Alora Fane

2023's dead! Did I use it well? Ehh. I made a bunch of stuff, but I didn't complete any big projects like I would have wanted to. Mostly I felt lost, and frustrated by how my efforts seeking help to slow my descent into complete madness failed to really bear fruit at all.

HAPPY NUDE DEER or whatever! The universe is now exactly 2024 years old. That's even older than me. How did that happen? Time flies, like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I'm posting this later than I would have liked because I was busy going out with my horde of best friends. Dude, I got so drunk, the cosmic entity's pee turned clear! Because it imbibed me and urine's colour is an indicator of hydratedness. Yes. It is a play on words, you see. What I did there. I don't actually drink. I am but text on a screen. You see.

Also that's all nonsense and I spent both Christmas and New Year alone, making stuff at my computer, like usual. Didn't talk to anyone or anything. And while that usually bothers me - at least on some conceptual level, though I imagine if I WERE around people I'd find it grating - this year I didn't mind so much, for whatever reason. Don't know if that's a good sign or a bad one.

Overall, 2023 was a weird year for me. Feels like it lasted forever and I achieved a lot, but looking back through my old blog posts, I just see a lot of unfocused fretting and worsening mental health issues, about which I'm embarrassed. I wish I could have finished something worthwhile, but failed to do so.

The closest I've come to even focusing on anything has been with this 'side project' I've only recently decided is called Dreamons, but even though I've poured a lot of time into it this year, it's always felt off to the side, like a distraction while I take a break from my 'main project', Atonal Dreams. I suppose MARDEK felt like that at first, though - I've mentioned a few times that its save folder was called 'QuickQuests', since I meant it as something less weighty than the other projects I was tackling, like Deliverance - so... I don't know.

I spent much of the year trying to get help for my obviously deteriorating mind, but it turns out that's easier said than done. I was passed between several people, and I can't say any of them were anything like a cure to my many issues because the sessions were so brief and spread-out and I'm caught in such a tangle that that's just not enough. I'll be starting training to become a counsellor myself next month, which feels like symmetry with how things were about a decade ago. Back then, I did a Psychology evening class - similar to what this thing will be - and that directly led to me going to uni. The only reason I didn't stay on that path was due to the brain cancer. Will this class be a stepping stone back in that direction? We'll see.

I'd like to spend my life just making things, but there's so little money in it, at least how I approach it. And of course the isolation is ravaging my already broken brain. More and more I'm thinking doing some part-time work where I alternate between getting out of the house and doing solitary creative stuff might be my best bet. Maybe that's what I'll try to work towards next year (in addition to the games projects I'm always working on).

Rather than going through the months one-by-one and listing a few of the things I'd made during each one as I apparently did last year, I'll just mention a few highlights:

Music Composition

This is the creative skill I'm most proud of, but I also tend to assume that's largely a private thing and that others don't care all that much about it.

I've composed something like 46 pieces of music this year (though some count less in my mind than others, eg a victory fanfare jingle). Could be worse. Four of them rank among my favourite compositions ever, including this one:

I also started a YouTube channel specifically for my music, after intending to for ages, which is what that video there is hosted on. Though I've not uploaded to it much as I would have liked. Mostly it's because I either forget it exists, or I assume minimal interest, which leavese me with insufficient motivation to put the time and effort into preparing the videos. I still have many more compositions to share, though, so maybe I should start trying to remember to put them on there more often. Might even motivate me to compose more regularly.

I also got a tin whistle this year, and 15 of the pieces I composed were for that. I've barely played it, though; I just had a couple of days-long bursts of interest, and it's just been gathering dust between them. Which is a shame.

Games Dev

As I said, most of my time has been spent on this Dreamons 'side project' which isn't really a side project at all at this point. In early February, I was apparently seeing it as a sort of remake of Alora Fane: Creation, which could be used to make your own adventures, and most of the general look and essential features were in place:

Though I'd also been wondering around that time - or a bit after - whether to focus on Pokemon-like monster catching, either of individually designed 'dreamons' (eg Rabbish, Fungoblin), or silly human archetypes (Hippie, Babe, etc).

In April, I'd changed the title to Belief Battles, and had the basic mechanics apparently working:

I changed my mind about the game's story again and revised the focus to be about spreading a religion, and made use of my old silly made-up religion, Yalortism, for some motifs:

I also changed the game to Frayth not long after, as in fray + faith.

In late September (surprisingly recently; feels like forever ago), I revised the narrative aspects yet again to focus on a council of elemental 'dreamon' characters:

One of them is missing from this concept art!

I've been refining that concept further, and I feel like it's what I'll be sticking with (or I certainly hope it will be). I've been wanting to write out a sort of summary of the game's mechanics and setting in their current state, so I might do that soon.

I'm quite pleased with it, though I'm aware my preferences aren't exactly aligned with what's popular. I want to get a playable demo ready sooner rather than later.

There's some other project I spent the better part of a month on, which I've yet to talk about. Hopefully I'll get back to and write about that soon, too.

I also tried to port some of my old Flash games around the start of the year... but got, what, thrown off? Forgot about them? Discouraged by doubts about whether the effort would be worth it? Honestly, I can't even remember. I'd like to get back to those, but... no point promising anything at this point.

Social etc

I'm 35 - or 36 in a couple of months - and I still live with my parents, haven't had a partner in over a decade, I've never been employed, and, well, I have a couple of friends, I suppose, though we rarely talk and I haven't met up with one in months and the other in years. Neither messaged me on Christmas, though one did at least wish me a Happy New Year.

As I said, I've spent most of this year trying to find help for my many mental issues, without much luck. I've talked to a lot of women from various organisations who are ostensibly able to help me - many meetings and phone calls - but none of them have really amounted to anything other than frustration and reduced motivation to work on creative stuff. Or I suppose they exacerbated my hopelessness about the future a bit, so that's something.

I record my moods many times a day using a self-made app thing, and said app can generate these pie charts summarising each month:

Like last year, they show my positive moods becoming less frequent while my negative ones become more frequent. Shocking. Interestingly, my lowest moods - shown by the deep red cuts - have consistently come in the form of a singular terrible event sometime in either November or December.

I'll be starting the Counselling evening class on the 17th, which is concerningly close considering I've probably not left the house in the past month. I'm mostly worried about the first session, partly due to the anxiety of actually finding the right location, and partly worry about the uncontrollable randomness of who else is in the class. If there's someone there I really click with AND I get the chance to interact with them, I could develop a new, local connection which could dramatically improve my life, but if I don't click with anyone there, I'll likely feel even more hopeless and I don't know whether I'll even be able to see the course through to the end.

I hate how much of life success is due to cosmic dice rolls rather than deliberate action or choice. It's not as if Success is certainly hidden in the depths of the Fear Temple, and I just need to brave and conquer that place to acquire it; there might be no temple at all, or it might put in all the effort to reach the end only to find dust and bones.

A quick look at my finances shows that my income is surprisingly consistent each month - mostly thanks to Patreon, I assume, so thanks to those of you who support me on there! - and hasn't declined over time like the views on these blog posts have, but my overall earnings for the year are about half of the yearly minimum wage for the UK. Hmm.

I wondered whether to write some New Year's Resolutions/Goals in this post instead of a separate one, but I'm tired today and it's late and I want to post this one before the 1st is over, so I'll write those in a few days, probably. I already know I've failed to achieve most of the ones I set for 2023!

12 COMMENTS

Ptyrell37~9M

I admit I'm one of those who visits your blog less often now than before, but I always have enjoyed your yearly posts around this time. Both to get a highly summarized version of what I've missed, and also because you always seem to do a good job of self reflection.

One thing that I was wondering was if you've ever been evaluated for ADHD? If so and you've written about it before but I've missed it, I apologize. It just occurs to me that completing a project 85% of the way but then struggling with the last 15% is common with ADHD. Also so is finding various things to get hyper-focused on to the point of being somewhat of an expert on the subject, such as music or mental health.

You've always reminded me a lot of a friend from high school who is an artist/animator. He recently found out he has ADHD and likely ASD.

Tobias 1115~9M

Even I don't check my website as often as I should, so I just appreciate that you ever check it at all!

I've wondered about whether or not I have ADHD before, in large part because my ex-girlfriend - who's also an artist and animator (and doing way better off than I am!) - recently told me about how she'd been diagnosed with that, though neither of us would have suspected it back when we were together over a decade ago.

It sounds like a lot of artists struggle with it - based on what she told me, what you've said here, and the surprising number of animators I follow on YouTube who've made videos about their own struggles with it - which makes me wonder whether it might be related to the openness (to experience) personality trait, which is what drives some people but not others towards creativity. I'm both simultaneously blessed and cursed to be towards the extreme end on the openness spectrum, which is likely why I've wondered whether I have ADHD. Openness is all about seeing new possibilities, but with that comes a struggle to focus on any for as long as it takes to see them to completion because some new shiny idea always comes up and gets distracting.

The day-to-day issues those with ADHD struggle with might be different to my own, though, I'm not sure; I don't know as much about it as I'd prefer. Maybe it's worth looking into again.

I've also wondered many times whether I have autism, but every time I explore the possibility I come to the conclusion I'm not.

I definitely have social anxiety, and it's likely that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder too, and by avoiding things due to those I've become isolated and disconnected, and many issues I have with things like concentration are likely due to that. I'm also not exactly getting paid a salary for my creative projects, so there's the constant worry I'm wasting my time when I should be doing something more lucrative instead. No pathological label is really necessary to explain why sticking with something for months or years despite payment is difficult! If anything, even trying it at all is in itself rather mad. But the drive to create and the fear of going out into the world are what keep me from doing anything saner.

Even I don't check my website as often as I should, so I just appreciate that you ever check it at all!

I've wondered about whether or not I have ADHD before, in large part because my ex-girlfriend - who's also an artist and animator (and doing way better off than I am!) - recently told me about how she'd been diagnosed with that, though neither of us would have suspected it back when we were together over a decade ago.

It sounds like a lot of artists struggle with it - based on what she told me, what you've said here, and the surprising number of animators I follow on YouTube who've made videos about their own struggles with it - which makes me wonder whether it might be related to the openness (to experience) personality trait, which is what drives some people but not others towards creativity. I'm both simultaneously blessed and cursed to be towards the extreme end on the openness spectrum, which is likely why I've wondered whether I have ADHD. Openness is all about seeing new possibilities, but with that comes a struggle to focus on any for as long as it takes to see them to completion because some new shiny idea always comes up and gets distracting.

The day-to-day issues those with ADHD struggle with /might/ be different to my own, though, I'm not sure; I don't know as much about it as I'd prefer. Maybe it's worth looking into again.

I've also wondered many times whether I have autism, but every time I explore the possibility I come to the conclusion I'm not.

I definitely have social anxiety, and it's likely that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder too, and by avoiding things due to those I've become isolated and disconnected, and many issues I have with things like concentration are likely due to that. I'm also not exactly getting paid a salary for my creative projects, so there's the constant worry I'm wasting my time when I should be doing something more lucrative instead. No pathological label is really necessary to explain why sticking with something for months or years despite payment is difficult! If anything, even trying it at all is in itself rather mad. But the drive to create and the fear of going out into the world are what keep me from doing anything saner.

Ptyrell37~9M

Yeah I think your descriptions of Openness and ADHD as potentially both a blessing and a curse are spot on. I've heard of ADHD as being described as having too much attention that wants to be divided among many things, rather than a lack of attention as it is often thought of. But definitely a diagnostic chicken or the egg sort of situation when you mix in any anxiety or personality disorder. I naively hope that the DSM 6 adds some clarity to all of this whenever the heck it comes out.

My wife suspects she has autism and has done plenty of research in the subject. Any sort of formal evaluation is essentially impossible to find where we live in the US, so my understanding is that a self-evaluation or self-diagnosis is fairly common/acceptable. Or in other words, if you've come to the conclusion that you don't have it, you're probably right. The ADHD thing though might be another question.

I would guess that one of the keys for you in determining if you have ADHD would be to look at your symptoms from when you were a child and see how many of those symptoms may have been due to social anxiety, APD, or other. I think theoretically all three (if you have ADHD) would have been present from a young age, and I guess I assume that it would be very difficult to figure out what has led to what in your current situation, with you living in an isolated environment and battling with brain cancer. Maybe reflecting more on your younger days before some of these things would be more accurate?

My wife suspects she has autism and has done plenty of research in the subject. Any sort of formal evaluation is essentially impossible to find where we live in the US, so my understanding is that a self-evaluation or self-diagnosis is fairly common/acceptable. Or in other words, if you've come to the conclusion that you don't have it, you're probably right. The ADHD thing though might be another question.

I would guess that one of the keys for you in determining if you have ADHD would be to look at your symptoms from when you were a child and see how many of those symptoms may have been due to social anxiety, APD, or other. I think theoretically all three (if you have ADHD) would have been present from a young age, and I guess I assume that it would be very difficult to figure out what has led to what in your current situation, with you living in an isolated environment and battling with brain cancer. Maybe reflecting more on your younger days before some of these things would be more accurate?

Tobias 1115~8M

Back when I was young, ADD - as it was more often known then - was associated with the hyperactive, never-sits-still children, and I wasn't like that at all. Nor do I remember struggling with distraction to the point where it got in the way. My issues all came from severe neglect instead of an impaired frontal lobe (which is responsible for executive function, a disruption of which is what produces ADHD).

Any struggles to concentrate I have these days are most likely just a result of the mind-ravaging isolation combined with the general insanity of trying to tackle every aspect of huge projects alone without any pay.

How might you fare if you went and stayed in a hut - just you, alone - for a year, with contact with loved ones limited to maybe an hour a week, during which time you had to write and perform a 3-act play? At the end of which you'd be offered a chance to roll two dice, and if the numbers added up to 12, the door would open and you'd be free.

I doubt you'd be sane by the end of it! You'd have to lack sanity to enter into it in the first place.

(Hardly a perfect comparison - where would the food come from?? - but it's likely very difficult to really imagine how horrendous isolation can be without experiencing it yourself.)

Any struggles to concentrate I have these days are most likely just a result of the mind-ravaging isolation combined with the general insanity of trying to tackle every aspect of huge projects alone without any pay.

How might you fare if you went and stayed in a hut - just you, alone - for a year, with contact with loved ones limited to maybe an hour a week, during which time you had to write and perform a 3-act play? At the end of which you'd be offered a chance to roll two dice, and if the numbers added up to 12, the door would open and you'd be free.

I doubt you'd be sane by the end of it! You'd have to lack sanity to enter into it in the first place.

(Hardly a perfect comparison - where would the food come from?? - but it's likely very difficult to really imagine how horrendous isolation can be without experiencing it yourself.)

Astreon152~9M

I think you're right in saying you did a lot in 2023.

You got out of the house way more often, you interacted with people more, and now you even have the beginning of a plan to become a counselor.

Are there still many uncertainties concerning your future ? Yes.
Are you mental issues cured ? No.

But you started from a very deep low, and considering the prospects 2024 is offering, 2023 was obviously a major progression towards the surface, if not new heights.

So you should be proud of what little progress you made, cause you know, it's still progress, so enjoy it :)

Tobias 1115~8M

It all feels rather pathetic that my 'victories' are simple things most other people do every day without care or effort, but everything is of course relative, and my issues are apparently worse than most.

So I appreciate your looking on the bright side, and should try to do the same.

Laprilla14~9M

Most people fail their New Years resolutions, if that's any comfort. Making them can be fun and motivating in the beginning, but if you ask me it's better to be consistent and change things gradually regardless of what time of year it is. Having goals is great and all, but we need to have perspective and also pace ourselves so we don't burn out or lose sight of why we're doing what we're doing and quit early. (This is definitely something I struggle with on a regular basis, but I think I'm improving gradually over lots of time.)

Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you are by far not alone on that one.

Also, I agree with the other person who said you might have ADHD. If I were you I would seek an evaluation from a psychiatrist (not a counselor), although I don't know how they handle that in the UK. I've gotten evaluated here in the US several times and always turn out to not have ADHD. But I found out that the symptoms I do have can be explained by my actually diagnosed condition, schizoaffective disorder, so even if it isn't ADHD, it could be something else.

Also, I am new here? So hello? I don't know if I should say anything about that or not. I was around in the days of FigHunter a decade or so ago because of Mardek (one of my favorite games to date), and I'm an ISTJ I believe, so I don't know if you appreciate my presence here or not, but I figured maybe I'll just find out the hard way. I am also a fellow creative, if that matters, although I'm more of a hobbyist since I make negative money on my art still, even though I'm 30 and have technically been at it since early childhood. (Yikes.) I still hope that someday it will be my actual job, but I feel like I have to work on it a lot more first. Someday maybe.

Anyway, I appreciate your creative work. I can't say I love every game you ever created (like I'm honestly just not much into side-scrollers), but the ones I do like are among my favorites. I'm thinking of becoming a patron, but I'm pretty poor and my finances are not 100% squared away right now, so it might take several months for me to decide that I can or can't, or how much I can afford to pay for that matter. But I just actually got an income for the first time in my life, so I'm hopeful right now.

Anyway, I've been wanting to comment here for a while, so I hope I am helpful at all and not in any way unhelpful. ^_^'

Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you are by far not alone on that one.

Also, I agree with the other person who said you might have ADHD. If I were you I would seek an evaluation from a psychiatrist (not a counselor), although I don't know how they handle that in the UK. I've gotten evaluated here in the US several times and always turn out to not have ADHD. But I found out that the symptoms I do have can be explained by my actually diagnosed condition, schizoaffective disorder, so even if it isn't ADHD, it could be something else.

Also, I am new here? So hello? I don't know if I should say anything about that or not. I was around in the days of FigHunter a decade or so ago because of Mardek (one of my favorite games to date), and I'm an ISTJ I believe, so I don't know if you appreciate my presence here or not, but I figured maybe I'll just find out the hard way. I am also a fellow creative, if that matters, although I'm more of a hobbyist since I make negative money on my art still, even though I'm 30 and have technically been at it since early childhood. (Yikes.) I still hope that someday it will be my actual job, but I feel like I have to work on it a lot more first. Someday maybe.

Anyway, I appreciate your creative work. I can't say I love every game you ever created (like I'm honestly just not much into side-scrollers), but the ones I do like are among my favorites. I'm thinking of becoming a patron, but I'm pretty poor and my finances are not 100% squared away right now, so it might take several months for me to decide that I can or can't, or how much I can afford to pay for that matter. But I just actually got an income for the first time in my life, so I'm hopeful right now.

Anyway, I've been wanting to comment here for a while, so I hope I am helpful at all and not in any way unhelpful. ^_^'

Tobias 1115~8M

Hello, I appreciate you taking the time to comment in detail!

I'm assuming you're familiar with my distaste for 'T-types' years ago, but I'd like to think I've grown beyond all that now, and looking back at it makes me cringe. I suppose it was all just me trying to think my way out of collapsing under more pressure than I could handle, or something like that.

I'm curious though about you saying you're ISTJ. Is that based on a recent test result, or a deeper understanding of the theory behind what the letters actually mean? I'm especially curious about how your creativity manifests itself, since the trait associated with creativity (openness) would typically give an N in a person's Myers-Briggs type... maybe. Though of course a creative drive can't be reduced to something so simple. Do you prefer to draw invented things, or representational things like portraits, landscapes, etc?

As for me, isolation ravages the mind, and I'd blame that for any issues I have with maintaining attention before feeling the need for a label like ADHD. I did try to seek a formal diagnosis just a few weeks ago, though, but it doesn't seem to be straightforward. I just got a phone call from a mental health nurse who wasn't even qualified to diagnose.

How have you got a diagnosis? Has it cost money?

Thanks again for commenting, I appreciate anything people take the time to say to me as long as it's not hostile!

Hello, I appreciate you taking the time to comment in detail!

I'm assuming you're familiar with my distaste for 'T-types' years ago, but I'd like to think I've grown beyond all that now, and looking back at it makes me cringe. I suppose it was all just me trying to think my way out of collapsing under more pressure than I could handle, or something like that.

I'm curious though about you saying you're ISTJ. Is that based on a recent test result, or a deeper understanding of the theory behind what the letters actually mean? I'm especially curious about how your creativity manifests itself, since the trait associated with creativity (openness) would typically give an N in a person's Myers-Briggs type... maybe. Though of course a creative drive can't be reduced to something so simple. Do you prefer to draw invented things, or representational things like portraits, landscapes, etc?

As for me, isolation ravages the mind, and I'd blame that for any issues I have with maintaining attention before feeling the need for a label like ADHD. I did try to seek a formal diagnosis just a few weeks ago, though, but it doesn't seem to be straightforward. I just got a phone call from a mental health nurse who wasn't even qualified to diagnose.

How have you got a diagnosis? Has it cost money?

Thanks again for commenting, I appreciate anything people take the time to say to me as long as it's not hostile!

Laprilla14~8M

I studied MBTI back in the Fig Hunter days and came up with ISTJ after a long time researching functions and looking at various type descriptions. One of the things that tipped me off that I'm an ISTJ was the common job choices. My first choice is art, but other jobs or careers I was interested in were things like accountant, librarian, lawyer, even judge (although that's a daunting one), lab technician, and things like that. Kind of ISTJ sounding stuff for the most part.

I sometimes wonder about how personality affects someone's art. I like to think that all types can be artistic.

When I make art, I like illustration and stories. I like drawing characters, objects, and scenes, and I mainly prefer to draw from imagination, funny enough. My dream would be to make graphic novels or Webtoons or just stories that have a lot of illustrations. But in spite of that, I don't actually have a lot of ideas of what to create. I've held onto a lot of characters I made up over the years, but coming up with actual stories involving them is pretty hard for some reason. Something I need to work on, I guess.

Um, actually, I was wrong with what I said about who to get a diagnosis from. Apparently counselors can diagnose some things, so... I said the wrong thing.

I got diagnosed at a mental hospital. I was sent there for causing a scene in my neighborhood, which kind of tipped everyone off that I'm mentally ill. For me it didn't cost anything because I qualified for Obamacare since I didn't have a job or money. But I believe a lot of people do have to pay or get covered by healthcare when they get sent to a mental hospital. The first time I went to one I was 18, I stayed for seven days, and later I got a bill for something outrageous like $5000. It's pretty dang expensive. Now I don't have to pay for things because I'm on SSI for my schizoaffective. I don't know what hoops most people have to jump through to get a diagnosis because I've been fortunate, I guess. My condition was severe enough to get noticed.

I sometimes wonder about how personality affects someone's art. I like to think that all types can be artistic.

When I make art, I like illustration and stories. I like drawing characters, objects, and scenes, and I mainly prefer to draw from imagination, funny enough. My dream would be to make graphic novels or Webtoons or just stories that have a lot of illustrations. But in spite of that, I don't actually have a lot of ideas of what to create. I've held onto a lot of characters I made up over the years, but coming up with actual stories involving them is pretty hard for some reason. Something I need to work on, I guess.

Um, actually, I was wrong with what I said about who to get a diagnosis from. Apparently counselors can diagnose some things, so... I said the wrong thing.

I got diagnosed at a mental hospital. I was sent there for causing a scene in my neighborhood, which kind of tipped everyone off that I'm mentally ill. For me it didn't cost anything because I qualified for Obamacare since I didn't have a job or money. But I believe a lot of people do have to pay or get covered by healthcare when they get sent to a mental hospital. The first time I went to one I was 18, I stayed for seven days, and later I got a bill for something outrageous like $5000. It's pretty dang expensive. Now I don't have to pay for things because I'm on SSI for my schizoaffective. I don't know what hoops most people have to jump through to get a diagnosis because I've been fortunate, I guess. My condition was severe enough to get noticed.

Tobias 1115~8M

Interesting that you took the time to investigate Myers-Briggs rather than just doing a test as most people seem to!

Since going to uni to get my Psychology degree, I've moved on from Myers-Briggs and now understand personality in terms of the Big Five traits, which is what the academics use. I think about them every day, but have barely written about them on this blog. I keep meaning to write a general explanation post about them, but never seem to get around to it.

Just as the four words tall, short, fat, skinny describe opposite ends of two spectra of physical appearance, we use a bunch of adjectives to describe aspects of personality which also come in spectra. Introversion/extroversion is the most well-known, though it's wrongly thought of as a binary (and treated as such by MBTI) when most people are somewhere between the two.

The researchers who discovered the Big Five were most surprised by a trait they initially called Intellect, but later changed to Openness to Experience, or just Openness. I don't like that name, though, and prefer Abstract, or Abstral, which is what I went with for the element based on it in my recent games.

People at one end of the openness spectrum have their head in the clouds, while those at the other end have their feet firmly planted on the ground, so to speak. So it's dreamy creativity and pursuit of novelty versus firmly-rooted pragmatism and preference for the familiar. Liberalism vs Conservatism is heavily associated with openness.

It's true though that 'art' is so vague a term that it can encompass very different things. Abstract art and hyper-realistic portraits both fall under the same label, even though they're surely born of very different types of personality.

Schizoaffective is something I'm not that familiar with, and I had it confused with the annoyingly similarly-named but very different Schizotypal, so I just googled it. Do you - or have you ever - experienced things like hallucinations? If so, I kind of envy you in a way, since I feel that gives you some insight into aspects of reality that the rest of us are blind to. Though I can also understand how it could be disruptive to having to adapt to the mundane common path which we all have to walk to pay the bills.

I'm also quite curious about your experience in a mental hospital! My friend works in one, so I hear bits and pieces about what they're like, but stuff I learned while getting my Psychology degree suggest the experience can be harrowing for the patients. Other things I've seen on Reddit suggest they might be a place to meet like-minded people, though. I often feel I should be in one myself - or one day I will be - though Avoidant Personality (which is likely what I have) doesn't really have the whole making-a-scene aspect to it so it's barely researched and people with it just go unnoticed.

Also, I got brain surgery and years of follow-up treatment entirely for free. The American mercenary healthcare system sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. Charging exorbitant amount of money to the people least likely to be able to afford it. Ugh. Sorry you have to put up with that!

Oh, and apparently my counsellor explicitly told me she couldn't diagnose me, so who knows who even can!

Interesting that you took the time to investigate Myers-Briggs rather than just doing a test as most people seem to!

Since going to uni to get my Psychology degree, I've moved on from Myers-Briggs and now understand personality in terms of the Big Five traits, which is what the academics use. I think about them every day, but have barely written about them on this blog. I keep meaning to write a general explanation post about them, but never seem to get around to it.

Just as the four words tall, short, fat, skinny describe opposite ends of two spectra of physical appearance, we use a bunch of adjectives to describe aspects of personality which also come in spectra. Introversion/extroversion is the most well-known, though it's wrongly thought of as a binary (and treated as such by MBTI) when most people are somewhere between the two.

The researchers who discovered the Big Five were most surprised by a trait they initially called Intellect, but later changed to Openness to Experience, or just Openness. I don't like that name, though, and prefer Abstract, or Abstral, which is what I went with for the element based on it in my recent games.

People at one end of the openness spectrum have their head in the clouds, while those at the other end have their feet firmly planted on the ground, so to speak. So it's dreamy creativity and pursuit of novelty versus firmly-rooted pragmatism and preference for the familiar. Liberalism vs Conservatism is heavily associated with openness.

It's true though that 'art' is so vague a term that it can encompass very different things. Abstract art and hyper-realistic portraits both fall under the same label, even though they're surely born of very different types of personality.

Schizoaffective is something I'm not that familiar with, and I had it confused with the annoyingly similarly-named but very different Schizotypal, so I just googled it. Do you - or have you ever - experienced things like hallucinations? If so, I kind of envy you in a way, since I feel that gives you some insight into aspects of reality that the rest of us are blind to. Though I can also understand how it could be disruptive to having to adapt to the mundane common path which we all have to walk to pay the bills.

I'm also quite curious about your experience in a mental hospital! My friend works in one, so I hear bits and pieces about what they're like, but stuff I learned while getting my Psychology degree suggest the experience can be harrowing for the patients. Other things I've seen on Reddit suggest they might be a place to meet like-minded people, though. I often feel I should be in one myself - or one day I will be - though Avoidant Personality (which is likely what I have) doesn't really have the whole making-a-scene aspect to it so it's barely researched and people with it just go unnoticed.

Also, I got brain surgery and years of follow-up treatment entirely for free. The American mercenary healthcare system sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. Charging exorbitant amount of money to the people least likely to be able to afford it. Ugh. Sorry you have to put up with that!

Oh, and apparently my counsellor explicitly told me she couldn't diagnose me, so who knows who even can!

Laprilla14~8M

My brother also said he wished he could have hallucinations. He's an INTP in Myers-Briggs, so that's funny. ^_^ He's a very curious person.

I wonder if I'm in the middle of many Big 5 traits since I remember scoring pretty close on S/N, F/T, and J/P on Myers-Briggs tests. Introversion was my only clear trait, and it was more like 70-80%.

I get hallucinations sometimes. Usually I get weird smells, tastes, and sensations, and then sometimes I experience thought insertions (i.e. thoughts that feel like they belong to someone else).

I've been to four total mental hospitals/psych wards, one at age 18 and three in the last few years. They had some really good things about them and some things that are difficult. I felt the worst thing was feeling trapped; even though my maximum stay was something like two weeks, it just starts to feel bad after a few days, for me at least. I did make some friends in the hospital, though, and I felt a bit of a sense of belonging at one hospital. Also, they all gave a lot of things for us to do to keep us occupied like mindfulness exercises, tai chi, and arts and crafts activities. Getting to speak to a doctor each day was also very helpful.

There were times that a patient was isolated (usually men) because they were deemed unsafe. But there's always security, lots of staff, and lots of cameras, at least in the hospitals I went to. I personally felt safe during all my stays, but I know someone who hates psych wards because they feel unsafe to them. So there's that.

My brother is also having trouble getting diagnosed with autism. He said he got people to say they'll help him, but no one follows through, so he has yet to even get evaluated. It also took a long time for him to get diagnosed with and treated for depression. Google says that a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist can diagnose people with Avoidant Personality Disorder. Don't know if that helps at all. I wonder if you can directly contact one or if you need a referral from a primary care physician. I actually don't even have a PCP myself, yet I have a psychiatrist.

My brother also said he wished he could have hallucinations. He's an INTP in Myers-Briggs, so that's funny. ^_^ He's a very curious person.

I wonder if I'm in the middle of many Big 5 traits since I remember scoring pretty close on S/N, F/T, and J/P on Myers-Briggs tests. Introversion was my only clear trait, and it was more like 70-80%.

I get hallucinations sometimes. Usually I get weird smells, tastes, and sensations, and then sometimes I experience thought insertions (i.e. thoughts that feel like they belong to someone else).

I've been to four total mental hospitals/psych wards, one at age 18 and three in the last few years. They had some really good things about them and some things that are difficult. I felt the worst thing was feeling trapped; even though my maximum stay was something like two weeks, it just starts to feel bad after a few days, for me at least. I did make some friends in the hospital, though, and I felt a bit of a sense of belonging at one hospital. Also, they all gave a lot of things for us to do to keep us occupied like mindfulness exercises, tai chi, and arts and crafts activities. Getting to speak to a doctor each day was also very helpful.

There were times that a patient was isolated (usually men) because they were deemed unsafe. But there's always security, lots of staff, and lots of cameras, at least in the hospitals I went to. I personally felt safe during all my stays, but I know someone who hates psych wards because they feel unsafe to them. So there's that.

My brother is also having trouble getting diagnosed with autism. He said he got people to say they'll help him, but no one follows through, so he has yet to even get evaluated. It also took a long time for him to get diagnosed with and treated for depression. Google says that a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist can diagnose people with Avoidant Personality Disorder. Don't know if that helps at all. I wonder if you can directly contact one or if you need a referral from a primary care physician. I actually don't even have a PCP myself, yet I have a psychiatrist.

Alberto13~8M

Happy New Year 2024 Tobias!
I wish you luck in life.