PERSONAL

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Alienation as the Crux of My Social Anxiety

11 months ago1,954 words

Some venting of anxiety I feel about the second counselling class later today. I feel like I'm the alien in the group. I don't mind being an alien, I just wish I could meet another alien to hide away from it all together with.

I intended to post an update on the weekend about games dev progress, and then to write another after the next session of the counselling class thing... but my mind's been filling with increasingly intense negative thoughts over the past week and they seem to be especially strong today, the day of the next class (which starts at 6pm; it's now 10:30am). So I'm using this as an outlet again in the hopes of venting out that building stress.

I have actually continued working on Dreamons most days! And I've done a lot on it each day, like 6 or more hours. It's been months since I last wrote a proper post about it, so I really do want to do that (for my own benefit as much as anything; I haven't got the impression anyone else cares all that much about it). This counselling course is the first time I've had any contact with strangers in literally years, though, and it presents - or at least presented beforehand - the possibility of escaping the isolation pit I've been maddenly stuck in for too long. So of course I'm distracted by it.



Last week, I agreed to do a video call with a friend on the day of the class, which helped since I could switch from recluse mode to actual human mode, though I haven't heard from her all week. I messaged her after the class and she's yet to reply. The other friend, who usually calls me once a week, hasn't for several weeks because she said via text she's going through a lot at the moment. These things are contributing to the other negative thoughts I've been having.

It also means I've gone all week without a conversation, which worries me because it'll likely affect how I present myself to others at the class. Not that I did a great job of that last time.

I've been thinking about that. At the time, I felt proud, surprised by how little anxiety I felt and how much I opened up, at least to the tutor. I thought maybe my issues weren't as bad as I thought. But in hindsight I just see my behaviour as oblivious or something. Inappropriate, but lacking the hyper-critical and negatively biased self-awareness my demons tell me I 'should' have about everything I ever say and do.

I should sit in a dark corner and not even try to interact with anyone when I go today, they tell me. It'll be a kindness, not poisoning them with my off-putting presence.

Mostly this is due to what I mean by 'interact' here. I wish I'd got a chance to talk with individuals one-on-one! Which is what I hoped a counselling course would include a lot of chances to do. And maybe it will, in time, though this was just the first, introductory session.

Instead, my 'interaction' was speaking up during a lecture, probably an annoying amount. My assumptions about other people's thoughts are all based on knowing pretty much nothing about any of them besides the fact they all seemed more well-dressed than me (they looked like they came from ordinary jobs, I look like someone who rarely leaves the house), they were all women, and they all had careers in things like teaching.

You'd think if they're getting into counselling then they'd be compassionate about people who seemed odd, but... well, time will tell, I suppose.

I was looking forward - based on what my mum's colleague told her about her time during the last run of the course - to being in a room full of mentally ill people. Just my luck that my class has, by chance, mostly people who've never had therapy in their lives.

If we'd all been directed there by our current or past counsellors and were all trying to escape pits and get back into the world, that would have been wonderful for me! Instead I got the impression I'm the only one doing that, and that for everyone else it's just some additional career skill to add to their resumes.



While I've not had a real in-person conversation all week, I spoke to a few strangers on some mental health app thing I've used a few times over the years. They were brief, fleeting interactions, and most were more frustrating than anything else. One person had social anxiety too, though, and we talked a bit about that, which mostly involved me talking about being a weirdo alien and that the others in the class all seemed like 'normies' by comparison. It concluded with them reassuring me that it's okay, they won't necessarily judge me for that.

And I suppose most people with social anxiety do see it this way? As some unidirectional less-than evaluation compared to everyone else. They are all competent/normal/well-adjusted, and I'm not, but I wish I was so then they'd accept me.

It's not like that for me. I know I'm a weirdo, an outsider, and I don't actually mind that. I assume more 'normal' people will be disgusted by me and will reject me, because we're on different wavelengths rather than because I assume they're 'better' than me in some absolute sense. I acknowledge that they're 'better' at being well-adjusted, but I also take pride in some of my own personality traits or abilities, especially creative ones. I've probably composed more pieces of music than any of them, for example. And honestly it bothers me how many people's interests seem to be things they consume rather than things they make.

It's more a case of being different from one another. From different worlds.

Imagine if a black Jamaican woman attended a computer science class that was full of nerdy white British men. While they might accept her, and they all might get along at least on some superficial, professional level, don't you think she might also long to find someone she can deeply relate with about key parts of her life experience and identity? Someone who's 'her people', rather than a 'kind foreigner'.

(I use age and sex as an example there, though I regard them as superficial and I'm more interested in personality compatibility.)

I'm weird, and it's not of much value to me whether a bunch of people who are very unlike me accept me. I do, however, crave a connection with someone who's also weird, who I can be an outsider together with.

Like if everyone's having some rowdy party in the pool, I don't want to be invited to join in, and not judged for my performance. I want to sit on a bench and watch, with someone beside me who'd also chosen to do that (rather than them pitying me while secretly wishing they'd be invited to join in), with whom I could share knowing commentary about how neither of us care for that kind of thing.

Ideally it'd be just one person, a partner who I could live with, so then I could tackle life's challenges arm-in-arm with an ally. I've written about all this before.



I suppose I've also been thinking a lot about how men and women perceive one another, what with being the only guy in the group, that being a big part of the Zeitgeist in general, and a particular interest of mine while studying Psychology.

YouTube recommended this SNL sketch to me the other day:



I'm generally not a fan of SNL and rarely find their sketches actually amusing, though they're short so I've clicked a few of the years, hence the algorithmic recommendation.

This one particularly disgusted me though. In case you're not interested in watching the short clip, it's an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for just women, which initially has an average-looking guy mistakenly barge in and get scolded and told to go away. Then, when a tall, attractive guy walks in (I assume he's a celebrity, though I don't recognise him), they free a seat for him and start openly moaning with lust over him.

Imagine if the sexes were flipped! A room full of men is interrupted by an overweight, middle-aged woman, who they spit poison at, then soon after a pretty young intruder is happily welcomed and overly lusted over.

It's obviously exaggerating behaviour for comic effect (and one of the comments suggested half the women in the room are lesbians in reality anyway?), but the humour is expected to land because it's based on something familiar and real. There's a massive gulf in receptiveness depending on your attractiveness.

I'm far from hot - and, like I said, I look like someone who doesn't get out much - so I know there's a good chance I'd be perceived as an unwelcome creep in the group of women in this class. I worry about making them uncomfortable, either by being there at all or by insulting them by expecting they spend any of their time or attention on me. Especially if I hint I'd want to know any of them beyond the class.

But this is why I'd hope to find someone who's also a mentally ill outcast. In my (admittedly limited) past experience, they've been receptive to me, and we've got along well enough because there's plenty to talk about.

Back in school, I was the sort of outcast who was picked last for teams during PE. I hated sport anyway and would rather not be there, so fair enough for them not wanting me on their team, but still. That sort of thing sticks with you, and I'm expecting the same here. The tutor said at one point we'll be getting into groups of three. I'm fully expecting to be the one two poor women pityingly accept into their group only because all the other groups are already formed. Who they'll talk to with forced smiles and barely-hidden discomfort - if they don't just talk to one another as if I'm not even there - and who they'll run away from as soon as they're not forced to be stuck with me.

I'm hoping that won't happen, but expecting that it will. Based on my experiences so far, the expectation currently outweighs the hope. Will things change over time? We'll see.



What I really want from life is to just hide away from it all. To find a cosy little house to create stuff from while never bothering with social gatherings, job interviews, climbing career ladders. I'm just very aware that doing that entirely alone would drive me even further to madness, and also I need more money than I'm currently making in order to even move out of my parents' house.

I suppose I've been hoping this counselling course will be a step towards that point...

...but I suppose we're also conditioned these days to expect instant gratification, which I didn't achieve after the very first class. Why isn't everything sorted out already?? Why didn't I meet the woman of my dreams right away??? MIGHT AS WELL JUST GIVE UP NOW THEN! Wah wah wah!

I just need to give it more time. Test my negative assumptions rather than believing them to be true. Better than just rotting away isolated from it all, right? Right??

(Or so I conclude, in an attempt to not get TOO lost in doubt and fear, lest it only become a self-fulfilling prophecy...)

(Writing this does seem to have calmed a lot of the anxiety, at least!)