PERSONAL

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Looking Back at 2023

12 months ago1,790 words

2023's dead! Did I use it well? Ehh. I made a bunch of stuff, but I didn't complete any big projects like I would have wanted to. Mostly I felt lost, and frustrated by how my efforts seeking help to slow my descent into complete madness failed to really bear fruit at all.

HAPPY NUDE DEER or whatever! The universe is now exactly 2024 years old. That's even older than me. How did that happen? Time flies, like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I'm posting this later than I would have liked because I was busy going out with my horde of best friends. Dude, I got so drunk, the cosmic entity's pee turned clear! Because it imbibed me and urine's colour is an indicator of hydratedness. Yes. It is a play on words, you see. What I did there. I don't actually drink. I am but text on a screen. You see.

Also that's all nonsense and I spent both Christmas and New Year alone, making stuff at my computer, like usual. Didn't talk to anyone or anything. And while that usually bothers me - at least on some conceptual level, though I imagine if I WERE around people I'd find it grating - this year I didn't mind so much, for whatever reason. Don't know if that's a good sign or a bad one.



Overall, 2023 was a weird year for me. Feels like it lasted forever and I achieved a lot, but looking back through my old blog posts, I just see a lot of unfocused fretting and worsening mental health issues, about which I'm embarrassed. I wish I could have finished something worthwhile, but failed to do so.

The closest I've come to even focusing on anything has been with this 'side project' I've only recently decided is called Dreamons, but even though I've poured a lot of time into it this year, it's always felt off to the side, like a distraction while I take a break from my 'main project', Atonal Dreams. I suppose MARDEK felt like that at first, though - I've mentioned a few times that its save folder was called 'QuickQuests', since I meant it as something less weighty than the other projects I was tackling, like Deliverance - so... I don't know.

I spent much of the year trying to get help for my obviously deteriorating mind, but it turns out that's easier said than done. I was passed between several people, and I can't say any of them were anything like a cure to my many issues because the sessions were so brief and spread-out and I'm caught in such a tangle that that's just not enough. I'll be starting training to become a counsellor myself next month, which feels like symmetry with how things were about a decade ago. Back then, I did a Psychology evening class - similar to what this thing will be - and that directly led to me going to uni. The only reason I didn't stay on that path was due to the brain cancer. Will this class be a stepping stone back in that direction? We'll see.

I'd like to spend my life just making things, but there's so little money in it, at least how I approach it. And of course the isolation is ravaging my already broken brain. More and more I'm thinking doing some part-time work where I alternate between getting out of the house and doing solitary creative stuff might be my best bet. Maybe that's what I'll try to work towards next year (in addition to the games projects I'm always working on).

Rather than going through the months one-by-one and listing a few of the things I'd made during each one as I apparently did last year, I'll just mention a few highlights:

Music Composition

This is the creative skill I'm most proud of, but I also tend to assume that's largely a private thing and that others don't care all that much about it.

I've composed something like 46 pieces of music this year (though some count less in my mind than others, eg a victory fanfare jingle). Could be worse. Four of them rank among my favourite compositions ever, including this one:



I also started a YouTube channel specifically for my music, after intending to for ages, which is what that video there is hosted on. Though I've not uploaded to it much as I would have liked. Mostly it's because I either forget it exists, or I assume minimal interest, which leavese me with insufficient motivation to put the time and effort into preparing the videos. I still have many more compositions to share, though, so maybe I should start trying to remember to put them on there more often. Might even motivate me to compose more regularly.

I also got a tin whistle this year, and 15 of the pieces I composed were for that. I've barely played it, though; I just had a couple of days-long bursts of interest, and it's just been gathering dust between them. Which is a shame.

Games Dev

As I said, most of my time has been spent on this Dreamons 'side project' which isn't really a side project at all at this point. In early February, I was apparently seeing it as a sort of remake of Alora Fane: Creation, which could be used to make your own adventures, and most of the general look and essential features were in place:



Though I'd also been wondering around that time - or a bit after - whether to focus on Pokemon-like monster catching, either of individually designed 'dreamons' (eg Rabbish, Fungoblin), or silly human archetypes (Hippie, Babe, etc).

In April, I'd changed the title to Belief Battles, and had the basic mechanics apparently working:



I changed my mind about the game's story again and revised the focus to be about spreading a religion, and made use of my old silly made-up religion, Yalortism, for some motifs:



I also changed the game to Frayth not long after, as in fray + faith.

In late September (surprisingly recently; feels like forever ago), I revised the narrative aspects yet again to focus on a council of elemental 'dreamon' characters:




I've been refining that concept further, and I feel like it's what I'll be sticking with (or I certainly hope it will be). I've been wanting to write out a sort of summary of the game's mechanics and setting in their current state, so I might do that soon.



I'm quite pleased with it, though I'm aware my preferences aren't exactly aligned with what's popular. I want to get a playable demo ready sooner rather than later.

There's some other project I spent the better part of a month on, which I've yet to talk about. Hopefully I'll get back to and write about that soon, too.

I also tried to port some of my old Flash games around the start of the year... but got, what, thrown off? Forgot about them? Discouraged by doubts about whether the effort would be worth it? Honestly, I can't even remember. I'd like to get back to those, but... no point promising anything at this point.

Social etc

I'm 35 - or 36 in a couple of months - and I still live with my parents, haven't had a partner in over a decade, I've never been employed, and, well, I have a couple of friends, I suppose, though we rarely talk and I haven't met up with one in months and the other in years. Neither messaged me on Christmas, though one did at least wish me a Happy New Year.

As I said, I've spent most of this year trying to find help for my many mental issues, without much luck. I've talked to a lot of women from various organisations who are ostensibly able to help me - many meetings and phone calls - but none of them have really amounted to anything other than frustration and reduced motivation to work on creative stuff. Or I suppose they exacerbated my hopelessness about the future a bit, so that's something.

I record my moods many times a day using a self-made app thing, and said app can generate these pie charts summarising each month:



Like last year, they show my positive moods becoming less frequent while my negative ones become more frequent. Shocking. Interestingly, my lowest moods - shown by the deep red cuts - have consistently come in the form of a singular terrible event sometime in either November or December.

I'll be starting the Counselling evening class on the 17th, which is concerningly close considering I've probably not left the house in the past month. I'm mostly worried about the first session, partly due to the anxiety of actually finding the right location, and partly worry about the uncontrollable randomness of who else is in the class. If there's someone there I really click with AND I get the chance to interact with them, I could develop a new, local connection which could dramatically improve my life, but if I don't click with anyone there, I'll likely feel even more hopeless and I don't know whether I'll even be able to see the course through to the end.

I hate how much of life success is due to cosmic dice rolls rather than deliberate action or choice. It's not as if Success is certainly hidden in the depths of the Fear Temple, and I just need to brave and conquer that place to acquire it; there might be no temple at all, or it might put in all the effort to reach the end only to find dust and bones.

A quick look at my finances shows that my income is surprisingly consistent each month - mostly thanks to Patreon, I assume, so thanks to those of you who support me on there! - and hasn't declined over time like the views on these blog posts have, but my overall earnings for the year are about half of the yearly minimum wage for the UK. Hmm.



I wondered whether to write some New Year's Resolutions/Goals in this post instead of a separate one, but I'm tired today and it's late and I want to post this one before the 1st is over, so I'll write those in a few days, probably. I already know I've failed to achieve most of the ones I set for 2023!