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Connection and Hope

7 years ago501 words

I just wanted to write a quick update about how things are coming along with my housemates.

I talked quite candidly with a couple of them yesterday, and it seems we're all people who've felt like outsiders, who've felt rejected by others, who've been tormented for being weird and different.

They're more socially confident than me and don't have the anxiety and depression that I do, but I was comfortable enough to talk openly about mine since they'd noticed I had on Facebook anyway, and they knew people who were similarly anxious and reclusive.

I mentioned my website idea, which I'd been wanting to do, and hearing that they knew these other shy people gave me hope that it might genuinely be of use to people. I'll maybe open its doors soon, then... I have to go to the hospital on Wednesday, and I might get bad news... So I'll wait until after that.

I feel like I'm already acquaintances with these people, and it's all because they've openly accepted me from the start. Other, more 'normal' people would be more likely to give me odd looks and keep their distance because my oddness would be social poison; they've their normality to maintain. Or something like that. But knowing what it's like to be an odd one out certainly breeds empathy for others who are the same.

Most of my social failings probably come from not even being given that chance. Once people are willing to listen to me, though, I'm relatively okay.

I wouldn't say I have the spark with either of them, but nor do I feel like there's no chance of getting along with them either. I'd not be averse to getting to know them, going places with them.

For the first time in a long time, I have hope... I feel like I have a safe base to come home to, from which I can attempt to develop connections in other places like at societies. Perhaps I'll finally get to enjoy that feeling of housemates being like family that others have talked about.

There are still three people left to show up though, so I wonder what they'll be like and how it'll affect the dynamics. There are also two Chinese girls here as well who I've barely interacted with; I'm less comfortable around them because of that.

My sleeping times are also a mess and I've been falling asleep in the middle of the day, then waking up at like 1-3am... That means I miss out on things and I've been feeling bad about that. I've also explained it openly though - my social anxiety too - to make it clear it's nothing to do with them or me being rude. I'm making efforts to change my sleeping times, but it's an annoyingly slow process.

So yes. Hope. I don't know where things will go from here, but I certainly feel a whole lot better about things than I did just a few days ago.