I've been working on Dreamons, slowly! My blood pressure measurements are very variable! And I did a test meant to suggest careers for my personality, which told me nothing new but was interesting nonetheless! READ MORE
I went to a Mindfulness class thing, and afterwards was reminded of how even minor positive real-world experiences can turn my inner world from night to day. I got wondering what I could pursue to get this more often... READ MORE
I've been feeling like an embarrassing disappointment lately, so I decided to try to actually do something about it instead of just whining every week... READ MORE
Some venting about recent sleep issues - likely a result of persistent life situation issues - and thoughts about my current game dev project, Dreamons, some old GBC Legend of Zelda games, and the Netflix adaptation of Avatar: The Last Airbender. READ MORE
I've been unable to work for the past few days due to dogsitting, though I've been unusually social via phone calls with friends. Also: canine social networking, R-CPD as a possible explanation for my lifelong inability to burp and recent chest pain, an intriguing game called Cocoon, a film called Marcel the Shell with Shoes On, and Patreon porn profits. READ MORE
I had the fifth session of the Counselling Skills course yesterday. I left before it ended, and I'm unsure whether or not to continue with the other 10 sessions. READ MORE
Another diary entry of sorts about my stumbling steps into the real world. I wish I'd been employed in my teens and twenties, so I wasn't such a poisonous pest of an alien now. READ MORE
The third class of this Counselling skills course didn't go as badly as I dreaded it might, mostly due to revising my expectations. Also, a brief account of exactly why I've been trapped in a pit, and which mental conditions I believe I do or don't have. READ MORE
Some venting in response to previous posts. Much of how I react internally to things these days comes from traumatic past experiences, and it's difficult to connect with people who are all like one another but different to you. READ MORE
Some venting of anxiety I feel about the second counselling class later today. I feel like I'm the alien in the group. I don't mind being an alien, I just wish I could meet another alien to hide away from it all together with. READ MORE
I went to the first class of the Counselling course yesterday, which was the first time I've been around a group of strangers in many years. My experience was... mixed. Some disappointment, some hope, some anxious assumptions confirmed, while others were challenged. READ MORE
I'm old and lonely and lumpy and sad, so here's some probably embarrassing ranting about that to relieve some of the stress my demons are causing me today. READ MORE
While AI can produce high-quality art quickly, in my experience, art's value comes from the creation process, at least in the sense of personal pride. Also, I've been losing sleep over doubts about the social dice roll I'll be making next week... READ MORE
2023's dead! Did I use it well? Ehh. I made a bunch of stuff, but I didn't complete any big projects like I would have wanted to. Mostly I felt lost, and frustrated by how my efforts seeking help to slow my descent into complete madness failed to really bear fruit at all. READ MORE
I’ve actually done a lot of work on Dreamons this week, gasp! Though instead of going into detail about that, here's some rambling about popular creations being most obsessively consumed by the young and impressionable. Also, did you know there's a mobile JRPG made by some of the creators of Chrono Trigger? Plus a brief bit about the loneliness epidemic. READ MORE
I'm still struggling with motivation, focus, general life stuff. I'm wondering whether to take an opportunity to start training as a counsellor... READ MORE
I've been working on stuff I don't want to show yet, plus here's some rambling about Tomb Raider, video game graphics plateauing, and an issue with my gamepad's right trigger. EXCITING STUFF. READ MORE
While lying in bed depressed, I had some ideas for creative stuff, and also saw this thing called The Amazing Digital Circus that you may also have seen! READ MORE
I finally feel like I have some vague idea of what kind of life might allow me to continue making stuff while paying the bills and not going (even more) insane?? READ MORE
Here's some rambling about the technicalities of how I create game animations that you probably don't understand or care about!! Also, I have a protagonist and story mostly sorted out now. READ MORE
I've been working on character revisions and story stuff for Dreamons, I talked to a couple of friends but not the counsellor, and I'm finding Tomb Raider III more frustrating than fun! READ MORE
I did a lot of stuff on this Dreamons project this week! Now you can collect summonable allies and alter your own appearance whenever you want from the menu. READ MORE
I got back to this side project last week! Now I'm planning to focus it around an 'evil' council not unlike MARDEK's Governance de Magi. Also, Unity bug and counselling-related awkwardness. READ MORE
Some noteworthy things have happened in the news recently! Not much has happened in my own life, though, due to a combination of taking time off, not being happy with where I am, and not knowing where I should go. READ MORE
I saw two interesting things from familiar online creators this week, which I wanted to write about: a video by Weebl (a Flash animator from not long before I released MARDEK), and some old soundtracks by ConcernedApe (creator of Stardew Valley)... READ MORE
YET AGAIN I'm caught up in lousy internal weather and haven't achieved as much as I'd like because of it. So frustrating. I suppose I composed a 16-minute-long piece of music, at least?? Don't know what I'm doing game-dev-wise these days, though... READ MORE
I had my 'first' (of this latest run, at least) counselling session, at long last!! (I can't remember how many times I've been through this process in the past!) READ MORE
I've now composed five (and a bit) pieces of music for this tin whistle I got less than a week ago! I also find it a shame how 'music' for most people is mostly about stuff beyond the actual arrangement of notes... READ MORE
I'll finally be seeing someone again about my crippling mental issues! I got a tin whistle! I replayed Memody: Sindrel Song for the first time in years and found it very moving! READ MORE
Did some Dreamons work this week, but mostly felt indecisive and burned out. Also, potential Patreon issue, and I should probably learn to use a DAW. READ MORE
I'm on a roll with this still-yet-unnamed project thing - or at least as much as I have been with anything lately - so again I've shirked other work to at least make some progress on it. Less than ideal, but better than wasting all my hours lost numbly scrolling through Reddit and half-watching YouTube videos I'll forget as soon as they're done. READ MORE
I'm not the only indie dev who struggles to find the motivation to work. Also, some minor mechanical additions to... whatever this side project thing I've been working on is even called! READ MORE
I've continued struggling to focus on games dev due to my recent attempts to get mental health help only exacerbating my issues. I composed some moody music about getting old though!! READ MORE
Ugh, yet another week where I've made no worthwhile progress on game dev projects, largely due to frustrations about the mental health 'help' I've been getting. READ MORE
I'm much older than I'd like. I met a friend, for the first time in almost two years! I also met someone who was supposed to help with my disconnection from society... READ MORE
I spent this week trying to tackle some things I'd been avoiding, including posting my music on YouTube, which I've finally started doing after talking about that for years!! I also spent a lot of time both on and waiting for phone calls. READ MORE
As I continue to take a break from Atonal Dreams due to an annoyingly prolonged flare-up of my mental health issues, I've been channeling my creativity into a side project which draws on other side projects from last year and games I've made or been inspired by in the past... READ MORE
How's your first week of 2023 been?? My mental state's improved a bit, but I've only touched Atonal Dreams briefly. I should post on Reddit about it soon; I altered ∞ its Steam page ∞ a bit for that. Also, some thoughts about a side project I've been working on, the game Child of Light, and are you worried about AI too? READ MORE
New Year's Resolutions! A chance for a life revision, as I see it. How well did I achieve last year's? And what do I hope for from this year? READ MORE
So how's your whole Christmas/end-of-year period been? I spent at least a week - starting from Christmas Day - alone, in bed, so depressed I could barely even move. So that was fun!! Have I ever mentioned that I'm mentally ill before? What, in most of the blog posts I've written this year, you say?? I've at least made stuff every month despite it, though slower than I'd like. READ MORE
A second post this week with some thoughts about art I drew a few days ago, and the kind of feedback artists hope for when showing other people the fruits of their hard work. READ MORE
Another days-late post! Depression slump continues. Some thoughts about a CBC port or remake and rambling about computer crashes and cutscene 'games' I enjoy making for myself but doubt would appeal to others. READ MORE
My mind's been all over the place this week! Old games! Pokemon! Me-made new Pokemon clone?? CBC platformer sequel?? Random computer issues??? Nothing on Atonal Dreams though. READ MORE
I've finally implemented the revisions to this website that have taken far longer than they really should have done! Am I presenting my game and myself in an appropriate way, though? Also, Pokemon Violet. READ MORE
For the second week in a row, this post's mostly just an excuse about how I've not achieved what I wanted to this week, due to general mental illness exacerbated by several situational stressors. Bleh. READ MORE
I intended to post a Weekly Update today... but haven't yet finished what I wanted to do before it, largely due to a distracting feeling of pressure on the top of my head which has been a source of concern and anxiety for years. I think I've finally come to a realisation about what's causing it, though!! READ MORE
This week, I made some Atonal Dreams improvements (mostly) based on feedback from the previous test, and intended to post about it on Reddit, but... am I too burned out? Should I focus on stuff like porting my old games first?? Am I just making up excuses to avoid doing something I have a strong trauma-related aversion towards??? READ MORE
I did very little this week - other than compile a list of tasks based on feedback from testers of the third alpha run of Atonal Dreams - because I had another MRI scan to check if my brain cancer has returned! READ MORE
I announced the start of the third alpha test of Atonal Dreams on Monday... but so far only one person has provided feedback. It's discouraging, but I blame myself! READ MORE
I've hinted in posts over the past few weeks that my mental health's been worsening lately, largely because I see the imposing mountain ahead of me - having to run a Kickstarter, and socially engage more than I have probably ever - and how insurmountable it seems, so it and the game might flop and I'll have to change my whole life around, which I believe I can't cope with, etc, etc. I've also mentioned that I needed to try and see a doctor to get treatment for my mental health again. So I've started the process on that... but... ugh. READ MORE
Ehh, I've had a weird week. Still a lot of tension and paralysis due to indecisiveness or a general feeling of crisis about the life path I've found myself on, but I feel it's at least started calming maybe after getting - and beginning to act on - some feedback about Atonal Dreams? READ MORE
I've spent this week waiting for feedback for the Atonal Dreams Alpha... or rather, that feels like an excuse to shirk work more than anything, as I find the mere thought of the next big steps - or the alternative severe life changes if this won't work out - so distressing. I should try to play a game for the first time in ages to destress and reinspire myself, but I've been struggling to decide which one! READ MORE
Gasp! I'm ready to start the next Atonal Dreams alpha test next week! Also I've maybe revised Alora Fane's logo and cosmology a bit? And a brief look at another 'solo' dev's Kickstarter, which evoked very mixed feelings in me... READ MORE
Some venting about the Avoidant and Dependent Personality Disorders that likely hinder me, awkward phone calls with friends, embarrassment while dog walking, and how much of a mental mess I generally am. READ MORE
I wasn't able to focus on Atonal Dreams this week, but I did make some maybe interesting progress on this side project, Mentales! Also, I've probably got COVID now. READ MORE
I've been writing some dialogue scenes this week! Also my new PC arrived! And a bit of a follow-up about the Ukraine war and the post I wrote about that recently. READ MORE
I turned 34 today. I've been assuming I'd be writing a moody post reflecting on how my life's hardly where I expected it to be at this unpleasantly ancient age, but I didn't expect I'd be talking about the threat of nuclear war! What a gift all THAT news has been!! READ MORE
This week, I made some significant revisions to Alora Fane's six elements, plus refinements to the affinities system I talked about last week, and some other miscellaneous things. READ MORE
I hoped to use this week to first get some non-game-dev things out of the way, then to do a bit of work on Atonal Dreams... but I didn't do either! One of those non-dev things was finally deciding on a new PC, so I've at least written about that here a bit?? Any help from those of you who know and care about this stuff would be appreciated (again)! READ MORE
I composed two new pieces of battle music this week... which I can't show off due to technical issues with my composing program. I'm also wondering about other ways of talking about my progress that might be more noticed... READ MORE
I haven't written a personal post in a while, so here's some rambling about a cold I have, my fruitful efforts to break through my reluctance to use Reddit, friendship and relative loneliness, and buying Lego to rekindle childhood joy! READ MORE
This week, I worked on combining three separate music systems in Atonal Dreams' code, but didn't do as much as I'd like due to a distracting dog! READ MORE
I've been very bad mentally these past few days! I want to distract myself by writing out another possible side project idea: a remake of sorts of Alora Fane: Creation, in which you can build your own little quests for others to play... READ MORE
I've maybe decided on a new PC to buy... but I'm still quite clueless about this, so I'd like to hear your thoughts about whether I've made a good or terrible decision before confirming it! READ MORE
I've got a few things I want talk about in this post: the hospital appointment wasn't as anxiety-inducing as usual; I'm wondering (not for the first time) whether to make a virtual pet mobile app; I'm wondering how to restructure my days to get more done; and a note about computer stuff! READ MORE
I got back to work on Atonal Dreams this week, which has been... mixed. A slow, frustrating start, and then various obstacles got in the way, so I wasn't able to get as much done as I wanted (a recurring story, that). One big recurring obstacle was my computer being even laggier than usual, so I've been thinking yet again about replacing it! I'm clueless about hardware though... READ MORE
I'm taking maybe a couple of weeks off Atonal Dreams to do some other stuff, like brainstorming other game ideas or trying to break out of my mental cocoon to socialise online in some small way... READ MORE
I'M MENTALLY ILL. Did you know that?? I might not have mentioned it hundreds of times before, I forget. It's been worse than usual this week, so here's some venting about money woes, and how toxic communities have and continue to exacerbate the social anxiety that's already prevented me from seizing so many opportunities... READ MORE
I spent this week working on the dark dream intro, though it's not finished yet! I also spent about a day fiddling around with a side project based on Belief - a game I worked on briefly a while back - for the fun of it. READ MORE
A bit of a diary entry: I had another video call with a friend which was way less awkward than the last, which gave me some social confidence though I'm still paranoid of being noticed and judged, and I composed six short piano pieces this week - and have an album of 18 more from between 2012 and 2019 - but it's a shame that's not really a marketable thing that people would care about! READ MORE
I didn't do any work this week, as I said in last week's post would be the plan, so here's a personal post about all the exciting things I got up to instead!! I was meant to meet a friend, but didn't! I was meant to do a video call with a different friend, and did! I want to find somewhere to move out to, but have no idea where to even start looking! READ MORE
I made a model of a nightmarish Beast this week, but I'm still really tired and unproductive so I'll probably take next week off to try and recover a bit. READ MORE
Another disappointingly unproductive week again, sorry! Here's me venting about that a bit. Also some thoughts about the replies to last week's post regarding what a 'standard RPG' is. READ MORE
A long one this week! I've been thinking I should trim out some vestigial features to focus more on the monster-skills mechanic, plus some replies to things people said in comments on last week's post (since I can't reply to them all individually!). READ MORE
Another productive week! I'm almost at the point where I can update the game for a new test run; I just need to tidy up a few bugs and things now. I have some questions related to MARDEK and games dev in general that I'd like to hear your thoughts about this time! READ MORE
I want to talk a bit about money again: how much I'm earning each month, and how the amount that other indie games raise on Kickstarter does convince me to give that a go. READ MORE
I finally heard back about how the brain scan I had like three weeks ago went. It found nothing to be concerned about, which is a huge relief! READ MORE
I've set myself the goal to finish off preparing the Steam page for Atonal Dreams today, but uncertainty's quite a barrier again so I'm writing a bit about it! READ MORE
I updated the website this week; I'll need to put Atonal Dreams on Steam next week, though I also have my next brain scan on Wednesday. This week's album contains some tracks I don't think I've ever released anywhere before! READ MORE
I finally got around to watching this film, and it's easily one of the best things I've ever seen! I don't want to write a full review or anything; I just wanted to post about it briefly because it felt wrong not to acknowledge it at all. READ MORE
I've not done anything on Atonal Dreams again this week because I've been ill, still! I did manage to add another album to the archive I've been building; I even drew some new art for it. READ MORE
Another extremely disturbed night last night; insomnia waking me into a vortex of frantic fretting about shifting symptoms that led to me pacing around my kitchen for an hour at 2am... So I'm writing about it again to hopefully find some relief. READ MORE
I'm still dealing with this anxiety, and writing about it seems to help, so here's another post in this little series about my broken brain! Yesterday I was seriously worrying about my sanity after seeing in my phone's history that I made a couple of calls in late November 2020 that I have absolutely no recollection of and might have made while asleep?? READ MORE
I've always thought of 'hypochondria' as just a dismissal of anything serious, though it's a real condition in itself which is probably responsible for what I've been going through lately... READ MORE
I've been having a lot of distracting headaches recently, and I'm not sure whether they're due to anxiety/depression or my brain condition... (EDIT: I just talked on the phone with a hospital nurse...) READ MORE
It was my birthday on the 25th, and I had a COVID-19 vaccine on the 27th, so I want to acknowledge those in a post! Also, interesting how Pokemon have decided to tackle their Sinnoh remakes, in a way that should please both those open to new ideas and those hungry for the nostalgically familiar. READ MORE
I didn't work on Atonal Dreams this week because my depression's been getting increasingly worse recently and I clearly needed a break. Did you know that antidepressants are probably placebos? READ MORE
Well, we survived 2020 somehow! Or at least some of us did, myself surprisingly included. I've also been quite productive this year, so - as is my tradition - I shall look back on all the stuff I've made here! READ MORE
I'm going to spend the end of the year focusing on things other than Atonal Dreams, to refresh my energy for it and my mind in general. There are three things I could work on: putting old games up somewhere (probably itch.io), releasing soundtracks of all the music I've ever composed, and maybe even starting work on a secondary game which combines Alora Fane: Creation and Belief, sort of! READ MORE
Did you know that Toby Fox composed a music track for Pokemon Sword & Shield? Because I didn't, and when I found out, I felt so weirdly envious about it! But why?? READ MORE
I don't know enough about marketing an indie game, so Atonal Dreams is unlikely to succeed financially unless I learn more. I've written out a list of questions I don't know the answers to, which I'll spend the next week or two researching. Seems more directed than just fumbling around watching videos in the general area! READ MORE
I took the last week and a half or so off working on Atonal Dreams, and did a bunch of other creative stuff instead, like modelling a human figure I hope to give dynamic, customisable features to! It's a big improvement over my last attempt at a dynamic 3D model back in 2017. I'm getting back to Atonal Dreams today, though. READ MORE
I took half of last week off development, and intended to get back to it mentally refreshed at the start of this week. I'm definitely not mentally refreshed though! READ MORE
I'm depressed and unmotivated. Again!! However, it's interesting seeing how much actually has changed for the better since another miserable post 3 months ago... READ MORE
I love my ideas for Divine Dreams, but making enough money from them is such a daunting prospect that maybe I should rethink what I'm trying to do. READ MORE
Here's another post about my continuing journey into the unfamiliar territory I need to explore if I'm to make anything of this games thing! In this one, I mainly talk about stuff from the comments on the last post. READ MORE
I've looked at a few other indie developers' Patreons to get ideas about how to structure mine. There have been disheartening things, some hopeful things; it's been a journey! READ MORE
My site's been down all week, and that's been incredibly frustrating. It's back now... but based on what support said, I don't know how long it'll stay up. READ MORE
My site went down, again! Very annoying!! It's back now (obviously), but I don't even know if the issue is fixed, so I still need to do some work there. MARDEK's waiting on review, but that's taking time too! READ MORE
I've spent the past few days in bed feeling abysmal, getting nothing done. So that's not great! It's because of several different things all piled on at once... READ MORE
My website was infected with malware, and it took two days to fix! Very annoying. I'm also having some general computer issues, though I don't know enough about the non-creative aspects of computers to know what's going on. Do you have any ideas?? READ MORE
Hello! Work on the MARDEK Re-release didn't go so well this week, but I have something to work with now. Also, it seems a lot of people are reaching out to people they might not have spoken to in a while during this quarantine, though I'm aware of how much my communication skills have degraded due to isolation. READ MORE
Porting MARDEK to Steam has been frustrating and so far fruitless; here's a bit of venting about it, to let you know how it's going and to relieve my own stress! READ MORE
While the world's being thrown into chaos by a virus, I've been worried about having to play with a dog. You know, one of those animal things with some ears and a few legs, like three or five or something like that. They make noises and breathe oxygen, I think. Also, my brain might be breaking again, but I hope not!!!!! READ MORE
I've not worked on Divine Dreams this week, so no Development post! I feel better after taking some time off, though; I probably needed a break. READ MORE
I've been enjoying development, but I do need to focus on some other related stuff - like promotion - for a while! Despite the usual annoying depression. READ MORE
It's my birthday today, so I felt like I should at least acknowledge that with a post. Today's mostly just business as usual - spending my time alone working on this game - but there's a background of miserableness because of some discouraging comments on the previous post, because they're right. I've been thinking about how I need to change as a person, but looking back on how I was just a couple of years ago, I'd say I've already come a long way! READ MORE
You know what time it is? It's time to write another blog post about how I don't have the time to do anything other than work on the game I'm making! Also I probably maybe possibly will start up a Patreon, though I need to do some more research first (and I'm concerned about time)... READ MORE
Depression's reared its heavy, leaden head these past few days. I've got stuff done despite it, but it's still annoying! Also, the attention my posts get is reducing over time rather than increasing. How do people - including YOU, dear, beloved reader - actually hear about games and keep up about their releases? READ MORE
I feel that BoJack Horseman's a deeply powerful work of media because its themes resonate with some in my own life, though I've been unusually well this past week. Also I'm wondering about reviving my Patreon account, but there are uncertainties. READ MORE
Here's some scattered thoughts about finding a daily routine that maximises productivity in the long term, a CBT-based thing I can do to maybe tackle my annoying avoidance issues, being uncertain about when and where to release my old music that I've recently been converting, and a little bit about another game that I've been playing! READ MORE
Since the start of the year, I've been trying to deliberately have lucid dreams, without success... until this morning, when I had my first intentional one! Gasp! READ MORE
This week, I went to the brain hospital (I'm not doomed just yet), didn't start playing a new game (but did get back into Beat Sabre a bit), was unpleasantly surprised by some feedback on last week's development post (but I think I understand the psychology of it), and was contacted by a group saying they're giving new life to old Flash games (but I wish I knew more about them)! READ MORE
I'm thinking of writing posts here on a weekly schedule; "Weekly Updates", like I used to do a billion years ago. I'll post two at a time, one personal, one about that week's development progress. Here's this week's personal one, where I wonder whether my too-frequent tiredness is due to my pineal gland being cut out, and whether that'll interfere with my ability to have lucid dreams... There's also a bit about politics, because that's always a good idea! READ MORE
As Old Father Time wraps his Chrono Dagger +4 rather roughly around 2019's frail and withered neck, breathing heavily behind its ear and savouring the sobs as he gets ready to lacerate its bulging jugular, I feel maniacally compelled to look back on how poorly I've managed to Live My Best Life during the preceding dozen months. I've made things! I released a thing even! It was not a success! I've started on something that'll be big, you guys, just you wait and see, for real, you gotta believe me, guys!! READ MORE
Memody: Sindrel Song is out now. The previous post is a quick announcement of that; this is a more in-depth ramble about my feelings related to it. READ MORE
I've been thinking about a few different ideas for how I might actually make something of this whole games development thing. Here are four things: "crapps", "talky thing", Kickstarter, and making versions of my old games available using a pay-what-you-want system. READ MORE
Exactly one year ago, I had major surgery on my brain to remove (most of) the tumour at its core. I'm still alive, but the significance of the date makes me reflective about what's happened - or hasn't - since then... READ MORE
There's a comment on the previous post which is apparently a negative review left on Sindrel Song on Kartridge. It mentions that the story's take on mental illness is childish, and the rest of the dialogue is 'odd incel talk'. I've been wondering to what extent other people might get a similar impression. READ MORE
I'm working on getting to the point with Belief where I can show a video of the gameplay. I'm not at that point yet, but here's what I've done so far. I'm wondering whether it might be best to make it a standalone game (rather than three chapters) at first, without connections to MARDEK, to see whether people are receptive to that before locking myself into something I might not finish, but there are still a lot of decisions to be made. READ MORE
We all play games for different reasons. Some psychologists have attempted to categorise different players based on their preferences, and I think it's worth talking about them - and the personality trait Openness (to Experience) - to explain some of the aversions to the projects I'm trying to make. READ MORE
I went to the BRAIN CANCER HOSPITAL today, for the first time since just after radiotherapy. My scan looked fine (that is, there were no shocking changes since the last one), which is a relief. I also found out a bit about why I'm so often fatigued. READ MORE
Last week, I talked about how I'm aiming to get Sindrel Song on Steam, but I'm unsure whether to self-publish or get a publisher. I've since read a bit about it, but I'm still not sure! READ MORE
We've started on the path towards promoting and then releasing Sindrel Song! However, completely unsurprisingly, the various mental issues I have are getting in the way. READ MORE
I built this tool for myself a while ago, which is supposed to help with productivity by allowing me to track what tasks I do and when. While it's not exactly working wonders - I've been feeling awful for weeks and have done barely anything, and all it's done is made that clear - recently I've had a few good days that aren't too embarrassing to include in a screenshot! READ MORE
I'm (still) taking forever to do the promotional stuff for Sindrel Song, due to my various mental illnesses. I've set up a page for the game, on which I talk about my backstory as a developer in some detail, but I wonder if I'm going in the right direction with it. READ MORE
I'm very curious about why we hold the beliefs and attitudes that we do; how they develop, how much they're influenced by our social affiliations and life experiences. Though now's hardly the best time for it with Sindrel Song's release coming so soon, at some point it might be interesting to write a bunch of shorter posts with specific hypothetical situations or questions, as that seems a good way to spark some interesting discussion. READ MORE
My particular mental illness is defined by an intense fear of being judged by other people, yet I'm aiming to publish my potentially unpopular!! project as publicly as possible. This leads to a lot of anxiety about how that might turn out for me, which takes up too much time and mental energy! Will I just end up being destroyed in some awful spiral of shame??? I've talked about that a lot already, but it's been getting more intense the closer to I get to release, so here's another vent about it so then I can get it out of my system and focus on adding the final touches... READ MORE
It's been a week since I last posted anything! Gasp. I've been very busy finishing off the last bits of Sindrel Song, and I'm almost done now!! READ MORE
Apparently I'm not cripplingly mentally ill because I don't appear blatantly broken to professional strangers I've talked to for a single conversation. Sigh! READ MORE
If you're interested in testing Sindrel Song (likely on PC first), let me know! Also some of the usual frantic rantings about this long-dreaded phase in this game's life cycle... EDIT: I think I'll stop accepting testers for now. Perhaps I'll run a 'phase 2' of testing later, once some changes have been made, so then I can know that they've actually fixed what they should have. READ MORE
I saw some kind of psychologist person at the cancer hospital today for an assessment, after mentioning my mental health issues to my cancer doctor months ago, during radiotherapy. I hoped to get a proper diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder, not because it'll change anything, but because I feel nobody would take me seriously if I'm just going on a self-diagnosis. Instead, I just ended up talking to her for two and a half hours about pretty much my whole life story, which included insisting that I don't have Asperger's, not for the first time, which then led to me wondering if I actually do, sigh... READ MORE
Despite constant, irritating fatigue, and woes about my present and my future, I've been slowly working my way through writing dialogue for Sindrel Song... READ MORE
My friend from university came over yesterday, which was the first time I've had a proper, prolonged social interaction with someone who wasn't a medical professional or my parents since the brain surgery. It was fine, but I was definitely aware of how all the treatment has affected me, and today I feel completely exhausted. READ MORE
I need to work on Sindrel Song, I need to upload my old games to my websites again, and I have plans for something MARDEK-related as well that I need to find the time to properly focus on. And I'm tired, still. Here's a vague plan for where I'm going from here. READ MORE
Here are some things that I didn't make, and which I talk too much about because I don't seem to be capable of doing anything better with my time at the moment. Enjoy!! READ MORE
Some cathartic venting about fatigue, lack of motivation, mental barriers, Alora Fane, and MARDEK 4. And this thing from Sindrel Song, obviously. READ MORE
Finally! Also some rambling about the procedure I had to go through, and some thoughts I've been having while lying ill in bed about the fragmented nature of the mental self... or something. I'm quite out of it at the moment. READ MORE
So, now that the 2018th year since our Lord Jesus Christ hatched from his egg is gasping out its final breaths, I feel the compulsion to have a look at exactly how I've wasted this period of my life that I'll never get back. I graduated from university (and made it through alive, to my surprise), I had brain surgery for a cancerous tumour (and made it through alive, to my surprise), and I did a bunch of creative stuff but never actually finished or released anything (and made it through alive, to the absolute shock of everyone). That's... something? READ MORE
Radiotherapy's getting easier, though it's still leaving me tired. And I've been trying to work on this associative memory game idea, but I'm unsure how to go about it; there are some fairly severe barriers in the way! READ MORE
As much as I'd rather not, I wonder whether I should try making some short, simple apps in the hope of earning money, which I could then use as a place of stability so then I might be able to work on my passion projects with less worry... READ MORE
I had my first radiotherapy session today. I've not produced anything yet though! Seems likely that my future will be determined by my Avoidant Personality Disorder... READ MORE
I know I vent about my personal problems on this personal blog a lot, but it always helps to get them out rather than just keeping them to myself. Brain cancer and loneliness are the biggest things at the moment, still, though I'm coping gradually with each of them. Still, I'd rather just start working on a game! READ MORE
It's been more than a month since I had brain surgery, and I was gradually recovering... but I seem to have taken a turn for the worse in the last week or two or however long it's actually been. READ MORE
I feel terrible still, but here's some disjointed rambling about my upcoming radiotherapy, the previous post's comments, Toby Fox, and ideas for a game I might make about a consciousness researcher exploring the afterlife. READ MORE
I had major brain surgery last Tuesday. It's now the following Tuesday, and I'm... well, I'm feeling terrible, but I'm still - remarkably - here. READ MORE
Here's a video of Zaffre and Cerise talking, showing the kind of format I've been intending to use to tell the Taming Dreams story. I'm so unsure about whether it's worth doing, though... Am I naive? Is this childish? Would it only lead to my destruction even if it did one day work out? READ MORE
I spent a few hours with a friend from university on Tuesday - the first meaningful human contact I've had in months - which was nice. But I haven't talked to the neighbour I talked about in the previous post. READ MORE
A young woman lives with her parents next door who I might very well be quite compatible with, but we've never even seen each other because I'm too weird. READ MORE
I'll be having brain surgery a week from now, and it's been difficult to focus with that weighing on my mind. Here's a bit about that, my plans for what I'll post over these next few days, and a bit about the manosphere stuff to follow the previous post. READ MORE
I've not been achieving as much as I'd like recently, and it's bothering me. I want to write about the reasons why here, in the hope that it might help me get back on track. READ MORE
This is a continuation of the story of my creative journey, which started with ∞ this post ∞. In this one, I talk about the first games that I made! READ MORE
After doing a whole lot of reflecting about the creative journey that I've been on over the years (which I briefly summarise here), I'm planning to return to Taming Dreams, but as a regularly-updating story told through 3D conversations rather than as a game. READ MORE
Creators are people, and their creations come about as a result of their life experiences, in some way or another. My experiences led to the creation of a series of games called MARDEK, but that was a lifetime ago. In this series of posts, I describe those life experiences, as well as why the ones I've had since then make it inconceivable that I could continue doing now what I did back then - at least not in exactly the same way. READ MORE
Are women oppressed by a patriarchal society, as feminism would have us believe? Or is it women who are privileged and men who are oppressed, as those who've taken the 'red pill' claim? Here's some ramblings about all that which have brought me a kind of peace, as well as a game concept that gender relations have inspired, based around the idea that the two sexes are playing different but overlapping games with dissimilar challenges, rather than one being absolutely more or less fortunate than the other in everything. READ MORE
I saw the neurosurgeon again on Wednesday, and I decided to have surgery at the start of September, in about six weeks. Here's what I want to try to achieve in that limited time... READ MORE
Most people experience some kind of anxiety or shame in regards to social situations, especially those that go badly. For me, the mental monster that governs these kinds of reactions is perhaps the most potent and evolved of the menagerie in my mind; it's the 'boss' that holds the reins. It's drastically limited my life, and will likely continue to do so... so maybe my only option is to find a way of living 'around' it rather than trying to get rid of it. READ MORE
I intend to return to ∞ a project I started a while ago called Embracing Eternity ∞, and I've been playing around with some ideas for a 'battle' system that'd be more in line with the concepts I want to explore. While I like it conceptually, I don't think it'd work as a fun game, unfortunately. I thought it might be interesting to share anyway though. READ MORE
I've spent most of my time recently revising for the final exam of this Psychology degree - I just finished it today, though there's one more little thing to do before it's all completely done - and I've also spent a lot of time with a friend, which is unusual for me, and which will also be over soon. I've also composed some more music! READ MORE
It can be frustrating dealing with someone with depression, especially when attempts to 'make them happy' aren't magically and permanently effective. I do understand that. I've read the comments on the previous post, and want to respond in this post. READ MORE
It's my birthday today. I was going to give myself the gift of sweet release from this miserable existence... but I'll probably just rant about that here instead. Yay!! READ MORE
I just want to say that I'm not dead yet, because I got (but didn't answer) a call from the police last night. I didn't know it was from the police until after I'd failed to answer it, and it might have nothing to do with anything here, but still, I thought I should say something to be sure. READ MORE
Games which aim to drain your wallet dry by relying on essentially the roll of a die aren't really the epitome of altruistic innovations, are they? I say, because I have to know about altruistic psychology for an upcoming assessment, but I spend too much of my time procrastinating with pointless mobile games... READ MORE
After playing around some more with my Oculus Rift, I'm amazed at the potential VR has to explore the nature of our perceptions... but I also wish I could just give up on the real world and live in a variety of virtual ones instead. READ MORE
Here's an interesting video supporting the idea (which I've thought for a long time myself and tried to explain before) that the best way to improve someone's unpleasant mood is to empathise with them rather than merely sympathising with them; to show that you feel their pain rather than to try to cheer them up: [LINK] READ MORE
I saw a performance (sort of) of Hamlet today with my housemates. It moved me a surprising amount, especially that most famous of soliloquies which seemed to put into wonderful words the thoughts I've been having recently. READ MORE
We exist to have sex, biologically. Everything else is peripheral. And it's really hard to want to keep going if you feel that physical connection isn't going to be a part of your life experience. For me, anyway. READ MORE
We should sympathise with victims of mistreatment. They've been through a lot and need love and care. But what of the pain the monsters feel? Who's there to care for them? Or should they just be slain? READ MORE
It was my first day of classes for the third year of university today. It's been a bit of a roller coaster. Crushing, suicidal despair, followed by a twinkling of hope. READ MORE
On a whim, I made a small social website specifically for students at my university with mental health issues to connect with one another, but I really can't decide if it's a good idea to actually announce its existence or not. READ MORE
The police just showed up at my house to talk to me about being suicidal. So if you're planning to ring them about that, please don't, since they've already been. READ MORE
I've felt for a while now that I was in some kind of sunset period of my story; that my life was nearing its end. That end - which will likely be self-inflicted - feels closer than ever, but is that such a bad thing? READ MORE
My recent creative work has been driven by an unfulfilled desire for connection... in various forms. I'll use this post to talk about something I've been playing around with recently. And also the thing in this screenshot. READ MORE
I feel the drive to do something creative, and I've been playing around with ideas recently... But the fear of criticism really gets in the way of producing anything, especially since I want to use art as a way of coping with and communicating my psychological struggles, which has hardly been met with eager excitement in the past. READ MORE
I've returned from my month in South Korea. I'd hoped it might be an escape from the despair of the usual rut, but I'm reminded of the line "wherever you go, you are there"... Still, overall I'm glad I went, and I feel I might have grown at least a little bit as a person, which was my main reason for going. READ MORE
It's been a relatively eventful week, the last for probably a while... I went for another checkup about my brain tumour, and also tried facing some weird fears... which put a lot of things into perspective and made me aware of how small and distorted my psychological bubble has become lately (and how valuable relationships are, again). READ MORE
I've finished my university exams, and now have a long summer ahead of me and I don't know what to do with it. All I can think about are relationships, and how much I've failed in that crucially important area of life. READ MORE
I enjoy creating things, particularly games, though it's been a while since I last did. I'm not sure what to work on now, though I've been using some games I've recently played for inspiration. READ MORE
In a dismal daze of masochistic procrastination, I did some silly online quizzes to see whether they confirmed my thoughts that my life and personality aren't much good. They did! READ MORE
My thought processes have been quite toxic for the last couple of years. This isn't leading anywhere good. Mindful acceptance seems the ideal antidote, so I want to work more on cultivating that. READ MORE
I'm not dead! Well, not yet, anyway. Though I have wished that I was several times over these past few weeks. Depression isn't a pleasant thing. I've been struggling with that, and my time's been consumed by academic work, but it's Easter now, and I've got three weeks where I should be able to relax a bit more. I want to get back into creative work, but I'm unsure what to do. READ MORE
Do other people think or care much about how well they can connect with others? Things I've read suggest it's a common concern, but I haven't got the impression that the feeling of disconnection dominates the minds and lives of others as it does for me. It feels - to me, at least - that connecting with others in a meaningful way is the purpose and meaning of life... But it's the thing I've always struggled most with, and... well, I've written about this many times before, but here I am impotently venting my frustrations again... READ MORE
I went to the neurology hospital again yesterday. So that was fun. Here's what my brain looks like! (It's the one on the right.) Not morbid at all!! READ MORE
I've been thinking a lot about suicide recently, again. To better understand why my mind would be lingering in this area so much, I've been reading a book explaining the factors that contribute to people wanting to no longer be alive... READ MORE
I've been a mess recently... Or I suppose I've been a mess for a long while now, but these past few days have been worse. Some of the worst in my life. I feel like I've lost or will lose my best friend, because of my faults and mistakes, and as she's been the thread that's kept me hanging onto life for a while now, well... READ MORE
I've got some emails about my games from someone who's clearly mentally ill. They're... definitely something. (Quote: "All filthy conduct, fornication and ''intimacy'', in thought, word, desire or deed, flings the soul into a sewer beneath every low beast.") Makes me think though about how everyone's thoughts make perfect sense to them, even the severely delusional. If my thoughts were bizarre, would I even know it? Also, loneliness. That's fun. READ MORE
Here's my list of resolutions for this year. Or I suppose they're more like goals rather than habit changes; I doubt that vague things like 'get fitter' or 'study better' would be worth adding since they're hard to assess and even harder to maintain for long periods. They tend to come in waves and spurts. So yes, these are what I hope to be able to say "yes, I did that!" about by the end of the year: READ MORE
As the world outside explodes in celebration, and people surely bond with and appreciate their many loved ones and all that, I'm here alone in the quiet of this little room, as always. I don't actually mind though, at least not at the moment; I've been keeping frantically, giddily busy recently with something inane and rather selfish that I'll talk about in another post. For now, I'd like to review last year's resolutions; I'll write new ones in a separate post. READ MORE
I haven't updated this thing in a while. I'm not dead. Yet. Though I still often feel as if I'd rather be, or if I already am in some sense. I mourn the apparent death of my once vibrant and fulfilling creativity in particular. A shame about that. Anyway, in the last few weeks I've been depressed - as usual - though I've also had enough tastes of actual happiness to motivate me to seek out paths to a better place. I feel I've also come to some realisations about the root of most of my psychological problems. Now that I've finished the rather draining academic assignments that have been eating up almost all my time recently, I'd like to write about everything here for my own benefit; it does seem to help to get it all out. READ MORE
The last couple of days were - for the first time in a long time - actually nice; I felt as if life were worth living, and the thought of ending it didn't enter my mind at all. It's because I made a conscious decision to shift my thoughts from sulking about receiving insufficient love, to giving love unconditionally for its own sake. The difference in the way I and the world felt was astounding; I felt as if the problem had been solved, the way to happiness revealed. Sadly, I seem to be slipping off that path again already... READ MORE
Can we ever truly change, I wonder? I notice a pattern repeating; it feels as if I'm losing my only friend for exactly the same reasons that I lost my girlfriend, when I had one all those years ago, despite spending years telling myself I'd learn and grow from my mistakes and become a better person. I'd still like to think that's possible, but it's a disheartening position to be in, feeling from observations of yourself that perhaps you're just beyond repair... READ MORE
I haven't updated this in a while. I've returned to university, and I arrived with hope that things might get better for me... They haven't. I've been trying to write this post for days, but it's been difficult to turn my scattered thoughts into writing. Here's another attempt... READ MORE
What I find most interesting about art is that it allows us to see another's subjective view of the world; I've talked about this a bunch of times before. So I prefer stylised works such as caricatures over photorealism (why paint what a camera could produce?). Extreme caricatures aren't the direction I want to take my own art in, though I do like the idea of exaggerating features to capture the 'essence' of an appearance rather than just its literal, objective features. READ MORE
I'll be returning to university tomorrow, and there's a lot on my mind. Specifically about personal growth; to what degree it's possible for me, whether it's more visible to others than oneself. I'm going to ramble in a stream-of-consciousness manner in this post, partly so then I can sort through my thoughts, and partly because I'll personally find it interesting to compare the weather of my mind at this point in my life with how it might be in a few months' time. READ MORE
I was recently wondering whether I had autism, as I feel out of place, think oddly, and struggle socially, but some reading suggests that perhaps that's just because I'm a moody artist. READ MORE
My previously asymptomatic brain tumour is now symptomatic, after having a conversation about it with the neurologist and dwelling on it without distraction for days. I strongly suspect psychosomatic symptoms rather than literal, physiological growth of the tumour manifesting 'real' symptoms, yet having that belief on the conscious surface of my mind apparently isn't enough to dispel the worrying sensations. READ MORE
I've been reading a lot recently, and many signposts seem to converge on the same path: in order to escape my sorrows, I should kill my Self. READ MORE
After weeks of waiting, depressed and hopeless, bracing myself to hear that my brain tumour would mean the end of my life as I know it in some way or another, I've finally found out what's going on with it and... well, it's a relief! It's not great news, as such, but it's better than the worst-case-scenarios I've been envisioning for ages. READ MORE
I went to the hospital today to talk about the test results of the biopsy on my brain tumour... though my mind's been elsewhere lately. Can I change what I am? Do I even want to? READ MORE
Have you heard of Pokemon GO? I doubt it; it's quite obscure. By sheer chance, though, I've managed to stumble upon it, and - in a continuing effort to distract myself from the darker things in my life at the moment - I've been poking ∞ Mongo ∞ a bit recently, and would like to ramble a bit about it. READ MORE
I find it interesting how many people envy those whose situation is different to their own, no matter what the respective situations might be... The prince who wants to be a pauper; that kind of thing. READ MORE
I'm due to have my sutures removed later today, so I'll be able to see the scar on my forehead for the first time. How much hair they shaved off. I'll also be able to wash my hair for the first time in ten days... which I'm looking forward to, since it feels so awful right now. Ten days... Hard to believe it's been that long, really. I think I'm getting better, slowly. But as the visceral novelty of brain surgery and hospitals loses its edge and fades into memory (though not as much as I might like; the daily physical reminders are a bugger), the same old negative thoughts begin to seep back in. As such, I'd like to do something I planned to do before all this. I'd like to use this blog to have a dialogue between my conscious self (in the sense that it's the self of which I am conscious; the Freudian ego), and my conscious self (in the sense that it's spiritually 'awakened', as opposed to the 'unconscious' fog of earthly delusions). Could be interesting. READ MORE
I got home... yesterday? I think it was yesterday? Or maybe the day before? The last week or so has been a blur, mostly. But I'm home now, resting and recovering. Not better - I feel godawful - and I still have potentially bad news waiting for me next week, but for now I'm on a road to recovery. I've been experiencing a lot of bizarre sensations both physical and psychological during the process... READ MORE
I'm still in the brain hospital. I've talked to more human beings in the couple of days I've been in here than I have the whole rest of the year, probably. It's really interesting how in falling apart, people come together to support those they might not otherwise... READ MORE
I had brain surgery a few hours ago, yet I live!! And still feel like me. Yay. My head feels like there's a knife stuck in it... But I'm in a hospital ward (my first time ever) and nurses are looking after me. Seems the surgery went well... Though it's not all over yet because the tumour might still need treatment. For now, though, phew. READ MORE
I'm currently in hospital, waiting for brain surgery tomorrow. I had a scan today to get a better idea of what might be in my head... I fainted when I was told that it was a tumour. READ MORE
I'll be spending next week in hospital, having brain surgery for what may very well be a malignant tumour. I'm genuinely not scared at all. I just feel numb, still because my life's so deeply dissatisfying that I feel I have so little to lose. READ MORE
I wrote in a (surprisingly) ∞ recent post ∞ about how I'd travelled for hours on trains to see a neurology specialist who, despite not having seen my brain scans, just dismissed me as a hypochondriac... I got a phone call from that neurology hospital just now telling me to expect another appointment soon; it seems he actually got and looked at my scans finally and changed his mind about there being nothing to worry about. READ MORE
I think too much about all the wasted opportunities of my past, and the bleakness of my future. This isn't wise! But it's so alluring when your present's so empty, and when society has so many time-bound milestones you're expected to achieve. How much am I too old for already? READ MORE
I've been simmering with frustration since yesterday about the feeling that what the world wants is not what I am. The feeling of being trapped by conditioning, genetics, preferences, fears. Though I originally started this blog in order to challenge my own negative, irrational thoughts by doing research about how best to overcome such things, I'm in such a foul mood right now that I just want to write out some snarling, ineffectual rant about what's bothering me, just to vomit it out somewhere so then it'll stop swirling around in my mind and I can focus on other things. Maybe it's not a good idea. But I'll do it anyway. READ MORE
I feel as if the 'me' that roams around and interacts in the real world is a completely different person to the 'me' that hides in my room alone for the entirety of almost every day. Getting out and being active gives me a kind of confidence and cheer that's absent when I'm stuck entirely in my mind. I just wish I had a chance to be that me more often! I did on Monday, though the 'imprisoned' me has prevented me from writing about it until now. I also went to sit outside in public and the sun just so then I could overcome certain fears and read some emails I referred to in the previous post... READ MORE
I'm not happy with my life at all. There's just so much I want to change! Often I think about all this with a sigh, depressed, hopeless about the mountain I feel I have to leap over, but I've just been lying in bed going over similar thoughts in a more motivated, hopeful way. I'd like to make use of this mood to write - for my own personal benefit - a raw train of thought about the changes I'd like to make. READ MORE
So much of 'success' in life is about being in the right place at the right time and knowing the right people... You could have tons of skill or 'talent', but it usually requires the right nurturing environment - and the contributions of other similarly skilled people - in order to be used to create something amazing. But where do you even find people whose skills are on the same level as your own? READ MORE
A number of comments from both friends and strangers recently have made me particularly aware that my thoughts are especially irrational. This is a huge concern, since it's not like anyone chooses to think irrationally. In their minds, everything makes sense; it's only when an outside observer comments that they can get an idea of how far their train of thought has strayed from reality. READ MORE
Those who have faith make requests of their god(s) or the conscious universe in order to get what they want from the world... While I've always thought the idea rather ludicrous, I've recently been wondering whether they're onto something. READ MORE
I've been meaning to make a vlog, and after putting it off for ages due to dreading seeing myself on camera (something I normally avoid), I just experimented with it a bit... I just want to get my thoughts off my chest, since it was quite unnerving! READ MORE
I'm currently sitting staring into space, on the verge of tears; moving any muscles feels like a monumental effort. My mind is filled with thoughts of hopelessness, failure and death. In short, I'm struggling. Perhaps writing out my thoughts here will help, difficult though it is to muster the energy to do anything at all. READ MORE
As I said in my previous post, I'll be very isolated for the next few months... but rather than seeing it as a stretch of soul-sapping emptiness, I'm trying to see it as a gift of time, which I can spend on various things. I'm going to write about a few of those things here. READ MORE
Almost all my time recently has been spent revising for the final exams of the first year of my Psychology university course, though I had my last one today. It's a bittersweet feeling, ending this chapter of my life, but it means that I can finally get around to making all the things I've been wanting to make! READ MORE
I seriously thought about suicide yesterday. It wasn't just a desire to not be alive; I get that all the time. This was something more potent... My mind shifted into a novel state of dark calm where the idea of ending it all seemed realistic and reasonable; my vision literally seemed to fade half black and all hope disappeared from my heart. I'm feeling better now, but it led to a lot of reflection about the state of my mind and life, and the factors that push people towards this most extreme of solutions to personal problems. READ MORE
I have to study positive psychology as part of my university degree, which I don't mind at all since I have an interest in that topic in the same way that someone stuck in a pit would have an interest in a ladder. It's sigh-inducing though reading through lecture slides that talk about how optimists are better at everything and live happier lives, but that optimism emerges from a history of positive experiences. It seems like a vicious cycle; those who are already happy have happier experiences, while those who have had no reason to be happy continue to be miserable. READ MORE
Though I made this site with the intention of writing about various psychological struggles and how they might be overcome, I also planned to use it as a diary of sorts, so I'm going to use this post to basically just ramble about recent personal stuff for the sake of catharsis! READ MORE
Firstly, I'd like to say that I've been really impressed by the comments here so far! Well, with a couple of deliberately malicious exceptions, but I'm trying not to think about those. There's a lot of thought, depth, insight and compassion in them, and I'm glad to have attracted the attention of people such as yourselves. I'd like to talk about a tangled mess of things in this post, though I'll try to use subheadings this time! READ MORE
I've been through a lot of heartache recently, and I've been trying to channel my own sorrow towards helping others. Strangers, mostly, on sites and apps that allow you to anonymously connect with people as a venter or listener. I've tried both roles myself, and it's led to a lot of thought about what actually helps other people who turn to others to soothe their aching hearts. READ MORE
"Wherever you go, you are there". Regardless of what you do or don't have in the world, you always have your thoughts, and those thoughts can mean the difference between heavenly contentment and hellish dissatisfaction. Happiness isn't about what you have; it's about how you think. The mind is like a beast within, and if you don't make efforts to control it - to tame it - then it will control you. Or so I've heard. But I wonder... READ MORE
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