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Downs and Ups

7 years ago1,968 words

It was my first day of classes for the third year of university today. It's been a bit of a roller coaster. Crushing, suicidal despair, followed by a twinkling of hope.

I'd been dreading these classes because I knew that B was in at least one of them... I wonder if there's anyone alive who can have a deep relationship with someone, which ends, and they don't feel anxious about being in the same room as that person afterwards? Some people have to work together directly following a 'breakup', and it must be so emotionally difficult. I don't think I could cope.

Anyway. I had two lectures and a public speaking class today. The first was something called Neuropsychology of Vision... and there were like 30 people in it, the vast majority of whom were male. Irritatingly. B wasn't in that one, but I spent the whole hour pretty much suppressing a panic attack because I knew she was in a lecture directly afterwards, in the same room. By which I mean that when my lecture ended and people left, I'd stay in and people from the next class would come in, including her.

That's what happened, and I looked at her expectantly as she walked in... while she just blanked me. It seemed like she sat with some other guy (someone I vaguely know actually, who definitely seems more well-adjusted than I am), while I sat alone and talked to nobody. I spent the whole two hours thinking that this was it, the scenario for the next few months... Me being alone, her having replaced me. I felt like I was in a black cocoon; like the lecturer talking was muffled, the sights around me faded into the distance, into irrelevance. I must have looked like I was about to die, or was already dead. Nobody cared, of course. Why would they?

I wanted to die. I thought about dying. This all seems so ridiculous, probably, so much like an overreaction typical of teenage angst... A not-even-romantic relationship ending. Not something an ostensibly grown man should get upset about to the point of wanting to end his life.

But it was more than just "boohoo, she left me, how can I live now??"... It was - is - more like a reminder that my story is a tragedy, that I'm always isolated, that I'm some social leper who only brings harm and who'd be better off dead so then I didn't have to hurt anyone ever again.

I left at the end, numb, and walked to a nearby pier, wrote a moody Facebook status (I only ever seem to update my mostly-dead account when I have something miserable to say), and rang a suicide hotline.

In the post, I wrote about how mental illness feels like being surrounded by a swarm of bees... How others are repelled by you because they don't want to be stung, how you're blinded to the world by their bodies and their buzzing, how the constant stings have drained you so much that you can't swat them away yourself, and you desperately want someone else to help you with that... And how when you're at your worst, when the bee swarm is biggest, that's when you most need help but when people are least likely to want to be around you.

That is how it feels. How it felt, knowing that all my mistakes - ultimately rooted in mental illness, and the life experience I've failed to acquire because of that - drove away the person I cared most about, made her avoid me when I most needed a friend.

The suicide hotline didn't really help. I just rambled at what was probably an old lady, and she listened politely and everything, but it just made it clear that there wasn't really anything that could be done about my situation. That I'm in a terrible place and there's no magic wand that can be waved to magically make things better. Maybe I should just end it all, I thought. It'd be an absurd thought if it came out of the blue, but it feels like I'm living on borrowed time as it is... Like I already decided to kill myself a while ago and this was this life's 'one last chance', which didn't work out.

Surprisingly though, I got a message from one of my housemates asking me how my classes had gone. I didn't lie, but nor did I blurt everything out; I essentially said "badly, but I don't want to inflict that on you". She seemed willing to talk anyway and told me to come back home for a bit, so I did...

She and my other housemate did seem more understanding and empathetic than most people might be, though it was still obvious that despite what they said, it's hard to actually talk about something like depression at length. For other people who aren't going through it, I mean; I could ramble about it all day. Or maybe it's just that there were three of us; it seems it's much easier to talk about things like this when it's just one on one.

It helped a bit, and I sat with them, moodily, saying little... I still wanted to die though. I still had a public speaking class thing to go to though, so I went hopelessly to that. I could always kill myself afterwards, I thought. It'd be awkward to do it now.

But it actually didn't go too badly! We have these public speaking classes every semester, and they're a random bunch of people each time. Last semester, my class was awful, from my perspective. It was a bunch of 'normal' girls who clicked really easily and talked freely with one another, and the person running it - it's always another student - was nice and everything... but wasn't exactly considerate of my mental illness. Which led to unpleasantness... I didn't talk to anyone in that class, and ended up feeling like a solitary weirdo, unwelcome.

This time, though, I actually did talk with two new people, both from third year; a girl and a guy. It was me who struck up the conversations, too. I'm not sure, but I got the impression that the guy was a bit older and maybe had anxiety issues; I felt like I'd actually want to talk to him rather than being intimidated or repulsed. The girl said she recognised me, because I was always with 'that girl'. I said that I'm not anymore, and she seemed genuinely upset by it and said I'd probably be able to talk things through with her and basically win her back. I said it was interesting how she noticed I was with that girl (B, of course), and she said "I think everyone did". Such mixed feelings about that... A sense of I suppose pride at knowing our connection was so visible to others, and of course a deep and tragic sense of loss and wrongness that it's fallen apart, and how there's probably nothing I can do about that...

I didn't get to talk much with either of those people due to the nature of the class, but I actually felt a buzz afterwards just because it gave me the hope of potential connection. I don't know if it'll go anywhere, but that's not the point, I suppose; it's more about the idea that I can connect with others and I'm probably not as socially inept as I think, if actually given the chance to interact.

I also talked with my (male) housemate at length when I got back; it's a welcome change from being too scared to go into the kitchen to get food. It sounds like he's been through things like anxiety and loneliness himself, but he's very much evolved beyond that now and I think he comes across as quite confident, in a nice kind of way. I find it impressive. It was nice talking to him, and very welcome due to the aversion towards other guys that has limited my connections for many years. I suppose all I needed were decent connections to show that they can exist for me.

All this mental weather is temporary, of course... I'm feeling 'okay' right now, but I'm sure I'll be drowning in deep despair again before long, especially since I have another lecture with B tomorrow and don't have anyone to sit with in any classes.

But I don't know. Maybe new connections can be made. Having a rare 'success' in this public speaking class gives me hope of that... and I still have that site, which I might release tomorrow. I meant to do it today... but all this got in the way, and I'm going to just go to sleep soon.

One thing I do want to comment about though is the luck of the draw, and how frustrating that is. How much of what we achieve in life comes down to the random flow of environmental events around us. I wanted to talk to B during the break of the lecture, for example, or afterwards, but there were people sitting in my row so I'd have had to barge past a bunch of them to do that, which I didn't want to do; she also talked with people, it seemed, while waiting outside, while I was already in there from the previous lecture and missed out on that. Plus there are all the things like the groups in my halls of residence, my public speaking classes... Only being able to talk to the two people I spoke to in the one today because they happened to come in before anyone else did, before class began. So little of what comes to us is within our control... and it feels so frustrating.

Another thing is how the people I've talked to about B seem to see her as quite a toxic person, as a result of what biased scraps of information I've fed them. They tell me she's obviously a 'bitch' who they're glad is out of my life. They don't get to see all the wonderful things that drew me to her, that hurt me knowing they're not a part of my life anymore. This isn't intentional, and I've commented that she has many redeeming traits when they say - supportively - that she sounds like someone I'm better off without. I get the feeling that she's told other people about me, and they've 'realised' from what she's said to them that I'm obviously toxic and she's way better off without me... I just find it interesting how that goes both ways, how people who are comforting you are hardly going to say "no, that seems reasonable of the person you're obviously deeply upset at, you shouldn't be annoyed at them"; they're going to side with you, tell you what that person did was obviously out of line. Then you're going to end up with a warped opinion that supports whatever emotions you have about that person. It feels unfair... Like minor mistakes can snowball into deal-breakers due to this kind of dark encouragement. It's something I'm eager to correct since I know she's a good person... But I wonder whether she enjoys hearing other people agree that I'm not a good person because it reinforces how she already feels. A painful thought...

But I shouldn't dwell on all that. I'll just try to enjoy this rare glimpse of hope before it fades into the swallowing dark pit like everything else does...

(Normally I'd edit these posts after a few days, but I want to post this on the day it's relevant so I'll have to just post it in this rough form...! Sorry if any bits are incoherent.)