PERSONAL

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Dear Diary...

9 years ago1,659 words

Though I made this site with the intention of writing about various psychological struggles and how they might be overcome, I also planned to use it as a diary of sorts, so I'm going to use this post to basically just ramble about recent personal stuff for the sake of catharsis!

It's now the weekend of the first week back at uni. For the three weeks before this, it was the Easter break... during which I planned to do so many things, but did so few because I was too busy being emotionally distressed!

(I've talked about a lot of this stuff elsewhere, including other posts here, though it helps me to write it out again, and since the whole point of this blog is to improve my own mental health...)

I've made only two friends here at university, who I met in the first week. More than I'd had in years, though, so I'm not complaining. I'm closer to one than the other, but I got too close, especially since she has a partner already. I'm not the sort who'd try to steal someone away from the one they love for selfish reasons; it's just that I've gone about five years without love in my life, and I spent my early years surrounded entirely by males... So this particular deep, platonic bond with someone I have good chemistry with and am sexually compatible with was bound to bring about certain ideas. It's just biology, at the heart of it. Passing on our genes is the reason we exist, from a biological perspective, and our minds are wired in such a way as to pursue that.

Anyway, I kept those feelings to myself since she's not single... until the last week before the Easter break, during which I hinted at them, though in an "I know it would never work out" kind of way. Nothing happened immediately; she didn't act any differently around me or anything. We talked about keeping in touch during the three-week break, since I'd be alone and she was going home to her family.

I didn't hear from her during the first week, though, and I tend not to start conversations because I worry about being an unwelcome bother... I couldn't concentrate on studying or my games development work because I was worried something might have happened; that maybe I'd lost the most interesting real-life person I'd met in a long, long time. When I finally did contact her, I discovered that she'd stumbled upon a not-private-enough diary of mine which contained thoughts about her, how I felt about her, and she'd been avoiding me because she didn't want to address it.

She told me outright and in no uncertain terms that we'd never be more than friends, and... well. There I was, all alone for another two weeks, heart broken, nobody else to really turn to... I just ended up lying in bed sulking for days.

I devoted attention to this blog and to sites like Blahtherapy and some feelings-venting apps in the hope of easing my heart or forming new connections, but I wasn't thinking right at all - too anxious and depressed - so I feel that a lot of things that I wrote were tainted by that.

I did eventually hear from her before the Easter break was over, and we've talked a lot since then and we're still very much friends, to my great relief. If anything, we might have become even closer, though I never feel confident saying things like that just in case the feeling isn't mutual despite all evidence! I spent the whole week focusing on academic work and on her, so I wasn't able to get anything done other than that.

Now that it's the weekend and that inner storm has subsided, I'm left feeling regretful about neglecting my creative work in favour of seeking some kind of mental stability. I'd like to say that my experiences are providing inspiration (because they really are) and that I can't work anyway when my mind's consumed by depression and anxiety (which is true), but it feels like excuses.

I've been worrying a lot recently about what I'm actually going to do with my life. We've had lectures about employability, about skills we need for jobs, the interview process, etc, and I reflect on the fact that I'm as old as I am and yet have never had formal employment, and what that means for me.

"Excellent communication skills" seem to be necessary for all forms of employment, or so we've been told, which worries me since my own communication skills have been ravaged from years of isolation. Not that they were ever any good to begin with! I pride myself on being compassionate, empathetic, considerate, things like that, but certain evidence suggests I'm delusional, or rather failing to be what I wish I was. People on my old website(s) were often scared of me, I'd start arguments, I'd say hurtful things without meaning to...

My friend and I went to some workshop thing the other day. There were only a handful of students in attendance, and we just sat in chairs while the counselor running the thing talked at us and occasionally asked for feedback, which was mostly met with silence. Though my friend and I are both anxious, we both spoke up a few times, and I felt proud for both of us... However, I found out the next day that she was actually embarrassed by some of the things I said because they were apparently rude and not the sort of things that normal people - conditioned by the real world by spending their lives in it - would say.

It hurt, because I'm well aware that my isolation has left its scars, but I thought I was doing better than I apparently am. It's not that I thought every word I said was appropriate and right; I seem so eloquent and intelligent in my head, but when I open my mouth to voice my thoughts, nonsense often pours out and I cringe about it afterwards. "Agh, why did I say that??". I know that this is a part of the human condition, something that happens to everyone, but while it seems to be an occasional embarrassment for most, it's every interaction for me.

It's not that I'm autistic or inconsiderate or anything. I'm just inept, in the sense that I've not had the time to practise that others have had. I wish there was somewhere I could go to practise social skills on fake people who wouldn't judge or remember me for my failings, so then I didn't have to make costly mistakes during these delayed forays into human society.

Notably, I resented her at first for hurting my feelings by pointing that out... and in the past it would have ended there; I'd have sulked and probably acted irritated at her for a while afterwards. This time, though, I tried to challenge my own thoughts and feelings, to transmute them into something that would bring pleasure rather than misery to us both. I saw her 'criticism' - which was never meant maliciously anyway - as something to be grateful for; she was only trying to help me become a better person. And I do want to be a better person, so I appreciate having a friend like her. It's sad that it's taken me years to redirect my thoughts like this, but I suppose it's better late than never... Besides, some people never get to this point at all, or so I try to tell myself.

I wonder though how many people do have 'excellent communication skills'. From a look around the world around me, it doesn't seem to be the majority. And yet all jobs demand them? I suppose it's all relative. I have a tendency to assume perfection, and that anything that falls short of that is inadequate. So I interpret 'excellent communication skills' as perfect communication skills, godly, flawless, and since I'm not at that point, a part of me despairs about forever being unable to find meaningful employment.

Speaking of which, I saw ∞ this article ∞ earlier, where a person talks about how his job is accumulating and selling virtual gold in World of Warcraft, and how he works from 9am until 9pm every day just to scrape by. He's sacrificed his whole life for a tedious, non-stop grind because he doesn't have a choice.

It made me aware that I rarely worry about money... It's not that I'm rich or anything, or that I'm earning enough money to get by at the moment. I suppose I've just always been 'lucky' enough (since age 13, anyway) to be supported by my parents, never pushed to make my own income, to pay my own bills... This worries me though and I wish it were different; I feel I've failed to develop necessary survival skills or contacts and I'll be doomed once I actually do have to get out there and worry about paying my own bills without the support from others.

I'm making money from one of my websites, from some generous people on Patreon, and from my games... But all of those things combined add up to an income that's below the poverty line, to years of savings that fall far short of the average yearly wage, and it scares me. Makes me feel like I need to work on my games more. It's not right or fair that I'm wasting my time wallowing in my mental messes while the world goes on and my creative progress doesn't.

Anyway. I feel I've been improving mentally over the last few days, so hopefully I'll be able to return to my work with a refreshed state of mind. I also hope to write some other posts here that aren't as self-indulgently useless!