PERSONAL

14

708

Being An Outcast Hurts

11 months ago1,961 words

Well, no miracles yesterday.

First, thanks to those of you who've left comments on these posts in which I overshare about my dismal personal life. I've been terrible at replying, as usual, though I appreciate the compassion.

I went to the second class of the counselling course last night, after spending the whole day anxious about it.

I came out just feeling hopeless and deeply depressed, worse than usual. Terms like 'spirit broken' floated around my mind on the dark, lonely walk home.

I got a better look at my classmates since I didn't sit in front of everyone this time. Last time I thought they were all way more fashionable-looking than me; this time I realised they were more normal and the difference inbetween me and them probably wasn't that stark, at least in terms of simple appearance. I probably didn't look like some escaped mental patient among a group in black tie.

I also got to talk to a couple of them briefly, and I overhead some of their interactions too, which only accentuated the feelings of alienation.

Someone sat next to me, to my surprise, and we worked together as a pair for some discussion task. We were very different, and I could sense I was being socially inept despite trying. How could I not be, after so long isolating? After the task, she turned to the pair to her right and talked with them as a trio while I just silently simmered in negative thoughts. Another pair talked on my left. The people either side of me - with an empty space between me and the one on the left - noticeably had their backs turned to me while talking with the others. Body language conveys a lot.

(Could also be that mine was unwelcoming or off-putting, though.)

During a break, everyone got up to leave the room. My instinct was to stay in my seat while everyone else mingled, but I thought I won't have any hope of fitting in if I do that, so I at least followed them out to see where they even went. We all walked - with them chatting among each other while I quietly trailed behind - to a vending machine.

Oh, actually, stepping back a bit, I arrived a bit early for the class, and as soon as I entered the reception, the receptionist waved to me and said "hello, Tobias!". She was the one I had the most interesting interaction with last time, and it apparently stuck in her mind enough - or I did - that she remembered my name. I didn't remember hers - I don't think she even told me - so I asked, but I said I did remember that she mentioned her Myers-Briggs type, which she repeated was INTJ, pronounced "int-jay". I always used to say them like that! Though these days I've switched to "eye en tee jay". She also mentioned Jordan Peterson, I don't remember why; unbeknownst to her, I'd literally just been listening to the audiobook of 12 Rules For Life on the walk there (I've been meaning to get through it for years), so I mentioned that. We talked briefly, but got cut off when she had to do her job and take a call. A shame. I'd be curious to know her story, and why she had even the slightest interest in engaging with me. Why I'd stuck in her mind.

When everyone went to the vending machine, I thought I'd at least maybe go back and talk to her again... but the reception was dark and empty by this point. So instead I stood with the group, though I kind of hung around at the back silently, listening.

All of them talked about either their careers, their partners, their children, or popular (but in my opinion vapid) television programmes like ∞ Love Island ∞. Even if I'd wanted to join in, what could I possibly have said? WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE POKEMON MINE'S GIRAFARIG.

It's not that I don't have interesting things to say. I feel I do, and I can have ~deep conversations~ for hours once the opportunity arrives. It's just this mundane stuff that I have no connection to because my life experience has been so vastly different.

I felt too awkward to just wander off, though, so I just lurked silently with them, increasingly aware of how I was being ignored. My mind went to this study I remember learning about back when getting my Psychology degree:



In a nutshell, social exclusion activates the exact same brain regions as physical pain. (And can be lessened with painkillers; I should pump myself full of drugs next time, I bet that'd help!!)

I also recalled how way back in school, I was always the last chosen for groups or PE teams; can't remember if I already mentioned that in the post yesterday. It's a result of poor socialisation during childhood - which Jordan Peterson was talking about at length in the section of the book I happened to hear on the way there, funnily enough - and it's very difficult to undo that damage once it's done.

After a while, as their chatter naturally came to a close, one looked to me and asked in a tone I wouldn't describe as welcoming whether I wanted to get something from the vending machine, causing a sudden cold shift in atmosphere that every outcast is likely used to when they're addressed (if you're not familiar with it, everyone goes immediately quiet and their body language shifts in an alarm- or unease-flavoured way; it's palpably awkward). I just gave a disarming laugh and said no, it's okay, and then they all turned as a group to head back to class, and back to ignoring me.

I trailed behind silently, my role in the tribe fairly firmly cemented by this point.



Another thing I just remembered was that, during another break, I left the room quickly while everyone else took their time gathering their belongings, putting on coats, etc (I don't 'get comfortable' in strange settings, and keep my coat on, like the weirdo I am).

A younger-seeming girl followed me fairly quickly, and while navigating the doors and corridors we had some brief exchanges ("thanks" and the like while holding open doors), and her tone sounded less disgusted or distancing than I would have expected. I wondered whether we might get a chance to talk, and whether she might even want to engage with someone like me (what a thought!).

But no. Mere moments later, we entered the cafeteria area where what I'm assuming was her boyfriend was sitting there on his PC, and she went and talked to him.



I should try to alter my expectations for what I could get out of this course in the long run... but it's like saying that I 'should' feel okay when I'm punched in the face. The psychological reactions I've been getting from being reminded of my place in society as an outsider and outcast literally, neurologically hurt, and as I walked home I felt like I'd just fought a bear. Mentally. Or something.

If there was just one person as strange and as lonely as I am, we could both immensely improve each others' lives through mutual understanding. But I suppose it was a bit much expecting to find that in so small of a group.

Where am I supposed to find people like that though? If they even exist at all. More and more I'm dwelling on how what I hope to find - which doesn't even seem all that unreasonable to me - probably can't exist - especially as a potential person for someone my age - because of the vast differences in opportunity for social connection afforded to men and women.

I've lurked around online communities for social anxiety and the like for years now, and the posts by women are so often something like "I'm so awkward, I can't talk to people, I freeze up, I have nothing to say, I can't even leave my bedroom, I'm so lonely and have no friends and I hate it, if it wasn't for my boyfriend I-".

You might say I should talk more with other men. Even if I could easily shrug off the trauma, I just imagine that leading to either frustration at any venting I did being met with unwelcome advice, or maybe it'd just lead to a 'crabs in a bucket' scenario - like with the incel communities - where mutual bemoaning of our loserliness just trapped both of us in a vortex with little chance of escape.



My mum owns a flat she rents out, apparently, and we talked a bit (before the class) about me maybe moving in there if the current tennant - a very old woman - dies or otherwise leaves. If I were able to, then I wouldn't have to deal with strangers or as much uncertainty, but I also wouldn't get accustomed to finding a place of my own on my own.

She mentioned that one of the people living in an adjacent flat is a man who's maybe in his fifties, who lives there alone and holds his head down when passing her in the hallway. Broken, likely miserable.

Is that all I have to look forward to?



There are other things I could try, and should, but I've tried a bunch over the years and they usually end up with me being the weirdo outcast due to factors beyond my control (eg everyone else present is married with children).

I'll probably need to get at least a part time job, or maybe I should start with volunteering, but I see posts every day on the AvPD (and to a lesser extent the social anxiety) subreddits about people giving up jobs in days or weeks because they just end up feeling this constant pain of social exclusion.

Maybe I should just get myself committed to a mental hospital or something, as a patient. I don't even know if that's a joke. But my friend works in one of those, and from the sound of things most of the people there have demons far darker than my own.

I envy those of you who've been lucky enough to find people to share the journey with.

I don't know whether I'll continue with this course. I should at least try the next session, but beyond that... I don't know. We'll see. It'd be like sticking my hand in a fire every week.

One possibility is just dropping out this time but trying again during the next run, which I assume will start around September? That'd be another roll of the dice for who'd show up, at least. But I don't know.

I hate the simmering background pain of isolation. But the pain of direct reminders and comparison hurts on a different level. Like being in the cold versus being engulfed in a fire, maybe.



Also, I saw a post in one of the artist Reddit communities I recently followed by someone expressing negative feelings about how the fans they'd attracted were very different from the sort of people they hoped to attract... ∞ like I kind of did in a recent post ∞.

They were torn to shreds by everyone commenting. I'd likely be seen as similarly terrible were I to put myself out there again.

My pickiness about who I'd want to connect with probably comes across as equally objectionable. It's born from a desire to avoid feeling - or causing - pain, though, rather than some objective condemnation of particular groups' value.