PERSONAL

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2,724

Inappropriate and Incompetent

7 years ago711 words

I feel like I can't do anything right. That even when I try to, I make things even worse.

I've removed the previous posts. I would have done it sooner, but I've been in bed all day, sleeping, because being conscious was unbearable. Waking up felt like being plunged into icy cold water. I didn't want to. I don't want to be conscious now.

The worst part is that I was actually proud of what I wrote (in one of those posts anyway), and I didn't actually want to remove it. I spent a lot of time on it, and reread it multiple times before posting it. I had some doubts, but overall I thought it was a good idea to openly explore things so then I could grow from them; maybe others could even benefit too. I thought that in it, I was showing insight, the ability to see things from different perspectives, to learn rather than to blame. I thought what details I did mention weren't enough to cause any harm. I thought I was doing a good thing.

But even Hitler thought he was doing a good thing...

I'm detached from reality. I spend all my time in my head, rarely speak to anyone in the real world. I lose track of how other people, who are part of the world, might react to things because I so rarely have any point of comparison, anyone to steer me in the right direction. So it's shocking then to, after spending days in solitary, broken-minded contemplation, speak openly about what I think is best only to be told quite clearly that it isn't.

It's why my social issues aren't simply a matter of being 'shy'... I fear speaking to people because I worry I'll say the wrong thing, say something inappropriate. Then when I actually do try to interact, or express myself, I do end up being wildly inappropriate and it just makes other people uncomfortable, or hurts them deeply when that's not what I meant or wanted at all.

I suppose it's like me going around naked everywhere, under the belief that clothes are so full of connotations that to go without them is the best way to treat each other with respect, or something. Sure, I might think that's a good idea, but other people are going to be very uncomfortable about that because that's not how most people have been conditioned to work.

I suppose I felt I could express myself 'nakedly' on this blog because other comments had seemed to admire me for being so open... I felt I was doing more of a good thing, and I (relatively) confidently posted too deeply about my personal life because I thought it'd be okay. But so much for having a safe space to be without a mask... So much for having a tether for my sanity.

I'm not trying to explain my mistakes away. I know I did something wrong, and I hate myself for it. I wish I could disappear, so then I never hurt anyone again. I don't deserve to be around people. I'm a monster.

I'm moving back to university tomorrow, but I can't imagine talking to people. I just want to avoid them all so then I don't hurt people. Plus I'm a complete wreck so I can't imagine making a good impression, or handling a conversation. The bits I dread most are shopping and going to classes, where I can't hide away. Or maybe I'll just hide away anyway, wither away and die. Maybe that'd be best for everyone.

Except I can't even kill myself without hurting people. I feel so trapped...

As for learning from my mistakes, what I always seem to learn is that mistakes are all I'm capable of. I wouldn't mind if those mistakes only cost my own embarrassment. But when someone else is hurt by them, that's when I feel like I never want to make another mistake again. And since I can't do anything but, that's why I want to die. But maybe that would be a mistake too. Either way, I wonder what it's like to be an actual decent human being. I can only imagine, probably wrongly because I'm so trapped in my head.