and how ridiculously brief and spaced-apart the sessions are. So that's deflating. Especially when some get cancelled, as was the case with this week's. I might not be able to go next week, also.

There are issues like being isolated, lacking a reliable income, living with my parents, feeling like I've missed my chance for a romantic connection, a career, etc, which weigh on me constantly, but I've already talked about those in this blog many times before.

I suppose more time-relevant is that I was meant to meet up with my uni friend, though that never ended up happening for various reasons, and of course my demons tell me my repulsiveness is the main one. Not something I've lost sleep clenching my heart sobbing about or anything - if anything the prevailing emotion was relief - but still a minor dip where there could have potentially been a little lift-up.

(I suppose the fact I don't have other, more compatible/interested friends - or any good way to make new ones - bothers me more.)

So I'll just focus the rest of this post on stuff specifically related to games dev, as I feel quite directionless.



I spent, what, two years - three?? - working on Atonal Dreams, determined to see it through to the end. But it's tough to do anything for that duration while socially isolated with a bunch of mental health issues and no guaranteed pay at the end. Would you? Of course I got burned out.

Presenting some ideas for that on my Patreon last December that were harshly shot down was no doubt a factor too, but my reaction to that was likely only as severe as it was because I'd got so burned out in general.

I turned my attention to that other project, which at first I had no name for (Belief Battles, Frayth, whatever), but which I most recently decided to call Dreamons. I like a lot about that! I hoped it could be something I could finish quickly so then I could put something out before getting back to Atonal Dreams.

But I'm also quite indecisive about it. I keep thinking about how much I'd enjoy something more Pokemon-like, with designed monsters to train, and how that's different to the person-centric thing I already have. Maybe I should just take some steps backwards again, and divide it into two projects? One where you recruit people, another where you train monsters and explore dreamscapes. I don't know. Indecisive.

I also knew that whenever I was focusing it, I wasn't spending that time on other stuff that I should be doing, like Atonal Dreams.

Or porting my old Flash games to Steam, which is something I've been meaning to do for ages. And have talked about several times. I even bought a subscription for Adobe Animate - the modern version of Flash - for 30 pounds a month, hoping that might motivate me to get it out of the way quickly. I've paid several months of that now without ever opening the program. Ugh.

But I did make some progress, a while ago! CBC is almost ready to go, and I think I set up some loader for AFC too?

There's something I need to figure out before putting other games on Steam, though; the sort of thing that involves filling in forms and - most off-puttingly for me - making decisions that I won't be able to reverse afterwards. Something I seem to really struggle with these days. I was hoping to talk through it with the counsellor when I finally got to see one, but with the sessions being so short and spread-out, that's yet to happen.

I also recently replayed Memody: Sindrel Song, hoping to rekindle some inspiration, which is kind of what happened. I hoped it'd motivate me to post about it on Reddit, but... that hasn't happened (yet?).

I have however been thinking a fair bit about the idea of doing something as character-driven and narratively moving as that game, just without the gameplay barrier in the way so it's accessible to more people. People on Discord mentioned visual novels, though I've never played one so I don't even know what they involve and it feels silly to try to make one considering that.

I got thinking though about an old idea I've written about a number of times in the past: something like brief, minimally-animated 3D scenes with written dialogue, which I'd release regularly instead of just one game when it was fully complete. An ongoing thing, more like a webcomic, or maybe on YouTube...

But then I assume minimal interest, plus I lack inspiration for any stories or characters. Maybe that's something I can try to give some thought to? Or I could make a demo of sorts, to make it clear what I mean?

I'm also put off by how difficult it is to make money from indie games. And how I'd have to get noticed by a lot of people - a portion of which would inevitably be hostile or even deranged - in order to get anywhere. I really don't want to have to deal with that again.

But when what are my options? I really don't know. I was hoping to untangle things with the counsellor.



My parents will be going away on yet another of their holidays next week. The number of times they've gone abroad on holiday in the past 12 months is probably greater than the number of times I've left the house. Their house, which I live mostly in a single bedroom of. I'm a 35-year-old man. This isn't exactly the life I would have chosen for myself. So many other people have families at this age. Lives.

(Though I saw ∞ this interesting Reddit thread ∞ yesterday which sheds some light on how widespread delaying of reaching adult milestones is these days. I'm probably still much worse off than most though as there are a lot of fairly basic things I don't have or can't do.)

What that means though is that I'll be on edge the whole time as I'll be in charge of the adjacent community hall. I barely have to do anything, but the thought of something happening puts me in a constant state of anxiety (especially as 'stuff' has happened when I was left in charge before).

I also might have to cancel seeing the counsellor because the trip there on top of the stress of looking after the house, hall, and dog - and leaving them all unguarded for several hours - would be too much. Ugh. My malformed mind making mountains of molehills.

So I'd love to try to get back on track, but next week seems an unlikely time for that to happen. Maybe I'll need to just spend the week planning where to go next, or something.



I usually feel embarrassed when I write posts like this. On the one hand, I want to explain what's going on and why I have nothing interesting to show when that happens - and actually writing things out helps me feel a bit better - but I also don't exactly want to draw attention to them (the posts, I mean, by linking to them on Twitter or Discord or whatever) and cringe when I click the post button. Were I more ~professional~, I'd not be writing posts like this at all.

(I know writing them out but keeping them to myself is an option, but I don't do that because... I'm insane, I suppose?)

Bleh. I wouldn't wish depression on anyone. So frustrating, having tons you want to do, but feeling physically unable to do it. At least I can get out of bed (usually), which is better than some people with the condition can manage. So there's that.

Hopefully I'll be able to spend next week figuring out where to go next. I might experiment with some creative ideas.



Thinking a bit while reviewing this before posting, the most frustrating bit is feeling like... maybe I'm in some dingy boiler room, with a bunch of pipes, all of which are spewing steam. Each needs me to turn a stiff... wheel thing (what are they actually called? My mind fails me, gives static [while reviewing this bit added while reviewing: valve??]), but while I'm toiling away at one, all the others are steaming away in the background and filling the room - and my mind - with burning, obscuring clouds. Instead of sensibly sticking with one until it's closed before moving onto the next, I switch between different ones and get exhausted, eventually collapsing and making no progress on any.

Not a perfect analogy, but... something like that.

Something more sensible would be to plan out a list of a clear order in which to approach the various things I need to do. Something liiiiike:

- First, sort out the form-filling-in barrier thing I've been obscure about
- Then, put my old games on Steam, to get that out of the way for good
-- (CBC first)
- THEN, uh...

Then I hit a mental wall, I suppose. Do I work away on 'Dreamons', with some ideas I'm not wholly sold on, despite the desire to split it into two different things? Do I plan HOW I might split it into two things?? Where in this list do I post about Memody: Sindrel Song on Reddit?? Wasn't I going to write a post about the FFVII Remake?!? (That's so important that I should drop everything immediately and just do that!) Do I give it all up and go and sell dildos door-to-door?!?

Uggghhh. Or maybe I just need to take some time to refresh my mind? Take a holiday, while my parents are?

I think that's what I might do, even if I don't feel I deserve it. While the pay is poor, at least being my own boss means I can do that when I need to.

I'll likely end up writing another post in a few days when I'm feeling less dismal, but we'll see.

[Actually, a thought bubbled up through the obscuring fog: I worked on Ramble 34 this week because that's been on some To Do List of mine for something like a year, and getting it off that list - and actually finished - felt like a step towards something. I'd forgotten about the reasoning - and success - in my depression-addled fog when starting this post. Maybe I am getting somewhere after all, then? Now I just need to do the other things on that list...]