I went to a Mindfulness class thing, and afterwards was reminded of how even minor positive real-world experiences can turn my inner world from night to day. I got wondering what I could pursue to get this more often... READ MORE
I had the fifth session of the Counselling Skills course yesterday. I left before it ended, and I'm unsure whether or not to continue with the other 10 sessions. READ MORE
Another diary entry of sorts about my stumbling steps into the real world. I wish I'd been employed in my teens and twenties, so I wasn't such a poisonous pest of an alien now. READ MORE
Some venting in response to previous posts. Much of how I react internally to things these days comes from traumatic past experiences, and it's difficult to connect with people who are all like one another but different to you. READ MORE
I'm old and lonely and lumpy and sad, so here's some probably embarrassing ranting about that to relieve some of the stress my demons are causing me today. READ MORE
While AI can produce high-quality art quickly, in my experience, art's value comes from the creation process, at least in the sense of personal pride. Also, I've been losing sleep over doubts about the social dice roll I'll be making next week... READ MORE
2023's dead! Did I use it well? Ehh. I made a bunch of stuff, but I didn't complete any big projects like I would have wanted to. Mostly I felt lost, and frustrated by how my efforts seeking help to slow my descent into complete madness failed to really bear fruit at all. READ MORE
I'm still struggling with motivation, focus, general life stuff. I'm wondering whether to take an opportunity to start training as a counsellor... READ MORE
While lying in bed depressed, I had some ideas for creative stuff, and also saw this thing called The Amazing Digital Circus that you may also have seen! READ MORE
YET AGAIN I'm caught up in lousy internal weather and haven't achieved as much as I'd like because of it. So frustrating. I suppose I composed a 16-minute-long piece of music, at least?? Don't know what I'm doing game-dev-wise these days, though... READ MORE
I've continued struggling to focus on games dev due to my recent attempts to get mental health help only exacerbating my issues. I composed some moody music about getting old though!! READ MORE
How's your first week of 2023 been?? My mental state's improved a bit, but I've only touched Atonal Dreams briefly. I should post on Reddit about it soon; I altered ∞ its Steam page ∞ a bit for that. Also, some thoughts about a side project I've been working on, the game Child of Light, and are you worried about AI too? READ MORE
So how's your whole Christmas/end-of-year period been? I spent at least a week - starting from Christmas Day - alone, in bed, so depressed I could barely even move. So that was fun!! Have I ever mentioned that I'm mentally ill before? What, in most of the blog posts I've written this year, you say?? I've at least made stuff every month despite it, though slower than I'd like. READ MORE
A second post this week with some thoughts about art I drew a few days ago, and the kind of feedback artists hope for when showing other people the fruits of their hard work. READ MORE
Another days-late post! Depression slump continues. Some thoughts about a CBC port or remake and rambling about computer crashes and cutscene 'games' I enjoy making for myself but doubt would appeal to others. READ MORE
I announced the start of the third alpha test of Atonal Dreams on Monday... but so far only one person has provided feedback. It's discouraging, but I blame myself! READ MORE
I've hinted in posts over the past few weeks that my mental health's been worsening lately, largely because I see the imposing mountain ahead of me - having to run a Kickstarter, and socially engage more than I have probably ever - and how insurmountable it seems, so it and the game might flop and I'll have to change my whole life around, which I believe I can't cope with, etc, etc. I've also mentioned that I needed to try and see a doctor to get treatment for my mental health again. So I've started the process on that... but... ugh. READ MORE
I hoped to use this week to first get some non-game-dev things out of the way, then to do a bit of work on Atonal Dreams... but I didn't do either! One of those non-dev things was finally deciding on a new PC, so I've at least written about that here a bit?? Any help from those of you who know and care about this stuff would be appreciated (again)! READ MORE
I haven't written a personal post in a while, so here's some rambling about a cold I have, my fruitful efforts to break through my reluctance to use Reddit, friendship and relative loneliness, and buying Lego to rekindle childhood joy! READ MORE
I've been very bad mentally these past few days! I want to distract myself by writing out another possible side project idea: a remake of sorts of Alora Fane: Creation, in which you can build your own little quests for others to play... READ MORE
I've maybe decided on a new PC to buy... but I'm still quite clueless about this, so I'd like to hear your thoughts about whether I've made a good or terrible decision before confirming it! READ MORE
I'M MENTALLY ILL. Did you know that?? I might not have mentioned it hundreds of times before, I forget. It's been worse than usual this week, so here's some venting about money woes, and how toxic communities have and continue to exacerbate the social anxiety that's already prevented me from seizing so many opportunities... READ MORE
I've almost finished the intro, but not quite! One thing I've yet to do is finalise a design for 'Splendid Savitr'. Also, I started playing Kingdom Hearts this week, which features more frustratingly aimless backtracking than I remember! READ MORE
I made a model of a nightmarish Beast this week, but I'm still really tired and unproductive so I'll probably take next week off to try and recover a bit. READ MORE
I've always thought of 'hypochondria' as just a dismissal of anything serious, though it's a real condition in itself which is probably responsible for what I've been going through lately... READ MORE
I've been having a lot of distracting headaches recently, and I'm not sure whether they're due to anxiety/depression or my brain condition... (EDIT: I just talked on the phone with a hospital nurse...) READ MORE
It was my birthday on the 25th, and I had a COVID-19 vaccine on the 27th, so I want to acknowledge those in a post! Also, interesting how Pokemon have decided to tackle their Sinnoh remakes, in a way that should please both those open to new ideas and those hungry for the nostalgically familiar. READ MORE
I didn't work on Atonal Dreams this week because my depression's been getting increasingly worse recently and I clearly needed a break. Did you know that antidepressants are probably placebos? READ MORE
I hoped to have Atonal Dreams ready for alpha testing this week, though depression got in the way of that. I've almost got there though; just a few more tweaks. Also another album of non-game music, from the same time I composed the OST for MARDEK. READ MORE
Most highly creative people struggle with depression to some degree, and I read an article about that which I wanted to mention here. Unrelatedly, maybe I could sell my old, unfinished games on itch.io? Do you know anything about it? READ MORE
Did you know that Toby Fox composed a music track for Pokemon Sword & Shield? Because I didn't, and when I found out, I felt so weirdly envious about it! But why?? READ MORE
I don't know enough about marketing an indie game, so Atonal Dreams is unlikely to succeed financially unless I learn more. I've written out a list of questions I don't know the answers to, which I'll spend the next week or two researching. Seems more directed than just fumbling around watching videos in the general area! READ MORE
I'm depressed and unmotivated. Again!! However, it's interesting seeing how much actually has changed for the better since another miserable post 3 months ago... READ MORE
I'd like to build the Discord I set up a while back into an actual community, but if you're interested in joining that, what would you want from it? READ MORE
I love my ideas for Divine Dreams, but making enough money from them is such a daunting prospect that maybe I should rethink what I'm trying to do. READ MORE
I've spent the past few days in bed feeling abysmal, getting nothing done. So that's not great! It's because of several different things all piled on at once... READ MORE
I've been enjoying development, but I do need to focus on some other related stuff - like promotion - for a while! Despite the usual annoying depression. READ MORE
It's my birthday today, so I felt like I should at least acknowledge that with a post. Today's mostly just business as usual - spending my time alone working on this game - but there's a background of miserableness because of some discouraging comments on the previous post, because they're right. I've been thinking about how I need to change as a person, but looking back on how I was just a couple of years ago, I'd say I've already come a long way! READ MORE
Depression's reared its heavy, leaden head these past few days. I've got stuff done despite it, but it's still annoying! Also, the attention my posts get is reducing over time rather than increasing. How do people - including YOU, dear, beloved reader - actually hear about games and keep up about their releases? READ MORE
Exactly one year ago, I had major surgery on my brain to remove (most of) the tumour at its core. I'm still alive, but the significance of the date makes me reflective about what's happened - or hasn't - since then... READ MORE
There's a comment on the previous post which is apparently a negative review left on Sindrel Song on Kartridge. It mentions that the story's take on mental illness is childish, and the rest of the dialogue is 'odd incel talk'. I've been wondering to what extent other people might get a similar impression. READ MORE
Last week, I talked about how I'm aiming to get Sindrel Song on Steam, but I'm unsure whether to self-publish or get a publisher. I've since read a bit about it, but I'm still not sure! READ MORE
We've started on the path towards promoting and then releasing Sindrel Song! However, completely unsurprisingly, the various mental issues I have are getting in the way. READ MORE
I'm (still) taking forever to do the promotional stuff for Sindrel Song, due to my various mental illnesses. I've set up a page for the game, on which I talk about my backstory as a developer in some detail, but I wonder if I'm going in the right direction with it. READ MORE
My particular mental illness is defined by an intense fear of being judged by other people, yet I'm aiming to publish my potentially unpopular!! project as publicly as possible. This leads to a lot of anxiety about how that might turn out for me, which takes up too much time and mental energy! Will I just end up being destroyed in some awful spiral of shame??? I've talked about that a lot already, but it's been getting more intense the closer to I get to release, so here's another vent about it so then I can get it out of my system and focus on adding the final touches... READ MORE
Apparently I'm not cripplingly mentally ill because I don't appear blatantly broken to professional strangers I've talked to for a single conversation. Sigh! READ MORE
I saw some kind of psychologist person at the cancer hospital today for an assessment, after mentioning my mental health issues to my cancer doctor months ago, during radiotherapy. I hoped to get a proper diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder, not because it'll change anything, but because I feel nobody would take me seriously if I'm just going on a self-diagnosis. Instead, I just ended up talking to her for two and a half hours about pretty much my whole life story, which included insisting that I don't have Asperger's, not for the first time, which then led to me wondering if I actually do, sigh... READ MORE
It bothers me that I'm having to worry about this game's story and characters being too repulsively depressing, when excessive, gory violence pervades media the majority go wild for... READ MORE
Here are some things that I didn't make, and which I talk too much about because I don't seem to be capable of doing anything better with my time at the moment. Enjoy!! READ MORE
I had my first radiotherapy session today. I've not produced anything yet though! Seems likely that my future will be determined by my Avoidant Personality Disorder... READ MORE
A young woman lives with her parents next door who I might very well be quite compatible with, but we've never even seen each other because I'm too weird. READ MORE
I've not been achieving as much as I'd like recently, and it's bothering me. I want to write about the reasons why here, in the hope that it might help me get back on track. READ MORE
Most people experience some kind of anxiety or shame in regards to social situations, especially those that go badly. For me, the mental monster that governs these kinds of reactions is perhaps the most potent and evolved of the menagerie in my mind; it's the 'boss' that holds the reins. It's drastically limited my life, and will likely continue to do so... so maybe my only option is to find a way of living 'around' it rather than trying to get rid of it. READ MORE
It can be frustrating dealing with someone with depression, especially when attempts to 'make them happy' aren't magically and permanently effective. I do understand that. I've read the comments on the previous post, and want to respond in this post. READ MORE
It's my birthday today. I was going to give myself the gift of sweet release from this miserable existence... but I'll probably just rant about that here instead. Yay!! READ MORE
I just want to say that I'm not dead yet, because I got (but didn't answer) a call from the police last night. I didn't know it was from the police until after I'd failed to answer it, and it might have nothing to do with anything here, but still, I thought I should say something to be sure. READ MORE
Here's an interesting video supporting the idea (which I've thought for a long time myself and tried to explain before) that the best way to improve someone's unpleasant mood is to empathise with them rather than merely sympathising with them; to show that you feel their pain rather than to try to cheer them up: [LINK] READ MORE
I saw a performance (sort of) of Hamlet today with my housemates. It moved me a surprising amount, especially that most famous of soliloquies which seemed to put into wonderful words the thoughts I've been having recently. READ MORE
We exist to have sex, biologically. Everything else is peripheral. And it's really hard to want to keep going if you feel that physical connection isn't going to be a part of your life experience. For me, anyway. READ MORE
We should sympathise with victims of mistreatment. They've been through a lot and need love and care. But what of the pain the monsters feel? Who's there to care for them? Or should they just be slain? READ MORE
It was my first day of classes for the third year of university today. It's been a bit of a roller coaster. Crushing, suicidal despair, followed by a twinkling of hope. READ MORE
On a whim, I made a small social website specifically for students at my university with mental health issues to connect with one another, but I really can't decide if it's a good idea to actually announce its existence or not. READ MORE
The police just showed up at my house to talk to me about being suicidal. So if you're planning to ring them about that, please don't, since they've already been. READ MORE
I've felt for a while now that I was in some kind of sunset period of my story; that my life was nearing its end. That end - which will likely be self-inflicted - feels closer than ever, but is that such a bad thing? READ MORE
I feel the drive to do something creative, and I've been playing around with ideas recently... But the fear of criticism really gets in the way of producing anything, especially since I want to use art as a way of coping with and communicating my psychological struggles, which has hardly been met with eager excitement in the past. READ MORE
I've returned from my month in South Korea. I'd hoped it might be an escape from the despair of the usual rut, but I'm reminded of the line "wherever you go, you are there"... Still, overall I'm glad I went, and I feel I might have grown at least a little bit as a person, which was my main reason for going. READ MORE
I'm not dead! Well, not yet, anyway. Though I have wished that I was several times over these past few weeks. Depression isn't a pleasant thing. I've been struggling with that, and my time's been consumed by academic work, but it's Easter now, and I've got three weeks where I should be able to relax a bit more. I want to get back into creative work, but I'm unsure what to do. READ MORE
I've been thinking a lot about suicide recently, again. To better understand why my mind would be lingering in this area so much, I've been reading a book explaining the factors that contribute to people wanting to no longer be alive... READ MORE
I haven't updated this thing in a while. I'm not dead. Yet. Though I still often feel as if I'd rather be, or if I already am in some sense. I mourn the apparent death of my once vibrant and fulfilling creativity in particular. A shame about that. Anyway, in the last few weeks I've been depressed - as usual - though I've also had enough tastes of actual happiness to motivate me to seek out paths to a better place. I feel I've also come to some realisations about the root of most of my psychological problems. Now that I've finished the rather draining academic assignments that have been eating up almost all my time recently, I'd like to write about everything here for my own benefit; it does seem to help to get it all out. READ MORE
The last couple of days were - for the first time in a long time - actually nice; I felt as if life were worth living, and the thought of ending it didn't enter my mind at all. It's because I made a conscious decision to shift my thoughts from sulking about receiving insufficient love, to giving love unconditionally for its own sake. The difference in the way I and the world felt was astounding; I felt as if the problem had been solved, the way to happiness revealed. Sadly, I seem to be slipping off that path again already... READ MORE
Can we ever truly change, I wonder? I notice a pattern repeating; it feels as if I'm losing my only friend for exactly the same reasons that I lost my girlfriend, when I had one all those years ago, despite spending years telling myself I'd learn and grow from my mistakes and become a better person. I'd still like to think that's possible, but it's a disheartening position to be in, feeling from observations of yourself that perhaps you're just beyond repair... READ MORE
I haven't updated this in a while. I've returned to university, and I arrived with hope that things might get better for me... They haven't. I've been trying to write this post for days, but it's been difficult to turn my scattered thoughts into writing. Here's another attempt... READ MORE
I was recently wondering whether I had autism, as I feel out of place, think oddly, and struggle socially, but some reading suggests that perhaps that's just because I'm a moody artist. READ MORE
My previously asymptomatic brain tumour is now symptomatic, after having a conversation about it with the neurologist and dwelling on it without distraction for days. I strongly suspect psychosomatic symptoms rather than literal, physiological growth of the tumour manifesting 'real' symptoms, yet having that belief on the conscious surface of my mind apparently isn't enough to dispel the worrying sensations. READ MORE
I'll be spending next week in hospital, having brain surgery for what may very well be a malignant tumour. I'm genuinely not scared at all. I just feel numb, still because my life's so deeply dissatisfying that I feel I have so little to lose. READ MORE
I think too much about all the wasted opportunities of my past, and the bleakness of my future. This isn't wise! But it's so alluring when your present's so empty, and when society has so many time-bound milestones you're expected to achieve. How much am I too old for already? READ MORE
I've been simmering with frustration since yesterday about the feeling that what the world wants is not what I am. The feeling of being trapped by conditioning, genetics, preferences, fears. Though I originally started this blog in order to challenge my own negative, irrational thoughts by doing research about how best to overcome such things, I'm in such a foul mood right now that I just want to write out some snarling, ineffectual rant about what's bothering me, just to vomit it out somewhere so then it'll stop swirling around in my mind and I can focus on other things. Maybe it's not a good idea. But I'll do it anyway. READ MORE
I'm currently sitting staring into space, on the verge of tears; moving any muscles feels like a monumental effort. My mind is filled with thoughts of hopelessness, failure and death. In short, I'm struggling. Perhaps writing out my thoughts here will help, difficult though it is to muster the energy to do anything at all. READ MORE
Since the world works in mysterious ways, immediately following my ∞ glimpse into oblivion ∞, I randomly saw ∞ this miniseries thing ∞ that dealt with suicide and depression in a way that brought me to tears. Sources call it a dark comedy, or even a sitcom, but I think that's misleading; it's quite intensely emotional and really quite odd. It gave me ideas about how I could use my own creative work to address the issues that are most resonant to me. READ MORE
I seriously thought about suicide yesterday. It wasn't just a desire to not be alive; I get that all the time. This was something more potent... My mind shifted into a novel state of dark calm where the idea of ending it all seemed realistic and reasonable; my vision literally seemed to fade half black and all hope disappeared from my heart. I'm feeling better now, but it led to a lot of reflection about the state of my mind and life, and the factors that push people towards this most extreme of solutions to personal problems. READ MORE
I have to study positive psychology as part of my university degree, which I don't mind at all since I have an interest in that topic in the same way that someone stuck in a pit would have an interest in a ladder. It's sigh-inducing though reading through lecture slides that talk about how optimists are better at everything and live happier lives, but that optimism emerges from a history of positive experiences. It seems like a vicious cycle; those who are already happy have happier experiences, while those who have had no reason to be happy continue to be miserable. READ MORE
I've been really struggling with procrastination recently. Funnily enough, one of the things I've been putting off is a research report I have to write about procrastination. I've started on it now, though, and I've learned some interesting things that I thought I might as well write about here. READ MORE
While searching for a random film to watch last night, one I'd never seen or even heard of before, I stumbled upon Anomalisa, which seemed like the sort of thing I'd not usually watch but which intrigued me as it was animated. Turns out it contained a surprising amount of explicit puppet sex! But it also resonated with me quite deeply as it explored themes of alienation and isolation. It's the sort of film that'll likely stay with me for longer than most Hollywood blockbusters do, and the sort of art that I wish I could make myself; a true inspiration. READ MORE
Firstly, I'd like to say that I've been really impressed by the comments here so far! Well, with a couple of deliberately malicious exceptions, but I'm trying not to think about those. There's a lot of thought, depth, insight and compassion in them, and I'm glad to have attracted the attention of people such as yourselves. I'd like to talk about a tangled mess of things in this post, though I'll try to use subheadings this time! READ MORE
I've been through a lot of heartache recently, and I've been trying to channel my own sorrow towards helping others. Strangers, mostly, on sites and apps that allow you to anonymously connect with people as a venter or listener. I've tried both roles myself, and it's led to a lot of thought about what actually helps other people who turn to others to soothe their aching hearts. READ MORE
"Wherever you go, you are there". Regardless of what you do or don't have in the world, you always have your thoughts, and those thoughts can mean the difference between heavenly contentment and hellish dissatisfaction. Happiness isn't about what you have; it's about how you think. The mind is like a beast within, and if you don't make efforts to control it - to tame it - then it will control you. Or so I've heard. But I wonder... READ MORE
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