Alora Fane

We should sympathise with victims of mistreatment. They've been through a lot and need love and care. But what of the pain the monsters feel? Who's there to care for them? Or should they just be slain?

I got this message from B a few minutes ago (and probably shouldn't be writing about it in my emotional state, but I have nobody to talk to and no other form of release):

Hello, I'm going to block you on here now and if you try and talk to me again and make me feel uncomfortable I will be calling security

Here's the context as I understand it:

On Tuesday (it's Thursday now), we had a lecture together. I saw her waiting outside alone, and desperately wanted to apologise for my mistakes and hopefully soothe both of our pain by talking things through, so I (while pretty much having a panic attack) approached her. She mouthed "please don't"... so I left before saying a word, defeated.

I went and sat in the lecture, and saw her come in with a mutual acquaintance of ours (I'll call her S). I felt hurt by that - like she'd 'stolen' S from me, in a way - though that's not fair because B must have reached out to S in a way that I didn't (the main reason I didn't was because I was having such a rough time that I didn't want to drag her into my swarm of bees). So it's not like B was doing anything wrong, and I don't want to suggest that she was.

I knew B really didn't want me to approach her... but I really did want to work through things. I meant her no harm, and I only wanted to reduce some of the harm that was already there for both of us.

So - knowing I wasn't doing a good thing, but feeling it would be for the greater good - I intended to approach the pair of them at the start of the lecture, to say "can I talk to one or both of you at some point?", then to leave and sit as far away from them as I could. I chickened out half way though and ended up sitting for an hour just a couple of rows behind them, literally shaking with anxiety the whole time (while they seemed to be chatting cheerily)... I did approach them for like five seconds at the end, said to the S that I wanted to talk, and she said to message her later about it and they fled.

S seemed scared by me, which made me feel terrible; I wondered what B had said. I did end up messaging S later though, and we met up briefly and talked a bit.

B hadn't said much to S other than that we aren't friends anymore; I suppose while I try to speak to people about these things to make sense of them and make them right if I can, her reaction is to push them down, keep them private? I suppose that's the more well-adjusted thing to do. The thing you're probably going to tell me I should do too; I shouldn't write about it here because that's wrong, that kind of thing. I talked amicably enough with S (and she didn't seem scared of me at all in this context), but she said that since B didn't want to talk, all I could do is leave her alone.

I came home, and decided to both do exactly that and the opposite... By which I mean that I sent this to B:

There's a journal club thing tomorrow, and I wanted to go... but I also don't want to make you uncomfortable if you'll be there.

I get that you're not my friend anymore... It tears me apart, but I get it. It's not that I expect that to magically change by talking. But I wanted to talk because I wanted to at least get to a point where we could say yes, okay, we'll go our separate ways then, and I could actually go to classes or outside or to things like that journal club tomorrow without having constant panic attacks. We could say 'hello' if we passed each other, maybe even ask each other about shared work stuff, without any of the friendship or emotional stuff. That's the place I wanted to get to. It's awful, feeling like a monster.

But I know you want me to stay away... I'm just sorry for trying to push it to get to that position. I sat behind you today not because I intend to make a habit of that (I'll leave you alone), but because I just wanted to approach you at the end and ask if we could talk at some point (I was going to ask you at the start then move further away, but chickened out before I got to you). I know you don't want to talk... but I *do* want to and it feels like I'm having to bear the weight of everything all alone, without support, so then you don't have to endure a moment of anxiety as a result of me. I don't want you to experience anxiety either... I just don't want to be overwhelmed by it myself, and I am.
But I know that's not your concern anymore... I have to find my own ways to cope, somehow.

You had a long time to plan ending things with me, so I suppose it's like... you removed a dagger from yourself, slowly, controlling the blood flow as it came out. But I just had a dagger pulled out quickly so blood has been splurting everywhere and I've been in a panic. Or something. So I'm sorry about messaging you like this and not just respecting your decision and keeping my distance... I've just been in a frenzy because blood is squirting everywhere and I'm desperate to find anything to make it stop. Metaphorically.

Anyway... I won't bother you again. I'm sorry for taking this all so badly, and for only prolonging what must already be a painful thing by not just, uh, disappearing when you wanted me to. It's just awful to lose a good friend because of something that's definitely your fault... You want to do anything you can do then they won't think so badly of you, so then you can begin feeling less badly about yourself. I wonder how other people cope with this... I suppose they have more experience than I do. I'm not used to having good friends, let alone losing them.

Anyway. I just needed some closure, and since you aren't going to talk, I felt that sending this one last message might be for the greater good even if it hurts, especially since I worried that you thought I might keep pestering or stalking you or something. I won't.

It would have been nice to have been on amicable terms... so if one day you want that, I'll be open to it. For now, I'll assume you don't, and keep my distance.

Sorry again for all this.

Without communication, all pain can do is fester. With communication, perhaps it's possible to part on better terms. Or at least that's what I thought when writing and sending that.

It frustrates me, though, this whole situation. It feels deeply unfair. I'm aware that I've made mistakes and don't deny that, but I was trying my hardest to do what I could to make up for them, to heal the wounds I'd caused. She made no efforts to alleviate my suffering though.

I think I may have written about this metaphor already, but it feels like I was drifting in the ocean alone for a long time... And a couple of years ago I came across her, in a boat, and we gripped each other's arms. I was still in the sea, but had support now, a chance to rest and heal... But I suppose all I was doing was dragging her down. So she let go, returned to her boat, wet... and I fell back into the water, flailing around. Terrified, I scrambled at the sides of that boat, and was pushed away, threatened even with guns; she doesn't want to get wet, you see.

One of my housemates was quoting to me from a conversation she was a part of, a message she'd just got. "[some name] is such a bitch! She walked into the seminar acting like she's all that but she aiiiiin't". Casual barbs, put downs, aggression; I suppose that kind of thing is really common? I feel like what I'm doing is nothing like that.

Think of all the things I could have said, all the names I could have called her. I could have made no efforts to understand, I could have blamed her, badmouthed her to others, put the fault entirely on her, refused even to say sorry.

But maybe what I'm doing is no better? Maybe I should have just sunk into the murky depths so then she didn't have to get wet. Who cares if I soak, as long as she doesn't get wet. What does it matter what pain I'm going through - without the support she has - because her comfort is of the utmost importance. I'm the monster. I should be slain. Or I should retreat into my cave and never bother anyone again.

I feel like it'd be wrong to make friends knowing this is what happens when I grow close to someone... I feel so toxic, like such a poison.

But sigh... Some people just need space. I get that... even though she always got annoyed at me for using avoidance coping, but she's doing exactly that now. I don't know what she's going through... I can't know.

I'm just imagining people telling me that I should have just kept my distance, given her space, as if it's the most obvious and easy thing in the world. Why though am I the villain for not giving her that, while it's fine that she didn't give me the resolution I needed? Why does what I want - need - not matter? Why do I have to be the one to somehow cope with all this alone? I'm not the one with the loving partner to go home to every night.

Perhaps drama like this is common for a lot of people... I'm not used to it. I probably don't know what I'm doing. That's true of life in general, for me. I never knew what I was doing.

Again, I'm venting here because I'm a mess and I have nowhere else to turn. I don't want to demonise her. I know she's suffering too. I just wish she didn't demonise me.

I just hope she has people supporting her through this, and she can find healing sooner rather than later.

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