Log In or Create Account
Back to Blog
PERSONAL

9

1,825
Headaches - But Why?? (Probably Anxiety) (EDITED)
4 years ago - Edited 4 years ago2,328 words
I've been having a lot of distracting headaches recently, and I'm not sure whether they're due to anxiety/depression or my brain condition... (EDIT: I just talked on the phone with a hospital nurse...)

Usually, while doing dev work, I divide my days into clear chunks: morning, afternoon, and evening, with meals at the start of each one. I've set up (and frequently update) four playlists of music 90 minutes long, which I put on while I work both to focus and to measure the time I'm working for. So in the morning I do one 90-minute playlist's worth of work, then a break, then another 90 minutes, and the same again in the afternoon. In the evenings I try and do other stuff, like drawing or music composition, or playing games, or just 'relaxing' (procrastinating on YouTube and Reddit).

I can't always manage to work for all four sessions - it depends on the day and what I have to do - but I'm usually able to do at least some work each day. Sometimes I'll lose the whole morning block but make up for it in the afternoon, or I'll do enough in the morning that the day doesn't feel wasted even if I'm unable to work in the afternoon.

Usually the reason I'm unable to work some days is due what I've been assuming is depression: an anhedonic fatigue that makes everything feel joyless and robs me of all energy and motivation to do anything. I've seen a few threads on Reddit over the past few weeks about depression (I imagine the prolonged pandemic is really taking its toll on a lot of people), and another one I saw today - ∞ "Depression takes away your willingness to fight against depression itself" ∞ - has this as the top comment:

I remember reading a book written by a psychiatrist who suffered from depression and in one place he said "In the depths of my depression, had someone put a pill on my dresser across the room that would cure my depression, I wouldn't have been able to summon the energy or motivation to get up and take it."

I think about that all the time.


I feel bad when I'm not able to work because of depression since I know I'm taking longer than I'd like to with Atonal Dreams - and finishing it is a goal I need to reach just to know whether or not to stick on this path or change - but it really does feel like I 'have no choice', or like even though I desperately want to do certain things, I just can't bring myself to do it. Then that leads to feelings of guilt that probably only compound the condition.

These past two or three weeks, I've been unable to stick to the schedule at all; my life's felt even more lost than usual. The main reason is what I need to do: I need to prepare for an alpha test of Atonal Dreams. Another is the vaccine that I had, which led to physical symptoms and a lot of anxiety about physical symptoms, as I wrote about ∞ apparently less than a week ago ∞.

For the alpha test, I wanted to connect my Patreon account and Discord server, so patrons from the former could gain automated access to the latter. I dreaded this due to traumatic experiences running a community in the past, but I finally got around to establishing the link yesterday and - as the sensible part of my mind expected - it wasn't bad at all. If anything it was uplifting talking with people a bit and knowing that I'd done something that I needed to! I actually look forward to hearing how people feel about the game once I can enable access to it.

For that, though, I still need to create a Steam page, and I hoped I'd achieve that today, but haven't. Not due to fear or anything in this case; it's just so tedious uploading to Steam - see ∞ this page ∞ for an idea of part of the convoluted process - and the weight of the thought has just felt too heavy. (An itch.io upload would be way easier, but I need to put it on Steam anyway to start accumulating wishlists, so I might as well do that now.)

Instead I've got a crippling headache, which I've had for most of the day. It's a distracting mental vortex that sucks me in, flooding my mind with worries about what it could be and dark futures where it's a harbinger of something worse.

I think it's anxiety, but it's a literal fact that I've spent a lot of time in hospital recently because of a very real tumour in my brain. I used to get these pressure headaches all the time - it feels like a hand pressing down on top of my head - and was always 'reassured' that it was from 'staring at that screen all day!' or it was 'all in my head' (ha), just anxiety, etc... It turned out to be hydrocephalus, though - from the tumour blocking cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) flow in my brain - and my ∞ ventricles ∞ are apparently permanently enlarged due to being engorged for so long.

I had a ∞ third ventriculostomy ∞ - an operation where a hole was poked in my brain to create a new path for CSF to flow - a couple of years before the main surgery in late 2018 (it still amazes me that this surgery took half an hour but the other took something ridiculous like thirteen(?) hours even though both involve cutting into and exploring the brain). The literature about these says they can fail, so what if it's failed in some way??

The literature also says - from what I can tell, though most studies seem to be on children since hydrocephalus is mostly seen and treated in those - that whether or not it's failed is obvious fairly soon after the procedure, and it's been several years since I had mine done. I've also had additional surgery and a bunch of regular checkups - including scans - since then which have found no concerning signs.

But what if it's that anyway??

I'm a hypochondriac. Are you a hypochondriac? Do you google every medical symptom you ever have? I always have, and it used to be that I was paranoid about my headaches being a brain tumour since that was the worst possible outcome. A lot of neurotic people share that worry for the same reasons... but very few of those get the news that their fears were actually accurate. So even if I can acknowledge that my worries are probably just hypochondria, it's a whole lot harder to shake them off completely if they've actually been confirmed to be serious before. It's no longer just "what if it's a neurological issue?", it's "what if it's a neurological issue again??"...

I just have to try to focus on the evidence that suggests it's not that. I've been really anxious recently in general due to the stress from past trauma, the thought of the tedium of the Steam upload, the change from the more comfortable creative dev work, the vaccine and going out into the world for the first time in months to have it, anxiety about my anxiety condition... I've got every reason to have headaches from all that! It makes sense! So why can't my subconscious mind just accept that and relax?

Another sign is that I'm constantly noticing that my muscles are tense; I consciously relax them when I notice, but get lost in thought again and the tension's back next time I notice. I'm fidgeting a lot, chewing my lip, all these other physical signs of anxiety. It's obviously anxiety!

But anxiety is what leads to all the overthinking. I notice a thought, which brings anxiety along with it, then the increased arousal allows in more thoughts and they all swarm together to create this consuming cloud, this spiral of rumination...

I've been trying to distract myself to see if that would help. I've been playing Bravely Default II, in bed away from my computer, but I've been noticing my head feeling much worse from doing that, and I wasn't sure why so I fell into another vortex of 'maybes' and 'what if's that eventually led to this post. Is it because I've been resting on my head on a weird angle on my pillow? The entry point for the surgery was on the back of my skull, so maybe putting pressure on it is a bad thing that causes brain issues?? Or maybe the angle from half-lying-down was causing odd CSF flow and hydrocephalus symptoms??? Or is it because I've been playing it with my glasses off and that leads to eye strain or something????

Ugh, that kind of thing. If you're the sort of person who ruminates, you'll know how it is. Maybe a big reason I get lost in the spiral is because such 'distractions' aren't actually all that distracting; while grinding battles, my mind wanders, and attaches to and exacerbates every little physical symptoms until I'm frantically googling whether headaches feel like this for other people and wondering whether I'll have dropped dead before I go to sleep tonight.

The best distractions turn out to be meals - which I eat alone while watching stuff on my computer - and my symptoms (importantly!!) lift during these. Again, making it clear they're anxiety-rooted. But I only eat three times a day - I've never had snacks between meals - so they only provide limited relief. I find myself looking forward to them though; "I'll be alright when I can eat next". Weird.

I'll be having another scan later this month, so I've been hoping I'll make it until then!! But another thing I need to remind myself is that very similar symptoms have happened before, after the surgery but before a checkup, meaning I've had my brain scanned after them and nothing unusual was found. BUT WHAT IF THIS TIME IT'S-

Bleh. It just goes on and on! It's awful, having anxiety. I wonder how things like this are to read if you don't have some constant chatter in your mind fretting about every little thing.

BUT WHAT IF IT'S NOT JUST ANXIETY AND-

Sigh...

Anyway. I wanted to write this largely just to distract myself... or rather I suppose to face it head on and present the demons with some more sensible thoughts, maybe? It does help to write things out. I still feel very tense and my head's still aching, but I'm less concerned after looking at these things that it's a sign of more brain issues. Probably.

Because of all these issues piling on at once - this feels like such a bad time because of them all - I've been trying to use both my morning and evening blocks to relax and do non-work stuff - SINCE I CAN - but I've been hoping to achieve at least something during the afternoon one. I don't know if I'll push myself tomorrow, though. I mean I could get started on the Steam upload process - starting is always the hardest part - but... eh, maybe I'll just see how I feel about it, and if it's too mentally daunting, I'll do it next week.

I hate that I'm not just some perfectly professional and put-together person who could churn work out, but annoyingly I'm a human with a very flawed mind - it's amazing really I'm able to do anything I have done despite it - so hopefully you understand. I'm sure I'm more frustrated about these set-backs than anyone!

---

EDIT: I've lost literally the whole of today to worrying constantly about this, annoyingly!! I've had a head pressure feeling all day, and I really don't know whether it's due to just anxiety - including hypochondria and psychosomatic/nocebo effects - or whether it really is something related to my brain condition.

It'd be really odd if it was the brain thing right now with all the other anxiety-inducing factors, but I wondered all day whether to call the nurse just to maybe get some reassurance, or to move my next checkup (scheduled a couple of weeks from now) to sooner.

My anxiety had ramped up over the course of the day to the point where I couldn't bring myself to call, but my mum did because despite being a 33-year-old man I'm incapable of doing that myself apparently. Basically she was just told that I should call a nurse though.

While trying to work myself up to actually do that, I thought no, it's too obviously anxiety-related, I'll only be wasting their time, I'll just wait and see if it gets better by itself...

I got a call from the nurse anyway though and talked a bit... though if anything it only intensified the anxiety because now it's serious... I was told that maybe the scan can be moved to be sooner, though, so that's good... but chances are it'll still not be until some time next week.

Ugh, I keep shaking, I can't keep calm at all... I hate having an anxiety condition. It really is a constant battle between a sane and sensible ego, and a frantic, insane id which my ego's not exactly winning at the moment...

Hopefully this won't progress to anything worse though. I can't bear the thought of going through the whole treatment mess again. Or maybe I'll just end up dying. Ugh.

9 COMMENTS

Astreon152~4Y
At this point, and since you've been posting about this for quite some time now, there is only one thing to do, and I'm sure you know it, but have been avoiding it :)

CALL THE HOSPITAL, GET A BRAIN CHECK (a scan or MRI, or whatever).

Then you'll know for sure. Either anxiety-yet-again, or the cancer is back.

I know it must be frightening, but once you'll know for sure, you'll be able to address it accordingly.
And I know it's gonna be tough, because the hospital probably has huge delay issues because of the Covid, but in your case, it's an emergency. If it's any easier, ask your mom to make the call. But either way, the goal is not to just call: you MUST get an appointment soon, which means the caller will have to insist and be rude if need be.

I don't mean to pressure you, i'm saying all this is out of concern, but you seem to value your life more than you used to, so you need to find the courage to do it asap.

2
Tobias 1115~4Y
I've felt this way before though - like a year ago maybe - and talked on the phone with the nurse, who moved my next checkup forward a bit just for reassurance... and when I had that, nothing concerning was found. Essentially we decided that I'd raise the alarm again if my symptoms ever ended up more severe, like vomiting, visual or balance disturbances, etc, none of which I have currently. If I did, that would be an emergency for sure. I don't want to get into the habit of contacting the hospital every time I have a headache... I'd hate to be that sort of annoying patient! And there are too many factors at play at the moment that suggest it's probably just anxiety. I mean it goes away when I'm actually distracted. My parents have also both had headaches recently.

Still, they're always telling me to ring if I notice anything, it's been months since I last did, and I think I already postponed my next checkup anyway for reasons I forget (or maybe they did because of COVID). So if it's still a concern this afternoon, I'll call them then. I've just woken up and the headache's back now, but that's from going around in circles worrying about it.
1
Astreon152~4Y
Oh, i don't mean to say it's necessarily something nasty, i'm just saying in your situation, it's better to call and discover it's a false alarm than just wait and see.

There'll be shame and cringing on your side, but, well, wouldn't there be even if the call was for something serious ? And they are all medics, nurses, etc., they won't hold it against you, only you might.

It's not crying wolf, it's taking care of yourself.

But you seem to have made your resolve, I only hope you'll be honest with yourself about how you are feeling in the afternoon :)
2
mount201046~4Y
Ugh, I can't express anything better than "I relate". But then again, maybe that's a reason to post these online anyway - to reach others who might relate. I don't have any fancy-wancy magical words that will help you feel better, sadly (there probably isn't, given how much of these things are probably environmental issues or some kind of mental blockade that can only be solved from within or something). But I can say that I relate a ton to all these issues (rumination, being distracted only by eating, etc)...

Please continue writing these posts if you can. I've been sharing tidbits of these to my friends because they express my thoughts in a better way than I ever could express them in.
3
Tobias 1115~4Y
Knowing that these posts are of any value to anyone and that you can relate actually does help a lot, and I appreciate it! I'll keep that in mind; I've not been writing many personal posts for a while because I just assume nobody will care, or they'll find it annoying listening to the same madness over and over. But annoyingly a lot of us have to listen to a horrible inner broken record, and hearing that ours isn't unique does help reduce the volume a little bit.
0
MontyCallay101~4Y
Well, that’s… annoying, to say the least! At least you know you’ve done all you can do at this point. There’s so many things that might be going on for you right now (Considering– Steam forms, impending beta tests, opening Discords, COVID vaccine related fatigue, etc.) that I woudn't be entirely surprised if it was psychosomatic? Not that it helps you, I suppose!

Still, it's a good idea to get it looked at, considering your history! At least then you’ll have a degree of certainty that nothing’s physically wrong, ideally. A lot of your post seems to echo the frustration and anxiety of not being able to work at full capacity, and what that may imply. In this situation, surely you can feel justified to rest a bit, take some painkillers. Is there anything non-work/anxiety related that you can do in these stressful situations? I guess playing video games/browsing Reddit must be a kind of work for you at this point!
3
Tobias 1115~4Y
There are so many factors that I'd say it's blatantly obviously psychological/anxiety-based... but there's always the niggling but what if?! that my mind latches onto and runs with, building the anxiety which makes the headaches worse which gives the demons more ammo to use for their irrational arguments...

I will just try and take things easy for a bit, though; forcing myself at this point wouldn't lead anywhere good. Annoyingly playing games seems not to be enough of a distraction, so my thoughts spiral and my mind works itself up. So I've been trying to do creative stuff, which is at least somewhat distracting! Sometimes...
0
spritebob10~4Y
When I'm feeling too miserable to do anything productive or fun (because I can't concentrate), I sometimes get the brilliant idea that I should go out and take a long walk or a looong ride on the bicycle. It's brilliant because it's an activity that doesn't require concentration, but more importantly because it gives a healthy dose of physical exercise and fresh air that I otherwise don't bother investing time to get. Perhaps the most important thing though is that I'm 99% sure I always feel better afterwards... but even if the mood wouldn't change it still remains a fine choice of activity (due to the lack of good options and the long term health benefits they all say you gain from being physically active).
1
Tobias 1115~4Y
That's definitely a way to get several benefits at once, and I'm glad that walks help you in that way!

I used to go out for a couple of long walks a day while listening to audiobooks, which helped immensely... though recently I just end up feeling frustrated that there's nowhere to wander other than the same routes I've already travelled hundreds of times before, and my mind starts fixating on physical anxiety symptoms which build to the point of panic about some ridiculous imagined situation like wetting myself an hour from home and having to walk back in embarrassment.. or worse, I'll have some brain-related episode and just fall unconscious or something too far from 'safety'. Anxiety disorders are great, you know, I'd really recommend them to anyone.

Still, I should go out for more walks! I've only been managing maybe one 10-minute walk a week recently, so maybe I need to make a goal of improving that.
1
Log in to comment!