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71 POSTS WITH THE TAG <Loneliness>

PERSONAL

1

743
Connected and Distracted
5 months ago1,275 words
I've been ususually social recently! But not very focused on Dreamons work I'd like to be doing.
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PERSONAL

0

561
Pursuit, Pressure, Personality
7 months ago1,476 words
I've been working on Dreamons, slowly! My blood pressure measurements are very variable! And I did a test meant to suggest careers for my personality, which told me nothing new but was interesting nonetheless!
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PERSONAL

1

523
I Fainted... Again, Apparently
7 months ago1,568 words
Here's a less-than-lovely update to the previously positive-ish post!
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PERSONAL

6

521
Should I Become A Meditation Teacher??
7 months ago3,518 words
I went to a Mindfulness class thing, and afterwards was reminded of how even minor positive real-world experiences can turn my inner world from night to day. I got wondering what I could pursue to get this more often...
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PERSONAL

4

496
Various Distractions
8 months ago1,841 words
I've been unable to work for the past few days due to dogsitting, though I've been unusually social via phone calls with friends. Also: canine social networking, R-CPD as a possible explanation for my lifelong inability to burp and recent chest pain, an intriguing game called Cocoon, a film called Marcel the Shell with Shoes On, and Patreon porn profits.
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PERSONAL

6

732
36th Birthday
9 months ago903 words
I am now Level 36. As always, I don't like this!
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PERSONAL

13

1,011
Counselling Course Conclusion?
9 months ago1,837 words
I had the fifth session of the Counselling Skills course yesterday. I left before it ended, and I'm unsure whether or not to continue with the other 10 sessions.
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PERSONAL

2

773
Counselling Class - Week 4
9 months ago3,052 words
Another diary entry of sorts about my stumbling steps into the real world. I wish I'd been employed in my teens and twenties, so I wasn't such a poisonous pest of an alien now.
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PERSONAL

9

673
Counselling Class 3 & What's Wrong With Me
9 months ago1,967 words
The third class of this Counselling skills course didn't go as badly as I dreaded it might, mostly due to revising my expectations. Also, a brief account of exactly why I've been trapped in a pit, and which mental conditions I believe I do or don't have.
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PERSONAL

7

569
Trauma-Induced Frustrations & Pathologising Circumstance
10 months ago1,200 words
Some venting in response to previous posts. Much of how I react internally to things these days comes from traumatic past experiences, and it's difficult to connect with people who are all like one another but different to you.
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PERSONAL

14

684
Being An Outcast Hurts
10 months ago1,961 words
Well, no miracles yesterday.
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PERSONAL

4

503
Alienation as the Crux of My Social Anxiety
10 months ago1,954 words
Some venting of anxiety I feel about the second counselling class later today. I feel like I'm the alien in the group. I don't mind being an alien, I just wish I could meet another alien to hide away from it all together with.
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PERSONAL

5

456
Counselling Course - Class 1
10 months ago3,951 words
I went to the first class of the Counselling course yesterday, which was the first time I've been around a group of strangers in many years. My experience was... mixed. Some disappointment, some hope, some anxious assumptions confirmed, while others were challenged.
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PERSONAL

6

807
Bitter Old Man Rant
10 months ago1,798 words
I'm old and lonely and lumpy and sad, so here's some probably embarrassing ranting about that to relieve some of the stress my demons are causing me today.
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PERSONAL

7

567
Artists vs AI; Counselling Course Concerns
10 months ago1,140 words
While AI can produce high-quality art quickly, in my experience, art's value comes from the creation process, at least in the sense of personal pride. Also, I've been losing sleep over doubts about the social dice roll I'll be making next week...
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PERSONAL

12

698
Looking Back at 2023
10 months ago1,790 words
2023's dead! Did I use it well? Ehh. I made a bunch of stuff, but I didn't complete any big projects like I would have wanted to. Mostly I felt lost, and frustrated by how my efforts seeking help to slow my descent into complete madness failed to really bear fruit at all.
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DEVELOPMENT

3

1,072
On Media Claimed By The Young; Another Eden
11 months ago2,278 words
I’ve actually done a lot of work on Dreamons this week, gasp! Though instead of going into detail about that, here's some rambling about popular creations being most obsessively consumed by the young and impressionable. Also, did you know there's a mobile JRPG made by some of the creators of Chrono Trigger? Plus a brief bit about the loneliness epidemic.
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PERSONAL

2

632
SLS, Considering a Counselling Course, Tin Whistle 3
11 months ago1,632 words
I'm still struggling with motivation, focus, general life stuff. I'm wondering whether to take an opportunity to start training as a counsellor...
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PERSONAL

11

1,643
So What Now? (Greedy Unity, Life Milestones, Alien Mummies, Etc)
1 year ago2,380 words
Some noteworthy things have happened in the news recently! Not much has happened in my own life, though, due to a combination of taking time off, not being happy with where I am, and not knowing where I should go.
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PERSONAL

5

802
UFOs! Mental illness! Unproductive! Ugh!
1 year ago1,093 words
UFO disclosure seems to have progressed this week. Can't say the same about myself!
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PERSONAL

1

998
Stuck in a Vortex
2 years ago1,417 words
I've felt terrible this week, and got nothing done... which makes me feel terrible, which makes me get nothing done!
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PERSONAL

8

1,022
Creative Constipation & Moody Music
2 years ago - Edited 2 years ago929 words
I've continued struggling to focus on games dev due to my recent attempts to get mental health help only exacerbating my issues. I composed some moody music about getting old though!!
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PERSONAL

9

1,243
35th Birthday, Outings Part 2
2 years ago2,198 words
I'm much older than I'd like. I met a friend, for the first time in almost two years! I also met someone who was supposed to help with my disconnection from society...
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PERSONAL

5

1,236
Goals for 2023
2 years ago1,478 words
New Year's Resolutions! A chance for a life revision, as I see it. How well did I achieve last year's? And what do I hope for from this year?
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PERSONAL

7

1,056
Weekly Update - CBC Port, Sequel? Still Depressed
2 years ago2,392 words
Another days-late post! Depression slump continues. Some thoughts about a CBC port or remake and rambling about computer crashes and cutscene 'games' I enjoy making for myself but doubt would appeal to others.
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PERSONAL

6

1,288
Venting about being an anxious, bumbling fool - Edit: improvements
2 years ago - Edited 2 years ago2,478 words
I've hinted in posts over the past few weeks that my mental health's been worsening lately, largely because I see the imposing mountain ahead of me - having to run a Kickstarter, and socially engage more than I have probably ever - and how insurmountable it seems, so it and the game might flop and I'll have to change my whole life around, which I believe I can't cope with, etc, etc. I've also mentioned that I needed to try and see a doctor to get treatment for my mental health again. So I've started the process on that... but... ugh.
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PERSONAL

5

1,580
Weird Wasted Week - AvPD & DPD
2 years ago2,015 words
Some venting about the Avoidant and Dependent Personality Disorders that likely hinder me, awkward phone calls with friends, embarrassment while dog walking, and how much of a mental mess I generally am.
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PERSONAL

14

1,815
A Frantic, Rambling About Rethinking My Life
3 years ago1,754 words
Should I get a job??
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PERSONAL

12

1,665
Illness, Reddit, Friendship, Lego
3 years ago1,543 words
I haven't written a personal post in a while, so here's some rambling about a cold I have, my fruitful efforts to break through my reluctance to use Reddit, friendship and relative loneliness, and buying Lego to rekindle childhood joy!
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PERSONAL

9

2,181
Mental Piranhas
3 years ago2,411 words
I'M MENTALLY ILL. Did you know that?? I might not have mentioned it hundreds of times before, I forget. It's been worse than usual this week, so here's some venting about money woes, and how toxic communities have and continue to exacerbate the social anxiety that's already prevented me from seizing so many opportunities...
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PERSONAL

8

1,768
Video Call Take 2, Piano Miniatures
3 years ago2,162 words
A bit of a diary entry: I had another video call with a friend which was way less awkward than the last, which gave me some social confidence though I'm still paranoid of being noticed and judged, and I composed six short piano pieces this week - and have an album of 18 more from between 2012 and 2019 - but it's a shame that's not really a marketable thing that people would care about!
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PERSONAL

6

1,633
I Fainted
4 years ago577 words
God, it's one thing after another!
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PERSONAL

8

2,687
Week Off; Antidepressants are Placebos?
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago1,682 words
I didn't work on Atonal Dreams this week because my depression's been getting increasingly worse recently and I clearly needed a break. Did you know that antidepressants are probably placebos?
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PERSONAL

6

2,098
Various Brain Issues!
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago2,148 words
A bit of a frantic, anxious vent about recent brain issues I've been struggling with and distracted by, both physical and mental!
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PERSONAL

24

2,954
Soul Hole
4 years ago1,814 words
Some scattered thoughts about the soul holes that loveless childhoods can leave us with. Cheery stuff, as usual!
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PERSONAL

25

2,773
32; Growth
5 years ago - Edited 5 years ago2,089 words
It's my birthday today, so I felt like I should at least acknowledge that with a post. Today's mostly just business as usual - spending my time alone working on this game - but there's a background of miserableness because of some discouraging comments on the previous post, because they're right. I've been thinking about how I need to change as a person, but looking back on how I was just a couple of years ago, I'd say I've already come a long way!
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PERSONAL

0

3,496
My Situation Now
6 years ago4,548 words
Those are certainly some comments on the previous post.
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PERSONAL

0

4,882
Looking Back at 2018
6 years ago5,113 words
So, now that the 2018th year since our Lord Jesus Christ hatched from his egg is gasping out its final breaths, I feel the compulsion to have a look at exactly how I've wasted this period of my life that I'll never get back. I graduated from university (and made it through alive, to my surprise), I had brain surgery for a cancerous tumour (and made it through alive, to my surprise), and I did a bunch of creative stuff but never actually finished or released anything (and made it through alive, to the absolute shock of everyone). That's... something?
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PERSONAL

0

3,228
Incapable
6 years ago2,648 words
I had my first radiotherapy session today. I've not produced anything yet though! Seems likely that my future will be determined by my Avoidant Personality Disorder...
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PERSONAL

0

3,351
Bleak Thoughts While Recuperating
6 years ago5,167 words
I know I vent about my personal problems on this personal blog a lot, but it always helps to get them out rather than just keeping them to myself. Brain cancer and loneliness are the biggest things at the moment, still, though I'm coping gradually with each of them. Still, I'd rather just start working on a game!
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PERSONAL

0

3,272
Met Up With a Friend, But Not With the Neighbour
6 years ago2,072 words
I spent a few hours with a friend from university on Tuesday - the first meaningful human contact I've had in months - which was nice. But I haven't talked to the neighbour I talked about in the previous post.
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PERSONAL

0

4,238
Accepting Solitude, Lacking Motivation
6 years ago2,659 words
I've not been achieving as much as I'd like recently, and it's bothering me. I want to write about the reasons why here, in the hope that it might help me get back on track.
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PERSONAL

0

4,893
Avoidant Personality Disorder: The Eschewnicorn Mind-Pilot
6 years ago3,291 words
Most people experience some kind of anxiety or shame in regards to social situations, especially those that go badly. For me, the mental monster that governs these kinds of reactions is perhaps the most potent and evolved of the menagerie in my mind; it's the 'boss' that holds the reins. It's drastically limited my life, and will likely continue to do so... so maybe my only option is to find a way of living 'around' it rather than trying to get rid of it.
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PERSONAL

0

3,860
A Crack in the Black Clouds
7 years ago1,238 words
I didn't spend Valentine's Day alone, unexpectedly.
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PERSONAL

0

3,447
The Power of Empathy
7 years ago459 words
Here's an interesting video supporting the idea (which I've thought for a long time myself and tried to explain before) that the best way to improve someone's unpleasant mood is to empathise with them rather than merely sympathising with them; to show that you feel their pain rather than to try to cheer them up: [LINK]
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PERSONAL

0

3,546
Invisible Love
7 years ago930 words
Being caught in a blizzard and told that there's a 'nice warm fire out there somewhere' doesn't exactly ward away frostbite.
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PERSONAL

0

4,275
It's All About Sex
7 years ago2,724 words
We exist to have sex, biologically. Everything else is peripheral. And it's really hard to want to keep going if you feel that physical connection isn't going to be a part of your life experience. For me, anyway.
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PERSONAL

0

3,299
Less than the Best
7 years ago1,123 words
The idea of having to 'settle' for someone I don't have a spark of chemistry with seems worse to me than death.
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PERSONAL

0

3,550
Downs and Ups
7 years ago1,968 words
It was my first day of classes for the third year of university today. It's been a bit of a roller coaster. Crushing, suicidal despair, followed by a twinkling of hope.
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PERSONAL

0

3,436
Connection and Hope
7 years ago501 words
I just wanted to write a quick update about how things are coming along with my housemates.
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PERSONAL

0

3,785
Building Belonging for the Broken
7 years ago1,802 words
On a whim, I made a small social website specifically for students at my university with mental health issues to connect with one another, but I really can't decide if it's a good idea to actually announce its existence or not.
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PERSONAL

0

4,615
Near Death
7 years ago6,383 words
I've felt for a while now that I was in some kind of sunset period of my story; that my life was nearing its end. That end - which will likely be self-inflicted - feels closer than ever, but is that such a bad thing?
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PERSONAL

0

3,671
Back from South Korea
7 years ago2,636 words
I've returned from my month in South Korea. I'd hoped it might be an escape from the despair of the usual rut, but I'm reminded of the line "wherever you go, you are there"... Still, overall I'm glad I went, and I feel I might have grown at least a little bit as a person, which was my main reason for going.
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PERSONAL

0

4,910
Without Security
7 years ago2,676 words
I'm currently in South Korea! I almost committed suicide the other day!!
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PERSONAL

0

4,011
Bursting my Bubble?
7 years ago2,725 words
It's been a relatively eventful week, the last for probably a while... I went for another checkup about my brain tumour, and also tried facing some weird fears... which put a lot of things into perspective and made me aware of how small and distorted my psychological bubble has become lately (and how valuable relationships are, again).
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PERSONAL

0

3,649
Freedom, and the Chains of Chance
7 years ago2,995 words
I've finished my university exams, and now have a long summer ahead of me and I don't know what to do with it. All I can think about are relationships, and how much I've failed in that crucially important area of life.
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PERSONAL

0

3,791
Acceptance as an Antidote
8 years ago932 words
My thought processes have been quite toxic for the last couple of years. This isn't leading anywhere good. Mindful acceptance seems the ideal antidote, so I want to work more on cultivating that.
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PERSONAL

0

3,399
Lost and Tired
8 years ago959 words
I'm not dead! Well, not yet, anyway. Though I have wished that I was several times over these past few weeks. Depression isn't a pleasant thing. I've been struggling with that, and my time's been consumed by academic work, but it's Easter now, and I've got three weeks where I should be able to relax a bit more. I want to get back into creative work, but I'm unsure what to do.
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PERSONAL

0

6,564
Disconnection & Avoidant Personality Disorder
8 years ago1,972 words
Do other people think or care much about how well they can connect with others? Things I've read suggest it's a common concern, but I haven't got the impression that the feeling of disconnection dominates the minds and lives of others as it does for me. It feels - to me, at least - that connecting with others in a meaningful way is the purpose and meaning of life... But it's the thing I've always struggled most with, and... well, I've written about this many times before, but here I am impotently venting my frustrations again...
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PERSONAL

0

4,003
Why People Kill Themselves
8 years ago1,458 words
I've been thinking a lot about suicide recently, again. To better understand why my mind would be lingering in this area so much, I've been reading a book explaining the factors that contribute to people wanting to no longer be alive...
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PERSONAL

0

3,674
Seeing From Different Eyes
8 years ago2,337 words
I've been a mess recently... Or I suppose I've been a mess for a long while now, but these past few days have been worse. Some of the worst in my life. I feel like I've lost or will lose my best friend, because of my faults and mistakes, and as she's been the thread that's kept me hanging onto life for a while now, well...
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PERSONAL

0

4,373
Makes sense to me!
8 years ago3,685 words
I've got some emails about my games from someone who's clearly mentally ill. They're... definitely something. (Quote: "All filthy conduct, fornication and ''intimacy'', in thought, word, desire or deed, flings the soul into a sewer beneath every low beast.") Makes me think though about how everyone's thoughts make perfect sense to them, even the severely delusional. If my thoughts were bizarre, would I even know it? Also, loneliness. That's fun.
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PERSONAL

0

3,918
Creativity, Friendship, Undesirability, Counselling, Nightline, Employment, Korea, and Christmas
8 years ago4,111 words
I haven't updated this thing in a while. I'm not dead. Yet. Though I still often feel as if I'd rather be, or if I already am in some sense. I mourn the apparent death of my once vibrant and fulfilling creativity in particular. A shame about that. Anyway, in the last few weeks I've been depressed - as usual - though I've also had enough tastes of actual happiness to motivate me to seek out paths to a better place. I feel I've also come to some realisations about the root of most of my psychological problems. Now that I've finished the rather draining academic assignments that have been eating up almost all my time recently, I'd like to write about everything here for my own benefit; it does seem to help to get it all out.
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PERSONAL

0

4,071
Egoistic Relative Deprivation
8 years ago1,936 words
The last couple of days were - for the first time in a long time - actually nice; I felt as if life were worth living, and the thought of ending it didn't enter my mind at all. It's because I made a conscious decision to shift my thoughts from sulking about receiving insufficient love, to giving love unconditionally for its own sake. The difference in the way I and the world felt was astounding; I felt as if the problem had been solved, the way to happiness revealed. Sadly, I seem to be slipping off that path again already...
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PERSONAL

0

3,386
Immutability?
8 years ago1,583 words
Can we ever truly change, I wonder? I notice a pattern repeating; it feels as if I'm losing my only friend for exactly the same reasons that I lost my girlfriend, when I had one all those years ago, despite spending years telling myself I'd learn and grow from my mistakes and become a better person. I'd still like to think that's possible, but it's a disheartening position to be in, feeling from observations of yourself that perhaps you're just beyond repair...
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PERSONAL

0

5,450
Longing for Bonds, Peace, Death
8 years ago3,616 words
I haven't updated this in a while. I've returned to university, and I arrived with hope that things might get better for me... They haven't. I've been trying to write this post for days, but it's been difficult to turn my scattered thoughts into writing. Here's another attempt...
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PERSONAL

0

3,126
Summer's End
8 years ago2,620 words
I'll be returning to university tomorrow, and there's a lot on my mind. Specifically about personal growth; to what degree it's possible for me, whether it's more visible to others than oneself. I'm going to ramble in a stream-of-consciousness manner in this post, partly so then I can sort through my thoughts, and partly because I'll personally find it interesting to compare the weather of my mind at this point in my life with how it might be in a few months' time.
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PERSONAL

0

3,516
The Nocebo Effect
8 years ago1,211 words
My previously asymptomatic brain tumour is now symptomatic, after having a conversation about it with the neurologist and dwelling on it without distraction for days. I strongly suspect psychosomatic symptoms rather than literal, physiological growth of the tumour manifesting 'real' symptoms, yet having that belief on the conscious surface of my mind apparently isn't enough to dispel the worrying sensations.
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PERSONAL

0

3,626
You Matter, I Don't
8 years ago1,605 words
I've been reading a lot recently, and many signposts seem to converge on the same path: in order to escape my sorrows, I should kill my Self.
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PERSONAL

0

2,931
Respective Perspectives
8 years ago1,512 words
I find it interesting how many people envy those whose situation is different to their own, no matter what the respective situations might be... The prince who wants to be a pauper; that kind of thing.
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PERSONAL

0

3,270
Egos
8 years ago1,606 words
I'm due to have my sutures removed later today, so I'll be able to see the scar on my forehead for the first time. How much hair they shaved off. I'll also be able to wash my hair for the first time in ten days... which I'm looking forward to, since it feels so awful right now. Ten days... Hard to believe it's been that long, really. I think I'm getting better, slowly. But as the visceral novelty of brain surgery and hospitals loses its edge and fades into memory (though not as much as I might like; the daily physical reminders are a bugger), the same old negative thoughts begin to seep back in. As such, I'd like to do something I planned to do before all this. I'd like to use this blog to have a dialogue between my conscious self (in the sense that it's the self of which I am conscious; the Freudian ego), and my conscious self (in the sense that it's spiritually 'awakened', as opposed to the 'unconscious' fog of earthly delusions). Could be interesting.
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