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Tin Whistle Take Two; Counselling Conclusion

1 year ago1,120 words

JUST WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!! Also, the mental health help I got didn't much help my mental health.

(I'd prefer to get back to writing these on Sunday... Grumble.)

Embarrassingly - though probably not surprisingly - I haven't made enough progress on the project I talked about in the past couple of posts to actually show anything yet.

I've done some work on it! And it seems feasible that I could have got to that point in a week had I put my mind to it.

It's just that I've been struggling to focus for a while now, and this last week wasn't any exception. I've been doing an hour or two of work on it a day, which isn't enough or as much as I'd like.

I'm sure as well that mentally recategorising it from something I want to do to something I have to do changes any associated feelings I have about working on it from giddy joy to tiresome obligation.

I've made the main character's 3D model, for example, but I keep thinking "will people think the proportions looks creepy? Have issues with the characterisation?"

Hearing that others are unhappy with my work makes me unhappy. And I'm so 'unhappy' these days that I feel it doesn't take much to push me over the edge into breakdown town... as I kind of saw recently.

Still, it's not as if I can just hide away forever making my own stuff solely for myself, as much as I might like to. I'm still plodding away at stuff, it's just slower than I'd prefer.



One of the issues is the struggle to focus, and the fickleness of creative inspiration.

Earlier this week, I composed seven pieces of music for the Tin Whistle! Which might sound impressive, and I'm proud of it - it's time better-spent than just scrolling through Reddit or whatever - but I'm also aware of how badly it misses the target I'm supposed to be aiming for.

I also got quickly 'bored' of it. Or more like the weight of the knowledge that I should be doing other things crushed the fun out of it. A day an a half or so of mad, out-of-nowhere inspiration to compose some music for this new instrument - after it'd been lying on my desk, untouched and gathering dust, for the past three months or so - and then that faded too and the idea of practising the pieces I'd composed for that exact purpose felt like an arduous chore.

While I doubt anyone actually really cares about this, I feel bad about not having anything to show for ages so I've at least uploaded a compilation of six of the pieces to that YouTube channel I've also neglected for months:




I've got 12, but thought it best to split them into two groups because I like the thought of practising them all back to back, but all 12 at once felt a bit much. I'll upload the set of the other six in a day or two where it'll maybe get a whopping 10 views or something. Time well spent!

I've also been considering posting that to the Tin Whistle subreddit, but... Well, the same issues that always prevent me from posting to Reddit when I mean to. Fear of being criticised or ignored, or of attracting attention to myself at all when I'm so terrible at keeping up with any kind of correspondence, the assumption that I'll be doing something wrong or inappropriate, that I won't fit in and my approach is different from the one all the others share, etc...

I at least enjoyed the experience of composing with such strict limitations. So few notes, just one voice, and I'm pleased that despite that, I was able to come up with tunes that hopefully sound like catchy, complete pieces of music. They've been stuck in my head!



Funnily enough, I first wrote about the Tin Whistle ∞ in a post from about 3 months ago where I also talked about finally starting counselling again ∞. I've now finished that course of counselling. I like the symmetry there.

Was it any use to me? I don't know, or at least it didn't really make much of a dent in the biggest barriers I face, and I suppose a big part of the reason I've been so down is because of that.

People speak of 'getting therapy' as if it's some magical solution akin to medical treatment for a physical disease. Like talking to some stranger is going to fix me to the degree that the brain surgery did.

And maybe if your life is mostly in place but you're feeling off despite your blessings, it can be very useful.

For me, though, it feels like taking painkillers for a missing arm, or something.

During the last session, we talked about options going forward. She put me in contact with organisations that help people find volunteering or employment opportunities. Which I'll try, but... I can't help but imagine I'll be patronised to, that I'll be taking a track alongside people who can't even tie their own shoelaces and I'm 'better than that' in some sense... But I'm likely deluding myself there. If I was, I'd probably be in a better place in life than I am.

I'd also like to finally get a formal diagnosis of exactly what's wrong with me. 'Just' social anxiety, or AvPD, depression, cyclothymia, C-PTSD, etc? I don't like that I can spend years researching it all myself, but any conclusions I come to are irrelevant and it's only the opinion of some stranger who likely partied through uni, eked out a ∞ Second degree ∞, and who'd use maybe an hour's worth or discussion to match key points to DSM symptom lists anyway... that matters. Yes. Long sentence. Also I'm bitter.

I also don't like the idea of medication and never have, but both of the two people I know from uni have recently been telling me about how the pharmacological route has helped them deal with their issues, so I've been thinking about that again. If I could just disable the physiological anxiety response that gets in the way of stupid little things like posting on Reddit, maybe I'd be able to make some significant strides forwards.

So I have plans, I suppose. Things to work towards. Though I can't help feeling bleak, like chipping away at some enormous iceberg with a spoon, and it never seems to get any smaller. I don't know.