Here's some rambling about the technicalities of how I create game animations that you probably don't understand or care about!! Also, I have a protagonist and story mostly sorted out now. READ MORE
I did a lot of stuff on this Dreamons project this week! Now you can collect summonable allies and alter your own appearance whenever you want from the menu. READ MORE
I got back to this side project last week! Now I'm planning to focus it around an 'evil' council not unlike MARDEK's Governance de Magi. Also, Unity bug and counselling-related awkwardness. READ MORE
For the second week in a row, this post's mostly just an excuse about how I've not achieved what I wanted to this week, due to general mental illness exacerbated by several situational stressors. Bleh. READ MORE
I intended to post a Weekly Update today... but haven't yet finished what I wanted to do before it, largely due to a distracting feeling of pressure on the top of my head which has been a source of concern and anxiety for years. I think I've finally come to a realisation about what's causing it, though!! READ MORE
I did very little this week - other than compile a list of tasks based on feedback from testers of the third alpha run of Atonal Dreams - because I had another MRI scan to check if my brain cancer has returned! READ MORE
I announced the start of the third alpha test of Atonal Dreams on Monday... but so far only one person has provided feedback. It's discouraging, but I blame myself! READ MORE
Gasp! I'm ready to start the next Atonal Dreams alpha test next week! Also I've maybe revised Alora Fane's logo and cosmology a bit? And a brief look at another 'solo' dev's Kickstarter, which evoked very mixed feelings in me... READ MORE
I've made some decent progress this week towards FINALLY moving beyond the nightmare intro and combining that with the tutorial island I already mostly made months ago. I've changed a lot with the game's fundamental mechanics since I last worked with it though, so I'm having to clean up a whole lot of stuff to get it all working. Let's look at some screenshots! READ MORE
I'm taking maybe a couple of weeks off Atonal Dreams to do some other stuff, like brainstorming other game ideas or trying to break out of my mental cocoon to socialise online in some small way... READ MORE
I finally heard back about how the brain scan I had like three weeks ago went. It found nothing to be concerned about, which is a huge relief! READ MORE
I updated the website this week; I'll need to put Atonal Dreams on Steam next week, though I also have my next brain scan on Wednesday. This week's album contains some tracks I don't think I've ever released anywhere before! READ MORE
I've not done anything on Atonal Dreams again this week because I've been ill, still! I did manage to add another album to the archive I've been building; I even drew some new art for it. READ MORE
Another extremely disturbed night last night; insomnia waking me into a vortex of frantic fretting about shifting symptoms that led to me pacing around my kitchen for an hour at 2am... So I'm writing about it again to hopefully find some relief. READ MORE
I'm still dealing with this anxiety, and writing about it seems to help, so here's another post in this little series about my broken brain! Yesterday I was seriously worrying about my sanity after seeing in my phone's history that I made a couple of calls in late November 2020 that I have absolutely no recollection of and might have made while asleep?? READ MORE
I've always thought of 'hypochondria' as just a dismissal of anything serious, though it's a real condition in itself which is probably responsible for what I've been going through lately... READ MORE
I've been having a lot of distracting headaches recently, and I'm not sure whether they're due to anxiety/depression or my brain condition... (EDIT: I just talked on the phone with a hospital nurse...) READ MORE
It was my birthday on the 25th, and I had a COVID-19 vaccine on the 27th, so I want to acknowledge those in a post! Also, interesting how Pokemon have decided to tackle their Sinnoh remakes, in a way that should please both those open to new ideas and those hungry for the nostalgically familiar. READ MORE
I took half of last week off development, and intended to get back to it mentally refreshed at the start of this week. I'm definitely not mentally refreshed though! READ MORE
My site went down, again! Very annoying!! It's back now (obviously), but I don't even know if the issue is fixed, so I still need to do some work there. MARDEK's waiting on review, but that's taking time too! READ MORE
While the world's being thrown into chaos by a virus, I've been worried about having to play with a dog. You know, one of those animal things with some ears and a few legs, like three or five or something like that. They make noises and breathe oxygen, I think. Also, my brain might be breaking again, but I hope not!!!!! READ MORE
I'm thinking of writing posts here on a weekly schedule; "Weekly Updates", like I used to do a billion years ago. I'll post two at a time, one personal, one about that week's development progress. Here's this week's personal one, where I wonder whether my too-frequent tiredness is due to my pineal gland being cut out, and whether that'll interfere with my ability to have lucid dreams... There's also a bit about politics, because that's always a good idea! READ MORE
Exactly one year ago, I had major surgery on my brain to remove (most of) the tumour at its core. I'm still alive, but the significance of the date makes me reflective about what's happened - or hasn't - since then... READ MORE
I went to the BRAIN CANCER HOSPITAL today, for the first time since just after radiotherapy. My scan looked fine (that is, there were no shocking changes since the last one), which is a relief. I also found out a bit about why I'm so often fatigued. READ MORE
My friend from university came over yesterday, which was the first time I've had a proper, prolonged social interaction with someone who wasn't a medical professional or my parents since the brain surgery. It was fine, but I was definitely aware of how all the treatment has affected me, and today I feel completely exhausted. READ MORE
Finally! Also some rambling about the procedure I had to go through, and some thoughts I've been having while lying ill in bed about the fragmented nature of the mental self... or something. I'm quite out of it at the moment. READ MORE
Radiotherapy's almost over, and I'm currently tired and ill. I got a Mac and can test games on my phone now! But I haven't made much progress beyond that due to feeling so lousy. Still, 'not much' progress is not none! READ MORE
So, now that the 2018th year since our Lord Jesus Christ hatched from his egg is gasping out its final breaths, I feel the compulsion to have a look at exactly how I've wasted this period of my life that I'll never get back. I graduated from university (and made it through alive, to my surprise), I had brain surgery for a cancerous tumour (and made it through alive, to my surprise), and I did a bunch of creative stuff but never actually finished or released anything (and made it through alive, to the absolute shock of everyone). That's... something? READ MORE
I've been wondering whether to set several short games in a shared world, with these 'sindrel' creatures as characters. I've set a new short game idea in this world, which I conceived of then started building a couple of days ago, and it's almost done already. I like playing it again and again, too, so that's good! Maybe I'm getting somewhere... READ MORE
Radiotherapy's getting easier, though it's still leaving me tired. And I've been trying to work on this associative memory game idea, but I'm unsure how to go about it; there are some fairly severe barriers in the way! READ MORE
As much as I'd rather not, I wonder whether I should try making some short, simple apps in the hope of earning money, which I could then use as a place of stability so then I might be able to work on my passion projects with less worry... READ MORE
I had my first radiotherapy session today. I've not produced anything yet though! Seems likely that my future will be determined by my Avoidant Personality Disorder... READ MORE
I know I vent about my personal problems on this personal blog a lot, but it always helps to get them out rather than just keeping them to myself. Brain cancer and loneliness are the biggest things at the moment, still, though I'm coping gradually with each of them. Still, I'd rather just start working on a game! READ MORE
It's been more than a month since I had brain surgery, and I was gradually recovering... but I seem to have taken a turn for the worse in the last week or two or however long it's actually been. READ MORE
I feel terrible still, but here's some disjointed rambling about my upcoming radiotherapy, the previous post's comments, Toby Fox, and ideas for a game I might make about a consciousness researcher exploring the afterlife. READ MORE
I had major brain surgery last Tuesday. It's now the following Tuesday, and I'm... well, I'm feeling terrible, but I'm still - remarkably - here. READ MORE
I spent a few hours with a friend from university on Tuesday - the first meaningful human contact I've had in months - which was nice. But I haven't talked to the neighbour I talked about in the previous post. READ MORE
I'll be having brain surgery a week from now, and it's been difficult to focus with that weighing on my mind. Here's a bit about that, my plans for what I'll post over these next few days, and a bit about the manosphere stuff to follow the previous post. READ MORE
I've not been achieving as much as I'd like recently, and it's bothering me. I want to write about the reasons why here, in the hope that it might help me get back on track. READ MORE
I saw the neurosurgeon again on Wednesday, and I decided to have surgery at the start of September, in about six weeks. Here's what I want to try to achieve in that limited time... READ MORE
It can be frustrating dealing with someone with depression, especially when attempts to 'make them happy' aren't magically and permanently effective. I do understand that. I've read the comments on the previous post, and want to respond in this post. READ MORE
I've felt for a while now that I was in some kind of sunset period of my story; that my life was nearing its end. That end - which will likely be self-inflicted - feels closer than ever, but is that such a bad thing? READ MORE
It's been a relatively eventful week, the last for probably a while... I went for another checkup about my brain tumour, and also tried facing some weird fears... which put a lot of things into perspective and made me aware of how small and distorted my psychological bubble has become lately (and how valuable relationships are, again). READ MORE
I went to the neurology hospital again yesterday. So that was fun. Here's what my brain looks like! (It's the one on the right.) Not morbid at all!! READ MORE
I haven't updated this thing in a while. I'm not dead. Yet. Though I still often feel as if I'd rather be, or if I already am in some sense. I mourn the apparent death of my once vibrant and fulfilling creativity in particular. A shame about that. Anyway, in the last few weeks I've been depressed - as usual - though I've also had enough tastes of actual happiness to motivate me to seek out paths to a better place. I feel I've also come to some realisations about the root of most of my psychological problems. Now that I've finished the rather draining academic assignments that have been eating up almost all my time recently, I'd like to write about everything here for my own benefit; it does seem to help to get it all out. READ MORE
My previously asymptomatic brain tumour is now symptomatic, after having a conversation about it with the neurologist and dwelling on it without distraction for days. I strongly suspect psychosomatic symptoms rather than literal, physiological growth of the tumour manifesting 'real' symptoms, yet having that belief on the conscious surface of my mind apparently isn't enough to dispel the worrying sensations. READ MORE
After weeks of waiting, depressed and hopeless, bracing myself to hear that my brain tumour would mean the end of my life as I know it in some way or another, I've finally found out what's going on with it and... well, it's a relief! It's not great news, as such, but it's better than the worst-case-scenarios I've been envisioning for ages. READ MORE
I went to the hospital today to talk about the test results of the biopsy on my brain tumour... though my mind's been elsewhere lately. Can I change what I am? Do I even want to? READ MORE
I'm trying to distract myself from my brain by working on games, as that's really all I've known for the past few years. Uncertain of which of my various projects to direct my attention towards, I found myself drawn to one called Cultivate, where you design and look after little humans whose variable appearances are generated purely by code. While I should be adding features in order to make it into a playable game, instead I seem to spend an awful lot of time just looking at the people it randomly generates, thinking a lot about attractiveness and how we stylise our bodies in art. How drastically skewed proportions still register as human, how we're drawn not to realism, but to that which surpasses it... READ MORE
I find it interesting how many people envy those whose situation is different to their own, no matter what the respective situations might be... The prince who wants to be a pauper; that kind of thing. READ MORE
I'm due to have my sutures removed later today, so I'll be able to see the scar on my forehead for the first time. How much hair they shaved off. I'll also be able to wash my hair for the first time in ten days... which I'm looking forward to, since it feels so awful right now. Ten days... Hard to believe it's been that long, really. I think I'm getting better, slowly. But as the visceral novelty of brain surgery and hospitals loses its edge and fades into memory (though not as much as I might like; the daily physical reminders are a bugger), the same old negative thoughts begin to seep back in. As such, I'd like to do something I planned to do before all this. I'd like to use this blog to have a dialogue between my conscious self (in the sense that it's the self of which I am conscious; the Freudian ego), and my conscious self (in the sense that it's spiritually 'awakened', as opposed to the 'unconscious' fog of earthly delusions). Could be interesting. READ MORE
I got home... yesterday? I think it was yesterday? Or maybe the day before? The last week or so has been a blur, mostly. But I'm home now, resting and recovering. Not better - I feel godawful - and I still have potentially bad news waiting for me next week, but for now I'm on a road to recovery. I've been experiencing a lot of bizarre sensations both physical and psychological during the process... READ MORE
I'm still in the brain hospital. I've talked to more human beings in the couple of days I've been in here than I have the whole rest of the year, probably. It's really interesting how in falling apart, people come together to support those they might not otherwise... READ MORE
I had brain surgery a few hours ago, yet I live!! And still feel like me. Yay. My head feels like there's a knife stuck in it... But I'm in a hospital ward (my first time ever) and nurses are looking after me. Seems the surgery went well... Though it's not all over yet because the tumour might still need treatment. For now, though, phew. READ MORE
I'm currently in hospital, waiting for brain surgery tomorrow. I had a scan today to get a better idea of what might be in my head... I fainted when I was told that it was a tumour. READ MORE
I'll be spending next week in hospital, having brain surgery for what may very well be a malignant tumour. I'm genuinely not scared at all. I just feel numb, still because my life's so deeply dissatisfying that I feel I have so little to lose. READ MORE
I wrote in a (surprisingly) ∞ recent post ∞ about how I'd travelled for hours on trains to see a neurology specialist who, despite not having seen my brain scans, just dismissed me as a hypochondriac... I got a phone call from that neurology hospital just now telling me to expect another appointment soon; it seems he actually got and looked at my scans finally and changed his mind about there being nothing to worry about. READ MORE
Those who have faith make requests of their god(s) or the conscious universe in order to get what they want from the world... While I've always thought the idea rather ludicrous, I've recently been wondering whether they're onto something. READ MORE
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