PERSONAL

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A Plan For The Future?

1 year ago841 words

I finally feel like I have some vague idea of what kind of life might allow me to continue making stuff while paying the bills and not going (even more) insane??

Did you know that ∞ overexplaining is not uncommonly used by people with anxiety as a coping strategy ∞? It's definitely something I've always done, and do in these posts!

I actually wrote this one a couple of days ago, but it ended up as a long-winded rant about mental health issues which could definitely be trimmed down. This second draft is an attempt at that.

(Though including that bit is an example of over-explaining. As is this bracketed bit.)



I did a decent amount of work on Dreamons this week, though I'm working towards building the first playable area, and it might be better to just post about it when I've (hopefully) got more to share next week.

One notable thing is that I composed a piece of music for it earlier this week - a musical theme for the first of the dreamon characters, Spryad - and posted it on ∞ my Patreon ∞, hoping to spread some of the joy listening back to it inspired in me... though unfortunately that wasn't exactly what happened, which was upsetting. I still like the piece a lot, though, and have since incorporated it into the game, where I feel it fits.



Mostly I just wanted to use this post to touch on some life/mental health stuff.

I'm 35 and live with my mum and step-dad, to my shame. I'd prefer to be more independent, but financial, social, and neurological issues have prevented that from happening.

Usually my parents are out so I have the house to myself to work in peace, though it seems my step-dad may have retired now. He spent the last week or so hanging around all day every day listening to very loud music and inviting his friends over. Which I found very annoying, and couldn't endure in the long term. This strengthens my desire for my own place.

I had my penultimate counselling session on Friday, and we talked a bit about the barriers in the way of me moving out, and how I might overcome them. I also had a 3-hour-long call with a friend where we touched on the same.

Long story short, I don't think that I could cope with a standard 9-to-5 job. But becoming a completely isolated hermit would ruin my mind even further, so I need some reason to get out of the house, especially if I live alone. Going out for the counselling reminded me of how crucial it is to stop myself from slipping completely away from the world.

I've considered volunteering and part-time jobs before, though I always dismissed them as impossible or undesirable. Now, it feels like maybe that's something that I could - or maybe more like have to - try to do.

Something like going out to some job in the real world for a day or two each week, and spending the rest of the time at home doing creative stuff. Maybe that'd be the kind of life that'd work best for me.

I'm already earning some money from the stuff I make, so maybe with the income from a part-time job too, I'd be able to at least reach the enviable fortune that is minimum wage. Enough to pay for my own little studio flat in some quiet little seaside town.

Since I've never had a traditional job before, doing volunteering first seems like a wise transitional step. I don't know what options there are for that, though. Hopefully I'll be able to find something I can bear which won't feel like a complete waste of my potential.

It's sad that I can do so many creative and technical things, but so many basic, common things are locked off from me due to the lingering consequences of childhood trauma beyond my control. But oh well. All I can do is try my best to play with the odd hand I've been dealt.

A least I feel I have something resembling a life direction now. Maybe.



I finished playing through the original PS1 Tomb Raider trilogy! I found the games to be very difficult and I'm glad to put them behind me! And I can't be bothered writing about them in any more detail than that!

I'm still working through Pokemon Crystal Legacy, though I can't say I'm enthusiastic about it. How did we put up with random battles back then?? I do find it remarkable how it feels like I'm inhabiting and exploring a world, though, despite the primitive visuals and mechanics. Capturing that in my recent work feels more elusive, somehow, though maybe playing stuff like that will help remind me of how it can be done. Also, areas that felt so expansive to me as a child feel so small to me now. I find that remarkable.