Alora Fane

The worst parts of social anxiety aren't during the dreaded event, but before and especially afterwards.

I wrote an overly long blog post here less than 24 hours ago going into excessive detail about my first time around a group of strangers in years. I talked about how I was surprised by how 'confident' I felt about speaking up during the event, and how while there were a few moments where I was concerned my social ineptitude was off-putting to others, for the most part I left feeling rather elated, like the whole thing was a big success, a step forward out of this pit I've been in for too long, maybe even that the severe social anxiety I've always understood myself as having had magically got better as I'd got older or something. (Can't remember if I said all that in the post exactly, but that's generally how I felt.)

I normally sleep at 9pm (to wake up at 5), but the class ended then, and my buzzing mind afterwards kept me awake several hours longer than usual. That combined with the unusual stress of doing something so unfamiliar left me exhausted yesterday, so I decided to just spend the day writing that blog post and then relaxing, resting on that success and pleasantly hoping for the possibilities the next class might provide.

Instead, mere hours after writing the post yesterday, the self-flagellating thoughts began seeping in. Specific memories about things I'd done or said, the way I must have come across as naive, weird, insane in a threatening way, a socially inept pest who everyone there would rather didn't show up the next time. I started cringing about going into such excessive detail in my blog, too. Sane people don't do that kind of thing, have those kinds of thoughts. I'm messed up. Pathetic. There's too much wrong with me. Why even try? I should just go and rot away in a cave and never interact with anyone again.

This post-event rumination is one of the hallmarks of social anxiety disorder; the anxiety isn't confined to the event it's associated with, and much of it blossoms aftewards, sometimes leaving scars that last for years or a lifetime. The experience of cringing at something you did or said years ago seems universal, but for most people seems to be reserved for extremely cringeworthy things (eg telling an inappropriate joke to a table full of people who all respond aghast), whereas for people with the condition I'm saddled with, the majority of interactions create those painful core memories. Or at least that's how it feels immediately after the event.

I'm not writing this because I know what to do about it. I suppose awareness of what's going on - it's the demons speaking, their poison isn't truth - is the best I can do.

Mostly I'm just writing this because I was trying to work on Dreamons, but kept getting distracted by these thoughts. Maybe writing them out here will give me some peace and I can get to work? We'll see.

I envy those of you who don't have to deal with a mind that does this!

Actually, I'm feeling physically ill too, like I've got a cold. It'd make sense, since I just spent time around strangers - in Winter, too - and likely picked up some viruses I've not developed immunities to.

I was fine yesterday, though; it takes a while for the infection to incubate.

I suppose the parallels there are interesting, and the 'solution' is probably the same for the rumination and the cold: just waiting until they run their course and clear up on their own, distracting myself from the unpleasant feelings as much as I can in the meantime.

Anyway. Back to Dreamons. I'd like to write about that again soon.

9 COMMENTS

Mgvitale894~10M

Hi! The narration you make on post-event rumiation is quite clear. Actually, most people have experienced varios degrees of this; independently of how "sane" they consider themselves to be. Your text actually reminds me of some complicated rumiating experiences, also non-justified.
There is one thing, I think, can help coping with these proceses. One of the worst things about social anxiety is thinking that you can influence on the other people's opinión about you. It is like, if what others think, wether they like or dislike you, depended on what you did. Like some weird "control fantasy" in which the effect you produce on others dependa mainly or entirely on your own actions.
Actually, it does not. It helps a lot to remind yourself that, maybe, there is nothing you can do yo influence what others think about you.
You may meet lovely people, or jerkasses. Anyway, with you just being yourself (easier said than done) you will find your way around it. No need to regret whatever you have said or done.
Interestingly, there is also no way to predict how your actions or sayings would have influenced this or that person in particular. People... They are just too "weird". They may just celebrate some of these "regrettable" things.
Hope this helps! Anyway, congratulations on your first class, and wish you best of luck for Theo next ones! Everything will just be alright!

Tobias 1115~10M

Most mental health condition symptoms are abnormal in degree rather than kind, and post-event rumination is no different. As I mentioned in the post, most people have memories of cringing at something extremely socially inappropriate that they did, like telling a joke to a group that palpably failed to land. The difference with social anxiety is that the threshold is much lower. I liken it to a fire alarm that's calibrated to go off when the room's just slightly warm.

I've found it interesting over the years how differently people seem to interpret the fundamental fears of people with social anxiety, or how differently those fundamental fears are for different individuals with the condition. The (futile) desire to influence others' opinions misses the mark for me personally. I've been planning to write yet another post today about this, so I might have posted that by the time you read this.

Laprilla14~10M

I just wanted to say that I relate to a lot of what you're saying, and I'm glad you decided to share it with us. I get social anxiety myself; one of the things that made me avoid social situations in the past was knowing that the bad feelings will be worse after the event than before or during even if nothing really bad happened, and I might create a bad memory that will stay with me for a long time, maybe even my lifetime. I felt the same way about the comment I left on your last post (should I really have commented that??). And the thing is maybe I will mess up and make a mistake in real life if I choose to speak to people, so in a way the fear is real, but having social anxiety just takes it to an extreme. And it's really unfortunate when you have sometime good to offer the world, but the negative voices keep you down.

I don't know if it helps at all, but personally I'm finding that talking to people who know me and care for me about my insecurities has kind of helped me over the last few years. I have honest and helpful people in my life whose feedback I can trust. So sometimes if I'm feeling uncertain about something, I'll go ask for feedback, and they usually tell me it's fine, I'm worrying too much. Sometimes they say they do disagree with me, but it's generally not a huge deal. I don't know, but hearing it from someone else really helped my confidence. I hope it can help yours as well.

I feel like I had more to say, but it's just not coming to mind.

And I'm feeling like this now, too: Should I post this? I want to say it since maybe it helps, but I'm afraid to say it in case it doesn't. ^_^' Maybe I'll ask someone, lol.

I don't know if it helps at all, but personally I'm finding that talking to people who know me and care for me about my insecurities has kind of helped me over the last few years. I have honest and helpful people in my life whose feedback I can trust. So sometimes if I'm feeling uncertain about something, I'll go ask for feedback, and they usually tell me it's fine, I'm worrying too much. Sometimes they say they do disagree with me, but it's generally not a huge deal. I don't know, but hearing it from someone else really helped my confidence. I hope it can help yours as well.

I feel like I had more to say, but it's just not coming to mind.

And I'm feeling like this now, too: Should I post this? I want to say it since maybe it helps, but I'm afraid to say it in case it doesn't. ^_^' Maybe I'll ask someone, lol.

Tobias 1115~10M

Ha, I don't even remember what you said in your other comment! Much like how the tutor didn't remember what I said and was cringing about during the class. Nobody cares about what we do nearly as much we ourselves do. Though knowing that and 'believing' it are very different things, of course.

(While I don't remember what you said in your comment, I also don't remember having a negative reaction to it, which I would if I'd had one. For what that's worth. I have no negative feelings about this one I'm replying to, either!)

Having a support network is really important for enduring the slings and arrows life and our minds cast against us, but my biggest problem is that I don't really have one. I have a couple of friends, but we rarely talk. One agreed to do a video call before the first class - to my surprise - and that helped, but she still hasn't replied to the message I sent her after I got back, and I haven't heard from the other in weeks.

Being so cut off is a nightmare because I don't have anyone else to calibrate my thoughts with, and I don't get reassurance that my approach is acceptable. My biggest hope for this class has been that I could meet someone there to fill the void, but no luck yet. Though it's still very early days.

(While I don't remember what you said in your comment, I also don't remember having a negative reaction to it, which I would if I'd had one. For what that's worth. I have no negative feelings about this one I'm replying to, either!)

Having a support network is really important for enduring the slings and arrows life and our minds cast against us, but my biggest problem is that I don't really have one. I have a couple of friends, but we rarely talk. One agreed to do a video call before the first class - to my surprise - and that helped, but she still hasn't replied to the message I sent her after I got back, and I haven't heard from the other in weeks.

Being so cut off is a nightmare because I don't have anyone else to calibrate my thoughts with, and I don't get reassurance that my approach is acceptable. My biggest hope for this class has been that I could meet someone there to fill the void, but no luck yet. Though it's still very early days.

Laprilla14~10M

Ah, that makes sense. I have a few people in my life, but I can talk to them pretty often. I'm sorry you have to be alone. That sounds pretty difficult.

I remember my counselors telling me about meetup groups for people with similar mental health issues. I don't know if they have that for people with anxiety or AvPD, but it would make a lot of sense in my opinion. Maybe you can look for something like that or ask a counselor if they know of anything like that.

Tobias 1115~10M

Isolation ravages the mind, and it's the crux of most of my issues these days. I've spent much of my life trying to escape it with much more failure than success.

I tried many meetup groups in the past, including anxiety support groups. I was always the youngest one in the group by decades; everyone else was married and employed.

Laprilla14~10M

I wish I had better advice then, but I guess I don’t.

I do relate, though. My friends are basically my family (which is large-ish), and other than that I have one friend who I rarely talk to. There are a few non-family who I know, but we never really talk. I wish I had more connections, hence why I reach out on Reddit and YouTube sometimes. There’s the option to write about a fantastical friendship group that I probably will never get to have in reality, which maybe I can still do. I feel I’m not very creative with the story-writing, though, but it’s something I want to do.

Hopefully I’m not talking about myself too much. Just wanted to say I think I get at least some of what you’re going through. Maybe even a lot of it. And I wish you well, however that may display itself.

astralwolf92~10M

Off topic but, have you seen this? It contextualises the UFO stories: [LINK]

I think it’s fair without being knee jerk dismissive

LotBlind53~10M

I like those in-depth posts about how you felt going about your social adventures! Plus one to those.