PERSONAL

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3,300

Less than the Best

7 years ago1,123 words

The idea of having to 'settle' for someone I don't have a spark of chemistry with seems worse to me than death.

While I must reluctantly accept that the chapter of my life where B was the star is over, it's a very tough pill to swallow because she was the only thing in the world that actually made me excited. The thought of spending time with her was always something to look forward to, and without that, I really have nothing at all to look forward to.

It isn't right to pin all your emotional satisfaction to one external thing, because everything changes or leaves at some point. I do know that. But it's also not really a choice. I can't effectively force myself to get that same genuine enjoyment out of things which lack that spark.

I can talk to my two housemates, but I don't really get pleasure out of it. It isn't that it's bad... but it isn't exciting like talking to B always was, so it feels like a thing to endure through until I can be alone at my computer again. While I always looked forward to seeing B, I dread being asked to spend time with my housemates, as I did with the people I knew back in school. Being solitary is always more comfortable for me than social interaction, unless that spark is there, in which case being with that person one-on-one is thousands of times better than being alone.

I wonder whether other people feel like this, but just get used to the sparkless interactions? Or do they get sparks from more people, most people? Or maybe it's like the difference between eating chocolate and vegetables, and while the latter lacks the sugary raw appeal of the former, if you eat vegetables all the time then you come to crave them in the same way. Hmm.

I wonder how many people are genuinely in love with their partners, and how many want to believe that they are so then they don't have to be alone. Or maybe most people have a much looser definition of what constitutes a meaningful and exciting connection than I do. Probably.

I look around at the people I pass by, or share classes with, and see none I'm drawn to in the way I was immediately drawn to B. I feel like I had the 'best catch' on my course - intelligent, compassionate, shared my mental illnesses, outlooks, some interests, and physically attractive to me too - and now anything else is going to be a step down from that. And that's the thought that's tearing me apart the most, I think. The thought that I had the best, and lost it, so now I have to reluctantly settle for the rest.

I was going to use some metaphor or another to describe the feeling - moving from a mansion to a smaller house came to mind - but I feel that social bonds are more weighty, more significant, so there's nothing that can really compare.

Buddhist teachings focus on finding peace by ridding ourselves of these kinds of attachments, of expectations that the external world can please us, because it can't... And I see the value in that. But smoothing out both the valleys and the mountains from our mood waves, to be left with some peaceful but bland flat plane, seems a horrendous, lifeless thing to me. I did once have a 'spiritual awakening' and enjoyed the contentedness the meditative life offers, but its pleasures are nothing compared to the electric thrill of being with someone you're (not necessarily romantically) attracted to.

I'm desperate to regain what I've lost, but as of yet I've had no luck finding anyone I really click with. I know it's only been a few days, but I feel they're the key days when there's social flux that'll soon crystallise into established pairs and groups. I'll hold on for a bit longer in the hope that I can find someone, but it's like being lost in the ocean, longing for a boat that's gone. Feels like there's only so long I can flounder before just sinking into the abyss.



The website that I set up for students who struggle with mental health issues hasn't got going yet, because I've emailed someone about whether I can send the mass email and have yet to receive a reply.

I talked with a counsellor about it yesterday, and she crossed her arms at the idea, seemed concerned about 'health and safety' and it not being overseen by some kind of trusted organisation.

It's frustrating, because those who want to help the mentally ill, like angels up on high, who don't have the issues themselves, treat them as if they're these delicate, fragile little flowers who need constant care and protection... And maybe some people do feel so vulnerable that they appreciate that? To me, though, it just creates this patronising atmosphere that makes me feel like a poor patient, someone to be quarantined. It's a massively different feeling than the casual sense of belonging you'd get if you joined a society.

The counsellor told me that the university is in the process of purchasing (?) the site Big White Wall (or a part of it or something?), which I've actually been linked to before. She spoke as if that would provide what my site would; that what I'd made would be unnecessary because of it.

But I disagree. Big White Wall is a good idea... but it has that clinical feel to it that so many mental health support places have, where it feels like you're all sitting around in a circle in a 'safe room' taking turns politely expressing your feelings and such. Perhaps that's what some people want... but I don't feel it's all that conducive to making actual friendships. It's more like something you'd do aside from your regular social circle, without telling them; a second life you'd occasionally live to augment the first. It feels like an asylum.

But if you don't have connections already, if you have no first life to augment, what then? I'd want my site to be somewhere where people could actually make friends, rather than someone they went to vent away from their friends.

But sigh, I don't know. Maybe it'll not get running at all because I'm the only one that would want something like this, and everyone else actually does want those clinical places that seem to be the norm for this kind of thing... Maybe this attempt to help myself and others will turn into yet another failure, another nail in the coffin.

I suppose all I can do is wait and see...