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24 POSTS WITH THE TAG <Self-Loathing>

PERSONAL

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774
Counselling Class - Week 4
9 months ago3,052 words
Another diary entry of sorts about my stumbling steps into the real world. I wish I'd been employed in my teens and twenties, so I wasn't such a poisonous pest of an alien now.
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PERSONAL

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685
Being An Outcast Hurts
10 months ago1,961 words
Well, no miracles yesterday.
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PERSONAL

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506
Alienation as the Crux of My Social Anxiety
10 months ago1,954 words
Some venting of anxiety I feel about the second counselling class later today. I feel like I'm the alien in the group. I don't mind being an alien, I just wish I could meet another alien to hide away from it all together with.
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PERSONAL

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Post-Event Rumination
10 months ago636 words
The worst parts of social anxiety aren't during the dreaded event, but before and especially afterwards.
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PERSONAL

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Bitter Old Man Rant
10 months ago1,798 words
I'm old and lonely and lumpy and sad, so here's some probably embarrassing ranting about that to relieve some of the stress my demons are causing me today.
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PERSONAL

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634
SLS, Considering a Counselling Course, Tin Whistle 3
11 months ago1,632 words
I'm still struggling with motivation, focus, general life stuff. I'm wondering whether to take an opportunity to start training as a counsellor...
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PERSONAL

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913
Looking Back At 2022 - And How it Ended with a Crash
2 years ago2,668 words
So how's your whole Christmas/end-of-year period been? I spent at least a week - starting from Christmas Day - alone, in bed, so depressed I could barely even move. So that was fun!! Have I ever mentioned that I'm mentally ill before? What, in most of the blog posts I've written this year, you say?? I've at least made stuff every month despite it, though slower than I'd like.
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DEVELOPMENT

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1,232
Weekly Update - Cover art finished; Doubts due to lack of childhood encouragement
2 years ago1,254 words
I finished some promotional art, which I'm proud of, but... did your parents ever encourage you in your pursuit of your interests?
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PERSONAL

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1,583
Weird Wasted Week - AvPD & DPD
2 years ago2,015 words
Some venting about the Avoidant and Dependent Personality Disorders that likely hinder me, awkward phone calls with friends, embarrassment while dog walking, and how much of a mental mess I generally am.
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PERSONAL

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1,667
Illness, Reddit, Friendship, Lego
3 years ago1,543 words
I haven't written a personal post in a while, so here's some rambling about a cold I have, my fruitful efforts to break through my reluctance to use Reddit, friendship and relative loneliness, and buying Lego to rekindle childhood joy!
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PERSONAL

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2,183
Mental Piranhas
3 years ago2,411 words
I'M MENTALLY ILL. Did you know that?? I might not have mentioned it hundreds of times before, I forget. It's been worse than usual this week, so here's some venting about money woes, and how toxic communities have and continue to exacerbate the social anxiety that's already prevented me from seizing so many opportunities...
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PERSONAL

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1,771
Video Call Take 2, Piano Miniatures
3 years ago2,162 words
A bit of a diary entry: I had another video call with a friend which was way less awkward than the last, which gave me some social confidence though I'm still paranoid of being noticed and judged, and I composed six short piano pieces this week - and have an album of 18 more from between 2012 and 2019 - but it's a shame that's not really a marketable thing that people would care about!
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PERSONAL

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1,827
Week Off - Video Call, Insecurities, Moving Out?
3 years ago2,512 words
I didn't do any work this week, as I said in last week's post would be the plan, so here's a personal post about all the exciting things I got up to instead!! I was meant to meet a friend, but didn't! I was meant to do a video call with a different friend, and did! I want to find somewhere to move out to, but have no idea where to even start looking!
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PERSONAL

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2,100
Various Brain Issues!
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago2,148 words
A bit of a frantic, anxious vent about recent brain issues I've been struggling with and distracted by, both physical and mental!
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PERSONAL

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2,159
Creative Envy
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago2,668 words
Did you know that Toby Fox composed a music track for Pokemon Sword & Shield? Because I didn't, and when I found out, I felt so weirdly envious about it! But why??
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PERSONAL

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2,064
Hello, I have Social Anxiety
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago2,471 words
No dev blog this week since I haven't worked on Atonal Dreams, so here's a ramble about my various mental issues! What fun!!
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PERSONAL

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Soul Hole
4 years ago1,814 words
Some scattered thoughts about the soul holes that loveless childhoods can leave us with. Cheery stuff, as usual!
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PERSONAL

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1,529
Hello Darkness, My Old Friend
5 years ago974 words
We've started on the path towards promoting and then releasing Sindrel Song! However, completely unsurprisingly, the various mental issues I have are getting in the way.
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PERSONAL

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3,253
I`m Broken! Buy My Game!
5 years ago1,778 words
I'm (still) taking forever to do the promotional stuff for Sindrel Song, due to my various mental illnesses. I've set up a page for the game, on which I talk about my backstory as a developer in some detail, but I wonder if I'm going in the right direction with it.
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PERSONAL

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3,230
Incapable
6 years ago2,648 words
I had my first radiotherapy session today. I've not produced anything yet though! Seems likely that my future will be determined by my Avoidant Personality Disorder...
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PERSONAL

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3,273
Met Up With a Friend, But Not With the Neighbour
6 years ago2,072 words
I spent a few hours with a friend from university on Tuesday - the first meaningful human contact I've had in months - which was nice. But I haven't talked to the neighbour I talked about in the previous post.
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PERSONAL

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Avoidant Personality Disorder: The Eschewnicorn Mind-Pilot
6 years ago3,291 words
Most people experience some kind of anxiety or shame in regards to social situations, especially those that go badly. For me, the mental monster that governs these kinds of reactions is perhaps the most potent and evolved of the menagerie in my mind; it's the 'boss' that holds the reins. It's drastically limited my life, and will likely continue to do so... so maybe my only option is to find a way of living 'around' it rather than trying to get rid of it.
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PERSONAL

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4,417
Birthday Cheer!! :D
7 years ago1,248 words
It's my birthday today. I was going to give myself the gift of sweet release from this miserable existence... but I'll probably just rant about that here instead. Yay!!
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PERSONAL

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2,725
Inappropriate and Incompetent
7 years ago711 words
I feel like I can't do anything right. That even when I try to, I make things even worse.
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