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Counselling Course Conclusion?

10 months ago1,837 words

I had the fifth session of the Counselling Skills course yesterday. I left before it ended, and I'm unsure whether or not to continue with the other 10 sessions.

So that's a disappointment, I suppose.

Also somewhat disappointing is that there was an anxiety meetup group yesterday that I planned to go to, but - after thinking about it for ages - I decided not to bother. Mostly because it'd take an hour on the bus both there and back, lasted for two hours, and then by the time I got back I'd need to go to the class, which all felt like too much considering how rarely I leave my house these days.

I've been to a few anxiety help groups before and imagine it would likely been the same: a dozen or less people sitting in a circle while a counsellor essentially lectures the group about the brain's amygdala (there are two amygdalae, one in each hemisphere, but they always speak as if it's this singular thing because their knowledge of neuroanatomy is likely very shallow), and how it used to protect us from tigers in the caveman days, but we don't have to worry about those threats anymore so now we need to learn how to control it with breathing exercises. Maybe it would have involved eating a raisin mindfully as well. Probably little to no opportunity to interact with anyone else there, and since it was at like noon I expected they'd be mostly retirees anyway (since younger people would be in work).

Maybe had I gone I would have been surprised, but I didn't, so... oh well.



I did go to the Counselling class, though. I arrived early and sat by myself in the corner, and the others came in in pairs or groups and sat together, chatting about their jobs, partners, children, connections they seemed to have formed with one another. Normal stuff, which I can't relate to. Then there was a lecture for like two hours, throughout which I noticed anxiety sensations worse than I've felt in ages.

My mind went over memories of this study about the neurological pain of social exclusion, which I mentioned in a previous post:



And memories of how back in PE back in school, sometimes we'd get into teams, with a leader chosen first, then everyone else would line up and the leaders would take turns picking players for their side. I was always chosen last, with either awkward laughs and frustration in the poor leader's voice. I hated PE, so fair enough - I would have been no use to a team and would rather just not be there - but this was the case in academic projects too. When we got into groups, everyone would team up with their friends, then a few stragglers would gradually be accepted into groups before I was left, often with the teacher telling a group they had to include me, to their barely-restrained disgust. Then they'd talk among one another while ignoring me while I did all the work and got us an A.

I know now that kind of the thing was the result of growing up with poor, fragmented care, severe neglect, but it's frustrating that it's been a lifetime since I escaped that environment but it left its permanent mark on my mind and continues to influence my relationship with the world and others.

During a break, I went and had a short talk with the tutor (while everyone else cheerily chatted among one another) about how I just wasn't fitting in and might just leave. I'd mentioned to him some previous week that I was thinking about it, so this hadn't come out of nowhere, though he did seem disappointed. Empathetic towards my struggles, at least when blatantly presented like this, though I couldn't help but think about how I'd been silently screaming with my body language that I wasn't well and this whole class of counsellors-to-be didn't show any curiosity or concern. Such are people, I suppose.

(One thing he mentioned during the lecture was introspection, and how it was 'so strange' a thing to do, and something others in the class might not really have done before. That he'd speak of it as strange was strange to me. Do 'normal' people just drift through their ordinary lives without wondering constantly about why they do what they do, think how they think?)

He said he'd welcome me back next week if I decided to return, or understand if I decided not to. I said I might try again in future, maybe do some work on my mental health issues in the meantime, though I'm not sure what exactly I even can do at this point.

I'm really not sure whether it's worth going back or not. I could see it as progress towards getting out of my shell, but I end up dreading it all week and feel worse when I'm there, and those feelings only seem to be intensifying rather than fading with practice.

It'd be a different story had I gone there and there'd been someone on a similar wavelength to me who I could have developed some kind of meaningful connection with, who was happy to see me and who I was happy to see. Ultimately it's just luck of the draw whether such a thing comes up or not, and the hand I was dealt this time wasn't favourable, as usual.

I was more fortunate when I got my Psychology bachelor's, and met a couple of like-minded people I quickly developed close connections with in the first week. The issue isn't purely about me being inept; connections are a mutual thing, and both parties have to be receptive and interested.



Speaking of luck, I replied to a post on Reddit yesterday morning and mentioned that I've never been employed and summarised the life events that explain why. I've shared this same story summary a few times, and it tends to be mostly or entirely ignored. This time, my comment got over 100 upvotes and several replies. Right place, right time. Luck. So much is down to that.

People seemed surprisingly supportive and impressed by what I described, and suggested oh-so-practically-realistic things like forming an artists' commune in the real world to connect with like-minded people (which I actually like in theory, though wouldn't have a clue how to do it and know from experience it'd be very stressful due to malicious people).

Someone mentioned they knew gifted game developers who went straight from uni into 200k USD jobs, and had no social or general life skills so they basically had carers to look after their real-world needs. Fascinating to hear - if true - though again I think about luck, finding the right connections, attracting the attention of the right people, living in the right place - likely a big city - where those opportunities would come up at all.

Someone else mentioned (though I already kind of knew this) how neurodivergence is the norm among technicians, programmers, and the like - tech nerds - and how I'd likely find my people among them were I to get a games dev job. It's sad that running Fig Hunter spoiled that for me, though. Now I see those types of people as essentially threatening due to their lack of tact, scoffing at emotional expression, turning everything into some logical debate and all that. I insist I'm not 'techy-minded' to distance myself from it all; instead, I say, I'm a sensitive artist who's far more interested in people than in things like gadgets and tech (which is true).

(I also went to uni twice for games dev but dropped out after a year each time, due to disconnection from my peers, so it's not like I've never tried it.)

But who would be 'my people'? Nerds, artists, and psychologists all tend to be weirdos (tending towards one end of the Openness spectrum), though their other traits set them apart from one another. I like soft, agreeable artists and psychologists, and I feel the people I would get along best with - and have in the past - would be shy, conflict-averse creative people with a deep interest in exploring and understanding their mental health issues... though I don't know where to find them while avoiding the more aggressive ones who'd regard my patheticness with disgust. Or even if I found such people, would they like or want me?

Age is relevant, too. I'll be 36 next week, but I'm still mentally stuck in my late teens or early twenties, since that's the last time I had real-world experience (or at uni when I was 27, my peers were in that age range). What seems like my ideal kind of person is someone who'd likely see me as some creepy old man, and I wish I'd had more life experiences so that ideal would have been reshaped by them instead of remaining so pathetically stagnant.

I don't know. I envy people who've never struggled to find people to connect with in ways they find satisfying and enriching. Who've found partners, friend groups, lived lives.

Every time I find some new creator online, they inevitably mention their partner. Sigh.



I probably need to decide on how I can make enough money to survive, sooner rather than later, though considering how poorly this small, simple Counselling course has gone for me, I seriously doubt I could survive in a normal work environment where I felt I didn't fit in with anyone there.

I've been really enjoying creative work I've been doing recently though - I'm looking forward to sharing more of it - to the point where I wake up excited to do it and resent having to leave the house because I'd rather be doing work.

I joined the Patreon subreddit a while back, and occasionally see posts from there where people speak of making high five-figure yearly salaries from that platform alone. This is suprising to me, since whenever I see a creator (youtubers, artists, etc) mention their Patreon, I check it, and almost all of them have fewer patrons than me (and I don't have that many). More often than not they have zero, even if their creator account has tens of thousands of subscribers.

I have no idea what these successful people do though; I get the impression most of them make niche porn art, usually fetish stuff, often involving furries. I don't want to do that.

I'm planning to ask the community, see if anything they say might give me ideas about how I can do more with that.



I'm quite eager to talk about some creative developments I made this week which may or may not be something I could make and release more regularly. Something I've talked about before that's finally come to fruition. I'll save that until the weekend (unless I get TOO eager and post on my Patreon before then, which is a possibility).