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80 POSTS WITH THE TAG <Venting>

PERSONAL

1

743
Connected and Distracted
5 months ago1,275 words
I've been ususually social recently! But not very focused on Dreamons work I'd like to be doing.
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PERSONAL

5

800
Dreamons, Insomnia, Nostalgia
7 months ago2,078 words
Some venting about recent sleep issues - likely a result of persistent life situation issues - and thoughts about my current game dev project, Dreamons, some old GBC Legend of Zelda games, and the Netflix adaptation of Avatar: The Last Airbender.
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PERSONAL

6

732
36th Birthday
9 months ago903 words
I am now Level 36. As always, I don't like this!
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PERSONAL

13

1,011
Counselling Course Conclusion?
9 months ago1,837 words
I had the fifth session of the Counselling Skills course yesterday. I left before it ended, and I'm unsure whether or not to continue with the other 10 sessions.
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PERSONAL

7

569
Trauma-Induced Frustrations & Pathologising Circumstance
10 months ago1,200 words
Some venting in response to previous posts. Much of how I react internally to things these days comes from traumatic past experiences, and it's difficult to connect with people who are all like one another but different to you.
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PERSONAL

14

684
Being An Outcast Hurts
10 months ago1,961 words
Well, no miracles yesterday.
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PERSONAL

4

503
Alienation as the Crux of My Social Anxiety
10 months ago1,954 words
Some venting of anxiety I feel about the second counselling class later today. I feel like I'm the alien in the group. I don't mind being an alien, I just wish I could meet another alien to hide away from it all together with.
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PERSONAL

9

549
Post-Event Rumination
10 months ago636 words
The worst parts of social anxiety aren't during the dreaded event, but before and especially afterwards.
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PERSONAL

6

807
Bitter Old Man Rant
10 months ago1,798 words
I'm old and lonely and lumpy and sad, so here's some probably embarrassing ranting about that to relieve some of the stress my demons are causing me today.
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PERSONAL

7

567
Artists vs AI; Counselling Course Concerns
10 months ago1,140 words
While AI can produce high-quality art quickly, in my experience, art's value comes from the creation process, at least in the sense of personal pride. Also, I've been losing sleep over doubts about the social dice roll I'll be making next week...
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PERSONAL

2

632
SLS, Considering a Counselling Course, Tin Whistle 3
11 months ago1,632 words
I'm still struggling with motivation, focus, general life stuff. I'm wondering whether to take an opportunity to start training as a counsellor...
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PERSONAL

2

609
Scattered, Plateau, Gamepad
1 year ago969 words
I've been working on stuff I don't want to show yet, plus here's some rambling about Tomb Raider, video game graphics plateauing, and an issue with my gamepad's right trigger. EXCITING STUFF.
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PERSONAL

5

832
A Plan For The Future?
1 year ago841 words
I finally feel like I have some vague idea of what kind of life might allow me to continue making stuff while paying the bills and not going (even more) insane??
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DEVELOPMENT

5

752
Dreamons - Anima... tions!
1 year ago2,224 words
Here's some rambling about the technicalities of how I create game animations that you probably don't understand or care about!! Also, I have a protagonist and story mostly sorted out now.
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DEVELOPMENT

6

899
Back To Work - Dreamons Revisions
1 year ago2,097 words
I got back to this side project last week! Now I'm planning to focus it around an 'evil' council not unlike MARDEK's Governance de Magi. Also, Unity bug and counselling-related awkwardness.
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PERSONAL

11

1,643
So What Now? (Greedy Unity, Life Milestones, Alien Mummies, Etc)
1 year ago2,380 words
Some noteworthy things have happened in the news recently! Not much has happened in my own life, though, due to a combination of taking time off, not being happy with where I am, and not knowing where I should go.
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PERSONAL

2

625
Music Musings & 5 Tin Whistle Pieces
1 year ago2,482 words
I've now composed five (and a bit) pieces of music for this tin whistle I got less than a week ago! I also find it a shame how 'music' for most people is mostly about stuff beyond the actual arrangement of notes...
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PERSONAL

12

837
Measuring My Cognitive Impairment
1 year ago661 words
Look at these worryingly unimpressive results I got on a test of my cognitive performance!!
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PERSONAL

1

998
Stuck in a Vortex
2 years ago1,417 words
I've felt terrible this week, and got nothing done... which makes me feel terrible, which makes me get nothing done!
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PERSONAL

1

1,058
CrAItivity - Fluffy Lamppost
2 years ago1,343 words
ChatGPT is a better poet than I could dream of being!! Also, Steamed Hams.
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PERSONAL

6

1,258
What am I even doing with my time?
2 years ago2,099 words
Maybe I should do this instead??
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PERSONAL

8

1,022
Creative Constipation & Moody Music
2 years ago - Edited 2 years ago929 words
I've continued struggling to focus on games dev due to my recent attempts to get mental health help only exacerbating my issues. I composed some moody music about getting old though!!
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PERSONAL

12

1,321
Frustrated by Mental Health 'Help'
2 years ago734 words
Ugh, yet another week where I've made no worthwhile progress on game dev projects, largely due to frustrations about the mental health 'help' I've been getting.
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PERSONAL

9

1,243
35th Birthday, Outings Part 2
2 years ago2,198 words
I'm much older than I'd like. I met a friend, for the first time in almost two years! I also met someone who was supposed to help with my disconnection from society...
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PERSONAL

11

1,189
Outings, CBC Port, Feedback Frustrations
2 years ago1,376 words
I'll be going out into the Real World to see people twice this week! Also CBC port, and UFO-related blog post reaction frustrations.
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PERSONAL

19

1,153
I Saw An Occupational Therapist - A Rant (I'm Not Interested In Cooking)
2 years ago1,887 words
I saw a person about my mental health issues yesterday, who told me to eat better and go for walks. Thanks, I'm cured. Also, I hate cooking.
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PERSONAL

10

1,131
Weekly Update - A Follow-Up Re Atonal Dreams Box Art
2 years ago1,720 words
A second post this week with some thoughts about art I drew a few days ago, and the kind of feedback artists hope for when showing other people the fruits of their hard work.
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DEVELOPMENT

10

1,230
Weekly Update - Cover art finished; Doubts due to lack of childhood encouragement
2 years ago1,254 words
I finished some promotional art, which I'm proud of, but... did your parents ever encourage you in your pursuit of your interests?
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PERSONAL

7

1,056
Weekly Update - CBC Port, Sequel? Still Depressed
2 years ago2,392 words
Another days-late post! Depression slump continues. Some thoughts about a CBC port or remake and rambling about computer crashes and cutscene 'games' I enjoy making for myself but doubt would appeal to others.
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DEVELOPMENT

17

1,534
Belated Weekly Update - Website Changes, Presenting Oneself, Pokemon
2 years ago3,011 words
I've finally implemented the revisions to this website that have taken far longer than they really should have done! Am I presenting my game and myself in an appropriate way, though? Also, Pokemon Violet.
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PERSONAL

6

1,254
Weekly Update - Thrown Off, Not Dead Yet
2 years ago1,098 words
Another excuse post! Ugh!
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PERSONAL

1

1,050
Head Pressure, Continued; Several Stressful Factors
2 years ago1,284 words
For the second week in a row, this post's mostly just an excuse about how I've not achieved what I wanted to this week, due to general mental illness exacerbated by several situational stressors. Bleh.
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DEVELOPMENT

9

1,390
Weekly Update - Alpha Testing Phase 3, Week 1 - Quiet
2 years ago1,173 words
I announced the start of the third alpha test of Atonal Dreams on Monday... but so far only one person has provided feedback. It's discouraging, but I blame myself!
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PERSONAL

5

732
I Like Stock/Royalty-Free Music
2 years ago961 words
And it bothers me when I hear it in youtube videos but can't find the piece myself because the youtuber didn't care enough about it to mention what it was called!
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PERSONAL

22

1,808
Makers and Madness
2 years ago1,231 words
Creators having breakdowns and turning on - or seeking to hide away from - their 'fans' seems to be a not-uncommon thing!
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PERSONAL

6

1,288
Venting about being an anxious, bumbling fool - Edit: improvements
2 years ago - Edited 2 years ago2,478 words
I've hinted in posts over the past few weeks that my mental health's been worsening lately, largely because I see the imposing mountain ahead of me - having to run a Kickstarter, and socially engage more than I have probably ever - and how insurmountable it seems, so it and the game might flop and I'll have to change my whole life around, which I believe I can't cope with, etc, etc. I've also mentioned that I needed to try and see a doctor to get treatment for my mental health again. So I've started the process on that... but... ugh.
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DEVELOPMENT

1

1,500
Weekly Update - Atonal Dreams Alpha 2 is Ongoing! (& Future Fears)
2 years ago746 words
The second alpha test of Atonal Dreams is currently ongoing! So that's something!
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PERSONAL

5

1,580
Weird Wasted Week - AvPD & DPD
2 years ago2,015 words
Some venting about the Avoidant and Dependent Personality Disorders that likely hinder me, awkward phone calls with friends, embarrassment while dog walking, and how much of a mental mess I generally am.
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PERSONAL

10

1,510
How often do you a) play games, and b) talk to people?
2 years ago1,822 words
A couple of questions for you! Also some rambling about why I'm asking.
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PERSONAL

9

2,181
Mental Piranhas
3 years ago2,411 words
I'M MENTALLY ILL. Did you know that?? I might not have mentioned it hundreds of times before, I forget. It's been worse than usual this week, so here's some venting about money woes, and how toxic communities have and continue to exacerbate the social anxiety that's already prevented me from seizing so many opportunities...
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PERSONAL

6

1,633
I Fainted
4 years ago577 words
God, it's one thing after another!
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PERSONAL

0

697
Repeating Patterns
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago1,837 words
Another extremely disturbed night last night; insomnia waking me into a vortex of frantic fretting about shifting symptoms that led to me pacing around my kitchen for an hour at 2am... So I'm writing about it again to hopefully find some relief.
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PERSONAL

2

795
Anxiety Again, Questioning My Sanity
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago1,510 words
I'm still dealing with this anxiety, and writing about it seems to help, so here's another post in this little series about my broken brain! Yesterday I was seriously worrying about my sanity after seeing in my phone's history that I made a couple of calls in late November 2020 that I have absolutely no recollection of and might have made while asleep??
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PERSONAL

0

596
Hypochondria
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago1,298 words
I've always thought of 'hypochondria' as just a dismissal of anything serious, though it's a real condition in itself which is probably responsible for what I've been going through lately...
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PERSONAL

4

1,662
Challenging Brain Worries (EDIT 2)
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago2,752 words
I want to write some more about these headaches, since they're still bothering me and I'm tired of them! (Monday edit: I woke up shaking.)
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PERSONAL

9

1,819
Headaches - But Why?? (Probably Anxiety) (EDITED)
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago2,328 words
I've been having a lot of distracting headaches recently, and I'm not sure whether they're due to anxiety/depression or my brain condition... (EDIT: I just talked on the phone with a hospital nurse...)
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PERSONAL

8

2,687
Week Off; Antidepressants are Placebos?
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago1,682 words
I didn't work on Atonal Dreams this week because my depression's been getting increasingly worse recently and I clearly needed a break. Did you know that antidepressants are probably placebos?
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PERSONAL

6

2,098
Various Brain Issues!
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago2,148 words
A bit of a frantic, anxious vent about recent brain issues I've been struggling with and distracted by, both physical and mental!
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PERSONAL

10

2,063
Hello, I have Social Anxiety
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago2,471 words
No dev blog this week since I haven't worked on Atonal Dreams, so here's a ramble about my various mental issues! What fun!!
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PERSONAL

15

2,406
Waning and Wandering Interest
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago1,870 words
I'm really close now to the point where I can release a playable demo of Atonal Dreams... which should be exciting, but I've had a lot of days recently - today included - where I struggle to get to work due to worries about the waning interest in this blog and - presumably by extension - the game.
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PERSONAL

24

2,954
Soul Hole
4 years ago1,814 words
Some scattered thoughts about the soul holes that loveless childhoods can leave us with. Cheery stuff, as usual!
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DEVELOPMENT

23

2,770
Rethinking Divine Dreams?
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago1,843 words
I love my ideas for Divine Dreams, but making enough money from them is such a daunting prospect that maybe I should rethink what I'm trying to do.
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PERSONAL

4

1,633
Site issues... AGAIN
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago1,002 words
My site's been down all week, and that's been incredibly frustrating. It's back now... but based on what support said, I don't know how long it'll stay up.
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PERSONAL

21

5,332
MARDEK on Steam - OST & Extras, Release Date, New Description
5 years ago - Edited 5 years ago1,390 words
There are still some things to sort out, but here's some progress on getting MARDEK on Steam (and a bit of a rant). (Update: Everything's done now!)
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PERSONAL

22

3,145
MARDEK Re-Release Hurdles (UPDATE)
5 years ago - Edited 5 years ago1,483 words
I'm devoting this week to setting up the old MARDEK games for Steam, though there are some frustrating hurdles. Here's me rambling about what I've got after doing several hours of research today, for catharsis as much as anything!
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PERSONAL

19

2,879
Languishing in Poverty
5 years ago3,092 words
I have neither fame nor fortune, and I'm worried for the future.
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PERSONAL

0

2,846
Sindrel Song as an 'Incel Game'
5 years ago2,396 words
There's a comment on the previous post which is apparently a negative review left on Sindrel Song on Kartridge. It mentions that the story's take on mental illness is childish, and the rest of the dialogue is 'odd incel talk'. I've been wondering to what extent other people might get a similar impression.
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PERSONAL

0

3,436
Invisible Illness
5 years ago3,040 words
Apparently I'm not cripplingly mentally ill because I don't appear blatantly broken to professional strangers I've talked to for a single conversation. Sigh!
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PERSONAL

0

4,049
I don't have Asperger's!!
6 years ago4,554 words
I saw some kind of psychologist person at the cancer hospital today for an assessment, after mentioning my mental health issues to my cancer doctor months ago, during radiotherapy. I hoped to get a proper diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder, not because it'll change anything, but because I feel nobody would take me seriously if I'm just going on a self-diagnosis. Instead, I just ended up talking to her for two and a half hours about pretty much my whole life story, which included insisting that I don't have Asperger's, not for the first time, which then led to me wondering if I actually do, sigh...
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PERSONAL

0

2,741
Watching a head break apart is easier if it is literal
6 years ago2,227 words
It bothers me that I'm having to worry about this game's story and characters being too repulsively depressing, when excessive, gory violence pervades media the majority go wild for...
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PERSONAL

0

3,490
Is This The Course I Should Pursue?
6 years ago3,128 words
Despite constant, irritating fatigue, and woes about my present and my future, I've been slowly working my way through writing dialogue for Sindrel Song...
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PERSONAL

0

3,496
My Situation Now
6 years ago4,548 words
Those are certainly some comments on the previous post.
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PERSONAL

0

3,654
Stuck While Aiming Forward, Looking Back
6 years ago4,356 words
Some cathartic venting about fatigue, lack of motivation, mental barriers, Alora Fane, and MARDEK 4. And this thing from Sindrel Song, obviously.
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PERSONAL

0

3,228
Incapable
6 years ago2,648 words
I had my first radiotherapy session today. I've not produced anything yet though! Seems likely that my future will be determined by my Avoidant Personality Disorder...
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PERSONAL

0

3,351
Bleak Thoughts While Recuperating
6 years ago5,167 words
I know I vent about my personal problems on this personal blog a lot, but it always helps to get them out rather than just keeping them to myself. Brain cancer and loneliness are the biggest things at the moment, still, though I'm coping gradually with each of them. Still, I'd rather just start working on a game!
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PERSONAL

0

2,625
The Future Looms
6 years ago3,368 words
I'm recovering, gradually, but the future looms, and I don't know what to do with it. Should I make a game?
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PERSONAL

0

3,476
So Close, But I'm Too Far Away
6 years ago1,138 words
A young woman lives with her parents next door who I might very well be quite compatible with, but we've never even seen each other because I'm too weird.
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PERSONAL

0

3,313
Waiting For Brain Surgery, Sympathising With Hatred, and Immediate Plans
6 years ago1,536 words
I'll be having brain surgery a week from now, and it's been difficult to focus with that weighing on my mind. Here's a bit about that, my plans for what I'll post over these next few days, and a bit about the manosphere stuff to follow the previous post.
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PERSONAL

0

4,238
Accepting Solitude, Lacking Motivation
6 years ago2,659 words
I've not been achieving as much as I'd like recently, and it's bothering me. I want to write about the reasons why here, in the hope that it might help me get back on track.
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PERSONAL

0

4,663
Longing for Belonging... As Always
7 years ago1,541 words
I still don't know what I want to do with my future (if I even have one)...
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PERSONAL

0

4,415
Birthday Cheer!! :D
7 years ago1,248 words
It's my birthday today. I was going to give myself the gift of sweet release from this miserable existence... but I'll probably just rant about that here instead. Yay!!
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PERSONAL

0

3,546
Invisible Love
7 years ago930 words
Being caught in a blizzard and told that there's a 'nice warm fire out there somewhere' doesn't exactly ward away frostbite.
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PERSONAL

0

4,275
It's All About Sex
7 years ago2,724 words
We exist to have sex, biologically. Everything else is peripheral. And it's really hard to want to keep going if you feel that physical connection isn't going to be a part of your life experience. For me, anyway.
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PERSONAL

0

3,268
Who Heals the Monsters?
7 years ago1,832 words
We should sympathise with victims of mistreatment. They've been through a lot and need love and care. But what of the pain the monsters feel? Who's there to care for them? Or should they just be slain?
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PERSONAL

0

3,299
Less than the Best
7 years ago1,123 words
The idea of having to 'settle' for someone I don't have a spark of chemistry with seems worse to me than death.
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PERSONAL

0

3,926
Creativity & Critics
7 years ago2,679 words
I feel the drive to do something creative, and I've been playing around with ideas recently... But the fear of criticism really gets in the way of producing anything, especially since I want to use art as a way of coping with and communicating my psychological struggles, which has hardly been met with eager excitement in the past.
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PERSONAL

0

3,649
Freedom, and the Chains of Chance
7 years ago2,995 words
I've finished my university exams, and now have a long summer ahead of me and I don't know what to do with it. All I can think about are relationships, and how much I've failed in that crucially important area of life.
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PERSONAL

0

6,564
Disconnection & Avoidant Personality Disorder
8 years ago1,972 words
Do other people think or care much about how well they can connect with others? Things I've read suggest it's a common concern, but I haven't got the impression that the feeling of disconnection dominates the minds and lives of others as it does for me. It feels - to me, at least - that connecting with others in a meaningful way is the purpose and meaning of life... But it's the thing I've always struggled most with, and... well, I've written about this many times before, but here I am impotently venting my frustrations again...
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PERSONAL

0

3,918
Creativity, Friendship, Undesirability, Counselling, Nightline, Employment, Korea, and Christmas
8 years ago4,111 words
I haven't updated this thing in a while. I'm not dead. Yet. Though I still often feel as if I'd rather be, or if I already am in some sense. I mourn the apparent death of my once vibrant and fulfilling creativity in particular. A shame about that. Anyway, in the last few weeks I've been depressed - as usual - though I've also had enough tastes of actual happiness to motivate me to seek out paths to a better place. I feel I've also come to some realisations about the root of most of my psychological problems. Now that I've finished the rather draining academic assignments that have been eating up almost all my time recently, I'd like to write about everything here for my own benefit; it does seem to help to get it all out.
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PERSONAL

0

4,071
Egoistic Relative Deprivation
8 years ago1,936 words
The last couple of days were - for the first time in a long time - actually nice; I felt as if life were worth living, and the thought of ending it didn't enter my mind at all. It's because I made a conscious decision to shift my thoughts from sulking about receiving insufficient love, to giving love unconditionally for its own sake. The difference in the way I and the world felt was astounding; I felt as if the problem had been solved, the way to happiness revealed. Sadly, I seem to be slipping off that path again already...
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