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Emotive Hands, Life Indecisiveness

9 months ago721 words

I'm back to working on stuff again, like animations for Dreamons. Also the same old indecisiveness about where my life is going...

My parents got back a couple of days ago, so I've been freed of being distracted by the needy little dog and can sit at my computer and work again. I am a 36-year-old man. So many other people would have been married and in careers for a decade or more at this point in their lives! Bleh. Oh well.

I had the desire to work on something, so I ended up pouring my creative energy into stuff related to Dreamons. I want to make more scenes ∞ like the one(s) I made at the start of this month ∞, though it bothered me that the models didn't have poseable fingers, since they're so important for emoting. So I gave the three models in the game (woman, man, small) some proper hands.




I'd also previously been working on some silly mood-based idles for the game - which characters would switch between during 'battle' based on any moods they were currently affected by - so I had to edit a bunch of those to accommodate the new fingers. Fun stuff.

I should get around to writing about what that game currently even is at some point, considering I've been treating it as my main game dev project for months now. I've written out a synopsis before, but I think it's been a while.



I thought a lot over the past couple of weeks about what I'm doing with my life, what I can do with my life... though I still don't know.

I suppose the thoughts are the same as I've written about a bunch of times on this blog, nothing new. Still stuck in the same old tangle.

I like making stuff, and have developed skills in that area. I like being my own boss, working on my own ideas rather than stuff for clients or as part of a team who's aiming to appeal to focus groups for profit. I see myself as an ~artist~, and feel grateful for the people who my past work has touched and who see something in me worthy of donating financial support. There are so many things I'd like to make and share. I just wish I could make stuff that didn't take as long as games. I have some ideas for shorter things.

I'm also acutely aware that I'm making peanuts compared to what I could earn from an actual career. I'm also isolated, with no hope of meeting new people if I just sit alone at my computer all day. But I'm old now, so maybe that ship has sailed regardless. I fear the lonely future.

I suppose I've been unfocused for the past year - or two?? - due to those two conflicting things. Knowing I 'should' go out into the world instead of doing this, but...

Well, I suppose the last thing I tried was that counselling course, and it just reminded me of how poorly I function around other people, and how worse I feel from the struggle.

Maybe I just need to be more engaged online. But then I'm still scarred by the trolling in the past. I think it's getting easier? I'm not terrified of posting on Reddit like I once was, at least. But the effects of trauma are still present.

I envy people who have a clear path, or others to walk with so they might have better luck of finding their way out of the woods. Or something.

(Last week I mentioned doing daily video calls with a friend, which helped me feel human again, but those abruptly cut off when other options came up for her.)

Oh well. For now, I just want to focus on this Dreamons thing a bit. While that might be avoiding things I probably should be attending to instead, at least hopefully I can be productive while doing so.