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Alienation, Again

7 years ago863 words

I went to the brain hospital again yesterday. I'm also frustrated that most of my housemates are Chinese, like last year.

There's little to say about the hospital trip, really. I went with B the previous few times, but this time I obviously had to go alone. I didn't feel more anxious about that... Just numb, really. Missing her, reminded of her. Frustrated at how everything turned out. Lots of irritation coming up in my mind about how people reacted to my post about things here, wanting to rant about that, but understanding how that really wouldn't be a good idea.

Turns out my brain tumour is essentially the same as it was the last time, and a year ago, so... yes. That's that. Maybe it'll just stay this way forever. The neurosurgeon says it probably will change, but doesn't know whether it'll grow slowly or rapidly because this kind of tumour is just so rare. I don't know how he can be so sure it'll grow at all, then.

Anyway. I wrote last time about feeling hope about my housemates, but I haven't actually seen them in a couple of days. I was at the hospital all day yesterday, and the day before that I just ended up falling asleep at like 5pm and missing out on their evening interactions. It's frustrating, feeling an irresistible urge to sleep so early in the afternoon. I hope to fix my sleeping times soon.

There are five of us so far, two of whom are Chinese, and we're expecting three more... who are also Chinese.

I have nothing against the Chinese, but when you're in a foreign country with a few people from your country, you're going to speak in your shared first language rather than struggling through a language you barely even speak, and you're going to talk about shared cultural concepts for a sense of unity and belonging. It's a wonderful thing, and makes you feel less like an alien in the country you're in. It's how it was when I was in South Korea with a bunch of people from the UK.

I shared with six Chinese students last year, and that's what happened. They talked to one another in Chinese and invited over Chinese friends, and I just felt like an unwelcome alien in my own 'home', with no hope of connecting with them. Their English was also relatively rudimentary, which made conversations beyond the superficial difficult and fraught with misunderstandings on both sides.

Does it seem wrong or bad to you that I'd dislike this kind of situation? I just know that some people will see it that way. As racist or prejudiced or something like that. Because we're all supposed to be inclusive and accepting of everyone all the time and all that.

But I think there's a difference between thinking things like "those [racial slur]s are all the same, what with their [exaggerated racial stereotype]", and just recognising that cultural and language barriers exist and make deeper or meaningful communication difficult or even impossible. You can respect one another and communicate politely, yes, but there's never going to be that easy comfort you'd feel where you didn't have to watch your every word, wondering whether it would be understood.

In my first year at a university - another one, not this one - I shared, apparently by chance, with a bunch of international students who barely spoke English, and we didn't talk to one another. I felt so isolated that I dropped out. Last year, I shared with Chinese students and didn't talk to anyone either. I don't want to feel so deeply, painfully isolated again.

I mean it's different now that there are at least a couple of people I can talk to... But it just feels like such poor luck of the draw, and it burns me up inside. I'm sure they're lovely people and I have nothing against them as individuals, it's just that I feel alienated enough as it is and hoped that maybe this time, just maybe, I'd be able to experience that "my housemates are like my family! :D" thing that some people seemed lucky enough to get. Instead, I imagine the five Chinese people will be glad to be sharing with people they don't have to struggle to talk in English around, while I just end up feeling like I'm scared to venture in the kitchen again. Sigh...

I don't even know if there's anything I can do about it, because to mention it to anyone feels like it'd be misconstrued as racist. "What do you have against the Chinese??" It's not because they're Chinese though; it's because they all have something quite big and important in common that I myself lack. I'd be just as bothered if they were all from Germany, all from the Essex, or all amputees... All able to share stories of mutual familiarities.

Anyway. I've finished that website I built for people with mental health issues. The hard part now is actually mustering up the courage to send out an email about it... I'll just have to hope that I have better luck with that.