Alora Fane

It's so frustrating when there's a will and an intention, but nothing is produced!

Well. The plan was that I'd ask this weekend if anyone wants to help with Atonal Dreams' second alpha test phase - which I realised I should probably do through Patreon actually - after spending the week polishing the game to the point of presentability. That seemed entirely doable.

But I also talked about burnout last week. I thought maybe having the finish line right in front of me, knowing I just had to sprint a tiny bit further and then I could rest, would motivate me to give that extra push...

But, to my great frustration and disappointment, that's not what happened. Instead I must have done maybe four hours of work all week, and on top of that the manic motivation I had to work on personal projects for like 90% of my waking time over the previous two weeks had completely disappeared, and I wasn't able to do anything on those at all either. I opened them and tried a bunch of times, but just... nothing happened.

I've been in this position before, and I remember calling it 'creative constipation' in the past, because that's what it feels like. A need might be there, and a desire, but your body just doesn't seem to be cooperating and nothing comes out.

It's been especially strange because I haven't even felt the usual heaviness I'd attribute to depression. I've felt largely 'okay', neutral, but like I've just run out of MP or ammo or something. (Well, for most of the week; the heaviness has been back today.)

I've been wondering a couple of things: why has this happened?, and what should I do now?

Burnout is common - inevitable even - when working on anything creative, especially for a long period, so there's that. Human minds just aren't physically able to focus on the same project day after day for years.

I've been thinking about MARDEK 3, and how I finished that in about 3 years... but afterwards I was so completely sick of the very idea of it that I didn't want anything to do with MARDEK for the next several years. It took a long time to recover to the point where I could even look at the game again, which is a big reason - maybe the main one - I never continued the series. My memories of the development process are concerningly hazy - a few foggy flashes, at most - but I think I tried to work like all day on the game, every day? I also recall patches where I went weeks - maybe even months? - without touching it to give myself a break, but otherwise I was trying to devote morning, noon and night to it and, well, no wonder that led to catastrophic burnout!

So I want to avoid that with Atonal Dreams!

There are also some important comparisons with work as people typically do it. The overwhelming majority of workers couldn't just decide not to do work if they're 'not in the mood' or whatever. They have to just shrug it off and get things done regardless. Push through. But those workers are also getting paid for their work, often in proportion to the difficulty or complexity of the work that they're doing. They're also a part in a larger system, and others depend on them.

By contrast, I'm working alone, and I'm not yet really earning anything for Atonal Dreams, at least not as a worker might earn a wage or salary. I'm getting about $400 a month from ∞ Patreon ∞ donations (hmm, I notice it's gone down again), which I'm very, very grateful for, but I think about all the Americans earning six-figure salaries for jobs utilising just one of the several skills I use doing this. It's a foolish path I've chosen to take. (MARDEK sales must have mostly dried up, as I only seem to get Steam payments every other month now.)

It's why I'm hoping I'll be able to run a Kickstarter and earn a motivating amount of money from that... but then that's another thing. I know - subconsciously, even when I avoid actively thinking about it - that the next phase will involve first researching the best way to do one of those, then the actual process of running what's effectively a month-long marketing campaign. Which is completely outside my realm of interest and ability.

Like asking a hard-arsed military general to host a children's entertainment series or something.

We're suited for certain niches - I love making things! - but not others, and that's probably one of the worst fits for me that I have to navigate somehow anyway if I want to have any hope of sustaining myself from my creative output.

I wonder to what extent my previous MARDEK work would influence a Kickstarter's success, but I'd have to figure out how to reach old fans in the first place, and they might dislike Atonal Dreams because it's too different, and-...

There are so many uncertainties and anxieties surrounding it, so it's very likely that even if the higher parts of my mind really want to make progress, and know that making that progress would help me get out of the rut I'm in (I can't move out until I can afford to, I need to finish AD before deciding whether or not to look into changing my career path), there's some deep subconscious block that's just holding me back. Which is frustrating.

So what should I do about it? Take some time off?

I'm thinking maybe I could spend a week or so just focused on Mentales or something... though I've made zero progress on that all week despite intending to devote evenings to it.

I could try to play games... but I already wrote ∞ a post about thoughts relating to that ∞ a few days ago. Lots of mental blocks there, too.

I did actually get a new game to play since writing that, at least!

I was planning to get ∞ the remakes of the first six Final Fantasies on Steam ∞, but the bundle is £55, so I just stared at it with heavy reluctance for ages...

I eventually decided to instead get this absolutely bizarre thing called ∞ The Eternal Cylinder ∞ that I think I found through some random advert a few months ago? Or something? I have no idea whether it made any kind of splash or just sunk into obscurity like the dozens of other games released every day, though I'm assuming the latter (maybe it sold as well as Memody: Sindrel Song for all I know). I got it on Epic Games in a sale for like £10, so much less of an investment.

I was surprised by some interesting conceptual similarities with sindrels re a voice in these creatures' heads that grants them understanding from birth, though all 'dialogue' in this game is from a narrator.

It stood out to me because it seemed so bizarre, in a way vaguely reminiscent of Oddworld, though even weirder. It's an open world exploration kind of thing where you control a group of creatures that can 'evolve' adaptations - essentially skills - by eating things. It's okay, I suppose, though I've been feeling so bleh that it's hard not to see everything through that dark lens. I've only played it for an hour or two so far, and the thought of returning to it feels like a bit of a chore. I'll try to push myself though.

(A thought I had while playing it is that I like to complete everything, to explore every nook and cranny (Atonal Dreams is designed around this mindset), so I definitely prefer games with clear objectives and relatively linear paths with minor branches over wide open worlds where you're just left to your own devices (which this thing mostly is)... but then again I loved Breath of the Wild, so maybe it's just a current-mood thing.)

I can't play games all day though like I happily would have done years ago. I get tired or run out of energy after at most around three hours, though usually more like one hour. Very different to creative stuff, which I can focus on for longer and feel far more satisfied at the end of. So I wish I could focus on that!

So I don't know. It's frustrating. I'm frustrated! But very burned out, clearly. I wish I had some Ethers!!

Maybe I do just need to take some time off and recharge. Maybe if I make the decision to completely ignore Atonal Dreams for a week, it'll help me focus on things like Mentales?

Or maybe I should focus on something not creative... though most of what I do and enjoy would be excluded then!

I'm sure being so horribly isolated isn't helping, also, but that's not easily changed at all. I've been trying to comment a bit more on Reddit, but I just end up feeling socially anxious afterwards - like I've said something stupid or annoying or unwelcome or inappropriate - which is more draining than energising. Bleh. I don't know.

Thanks to those of you who commented on the other post! I do want to reply, but let's see if I even can... There are some emails I've been meaning to reply to for weeks as well, and I haven't even looked at my Twitter or Patreon PMs in probably months so I dread to think what I've been ignoring there (especially on Patreon, where I know I should be doing better). Someone could literally send me a million dollars and I'd probably just end up avoiding it. Pfft!

I want to spend the rest of tonight doing something valuable, but I bet I just end up lying in bed watching videos of the Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard trial, like so many people seem to be... Time well spent, for sure. Ugh.

10 COMMENTS

Falcon64~2Y

Have you considered going on holidays? More than just not working on Atonal Dreams, a complete change of scenery and getting out of your workspace might do wonders for you. There is a reason why it's suggested for people working from home to keep "work space" and "fun space" separate.

Doesn't have to be anywhere far, either; if you have some relatives living in another town, maybe, you could perhaps visit them for a week?

phsc57~2Y

Hey Tobias, a few tips from what I've learned when dealing with this sort of thing:

Taking a break is not a bad thing inherently, it is good to help you "build" the motivation again, but you must not forget about what you were doing and maybe do something related, for example, if you are making a game, maybe play a game that is sort of an inspiration or similar to that game, it can get the creative process flowing a bit again, exactly coming out of the thing you mentioned last post: When you play a game knowing how they are made and mostly as a developer, you start to judge it and compare, and you cannot really escape that, but that is solid deep down, because it is your brain setting up your... taste, basically, to put in very simple ways.

But, according to some psychologists I know and to an extent some research, it is sort of better (sort because these are not the ultimate best most solid research published on Nature made by some fancy Nobel prize winner) to just like, brute-force it and try to work on it, because burnout is natural but it is like a piece of wood that is stopping to burn for some reason, you need to... get it to burn again and while it might be harder because maybe it is colder or something, it is still possible? and if you do long enough the night will pass and the temperature will rise again, or something like that but written in a fancy way but by a famous author with one of those pictures of the sky and it is like one of these images you see on LinkedIn posts (which you probably don't know because you do not use LinkedIn, which is not a bad thing).

Anyway, one thing I wanted to mention in that last post I wrote is about discipline, and while most people have an idealized view of discipline, it naturally comes from patterns and routines you set the brain, there is solid research on this, I think for you to be productive it is good for you to set your days in a specific pattern, so your brain can recognize that and sorta do it in automatic, like start by waking up the same time every day (this is healthy in other ways), like lets say 9AM, then early on you think a bit to yourself and check some things, then most people would go and do like physical exercise (most people would wake up earlier) or something, then eat, then start working.
What you can do is like, sort of just think and ponder and check things during that time, just an example, and THEN after your mind is already like... sorta going, you start working and every single day you take at least like some time to do SOMETHING in the game, which is hard to do when you just finished a big system and need to start something big, but here is the catch: DOING THE FIRST FEW STEPS AND GOING TO DO THEM SORTA BOOSTS YOUR DOPAMINE MESSAGING (like this is a terrible of way to say that the pathways activate and your brain kinda gets you hyped), the reason routine is good for this is because this will basically always happen without you really stopping and judging if it should happen, you just naturally cling to that, and the rest flows naturally.
Discipline comes in at setting the routine which can be hard, but maybe try doing something like this if you have not?

Also another very important thing, expose yourself to sunlight after you wake up! this is sort of weird but when the eyes see blue and white light it sorta boosts your motivation and not only dopamine levels but many other neurotransmtiters, which you get more "hyped" "motivated" "productive" whatever the fancy keywords are, this also will make one sleep better, since your brain sorta works on it's own clock (the circardian rythm), which is wrong and is a bit above 24 hours, which makes people who do not "regulate" it properly always want to sleep later and later, the way you "regulate" it is by keeping a sleep routine/pattern, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, getting sunlight, because it is what defines it.
But by getting sunlight, you do not need to go outside and like spend 4 hours outdoors doing outdoor things, just open a window and let light in, and at night expose yourself to less light because it will relax you and help you sleep better and deeper, which I don't know is an issue or not for you since you've never mentioned this.

Another thing, alwayas get 7-8 hours of DEEP SLEEP, it generally takes like 30 minutes for you to reach that state, less than that and OVER THAT AS WELL you will be less focused, productive and more prone to mood changes, which in your case would boost the lack of focus and productivity even more since your mood changes won't be like screaming at people as a douchebag company boss, but instead just being in your bed unmotivated or something within these lines.

Also do not stay in bed for a long time after waking up! that is not good for motivation! but this is not as solid as what I said before as in... the science of it.

I think a mix of these actions and what I wrote last time will greatly increase your mana regen, capacity and all of that! maybe you'll even unlock some new spells!

Now I'll speak purely about my own experience, I experience burnout and such, I myself am making a game and I've done much less than you, but what I do is that I consume the sort of media that influenced what I am working on, be it movies, books, youtube videos, and of course, games. It reminds me of why I am doing what I am and often gives me new ideas and such.
And basically all the other types in my experience which is often anecdotal evidence, works to an extent, some more than others.

Hey Tobias, a few tips from what I've learned when dealing with this sort of thing:

Taking a break is not a bad thing inherently, it is good to help you "build" the motivation again, but you must not forget about what you were doing and maybe do something related, for example, if you are making a game, maybe play a game that is sort of an inspiration or similar to that game, it can get the creative process flowing a bit again, exactly coming out of the thing you mentioned last post: When you play a game knowing how they are made and mostly as a developer, you start to judge it and compare, and you cannot really escape that, but that is solid deep down, because it is your brain setting up your... taste, basically, to put in very simple ways.

But, according to some psychologists I know and to an extent some research, it is sort of better (sort because these are not the ultimate best most solid research published on Nature made by some fancy Nobel prize winner) to just like, brute-force it and try to work on it, because burnout is natural but it is like a piece of wood that is stopping to burn for some reason, you need to... get it to burn again and while it might be harder because maybe it is colder or something, it is still possible? and if you do long enough the night will pass and the temperature will rise again, or something like that but written in a fancy way but by a famous author with one of those pictures of the sky and it is like one of these images you see on LinkedIn posts (which you probably don't know because you do not use LinkedIn, which is not a bad thing).

Anyway, one thing I wanted to mention in that last post I wrote is about discipline, and while most people have an idealized view of discipline, it naturally comes from patterns and routines you set the brain, there is solid research on this, I think for you to be productive it is good for you to set your days in a specific pattern, so your brain can recognize that and sorta do it in automatic, like start by waking up the same time every day (this is healthy in other ways), like lets say 9AM, then early on you think a bit to yourself and check some things, then most people would go and do like physical exercise (most people would wake up earlier) or something, then eat, then start working.
What you can do is like, sort of just think and ponder and check things during that time, just an example, and THEN after your mind is already like... sorta going, you start working and every single day you take at least like some time to do SOMETHING in the game, which is hard to do when you just finished a big system and need to start something big, but here is the catch: DOING THE FIRST FEW STEPS AND GOING TO DO THEM SORTA BOOSTS YOUR DOPAMINE MESSAGING (like this is a terrible of way to say that the pathways activate and your brain kinda gets you hyped), the reason routine is good for this is because this will basically always happen without you really stopping and judging if it should happen, you just naturally cling to that, and the rest flows naturally.
Discipline comes in at setting the routine which can be hard, but maybe try doing something like this if you have not?

Also another very important thing, expose yourself to sunlight after you wake up! this is sort of weird but when the eyes see blue and white light it sorta boosts your motivation and not only dopamine levels but many other neurotransmtiters, which you get more "hyped" "motivated" "productive" whatever the fancy keywords are, this also will make one sleep better, since your brain sorta works on it's own clock (the circardian rythm), which is wrong and is a bit above 24 hours, which makes people who do not "regulate" it properly always want to sleep later and later, the way you "regulate" it is by keeping a sleep routine/pattern, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, getting sunlight, because it is what defines it.
But by getting sunlight, you do not need to go outside and like spend 4 hours outdoors doing outdoor things, just open a window and let light in, and at night expose yourself to less light because it will relax you and help you sleep better and deeper, which I don't know is an issue or not for you since you've never mentioned this.

Another thing, alwayas get 7-8 hours of DEEP SLEEP, it generally takes like 30 minutes for you to reach that state, less than that and OVER THAT AS WELL you will be less focused, productive and more prone to mood changes, which in your case would boost the lack of focus and productivity even more since your mood changes won't be like screaming at people as a douchebag company boss, but instead just being in your bed unmotivated or something within these lines.

Also do not stay in bed for a long time after waking up! that is not good for motivation! but this is not as solid as what I said before as in... the science of it.

I think a mix of these actions and what I wrote last time will greatly increase your mana regen, capacity and all of that! maybe you'll even unlock some new spells!

Now I'll speak purely about my own experience, I experience burnout and such, I myself am making a game and I've done much less than you, but what I do is that I consume the sort of media that influenced what I am working on, be it movies, books, youtube videos, and of course, games. It reminds me of why I am doing what I am and often gives me new ideas and such.
And basically all the other types in my experience which is often anecdotal evidence, works to an extent, some more than others.

Maniafig222~2Y

I can feel what you're talking about, having a period where it feels you get nothing done. I've had that in my personal life too, a week where I just kinda sit around and just scour the internet rather than doing something more meaningful. It never feels good to look back on a period of time and think "I wasted that time."

I remember back when MARDEK 3 came out, those many years ago, how I kept thinking "Wow, I want to see follow-up blogs to this release", which of course never came. From what you said, I can understand that you had a really big burn-out, I think back then it was kinda public knowledge on FH. It's still hard for me to believe you made all of MARDEK 3 in that timeframe, the game's so big and all.

I do have times at work where I get less done, usually during these times I either just do my work really slowly or I put things off and do other things instead... But eventually I have to finish everything within the deadlines. Sometimes a carrot just won't suffice and a stick is needed, and it's hard to make a stick oneself, it has to be external.

The FF Pixel Remasters are kinda weird to me, why would they want to streamline every game's graphics? I can understand it for FF1~3, but 4~6 already look fine as they are.

This Eternal Cylinder game does look strange. I see it's an Epic exclusive, a lot of these small-team indie games seem to go that route, no doubt since it's a financially secure strategy.

The game itself based on the store page looks to me like it's sorta like Spore, but with a focus on only the wilderness survival and evolution bits.

When the bit about eating to adapt came up it reminded me of Bugsnax, which I finished today! That game also has themes of change through consumption, but goes in a very different direction with it. It also let me make some really ridiculous looking NPCs. [LINK] (It's amusing to me that a game that very strongly emotionally resonated with me also looks like a childish cartoon nightmare!)

I can't really focus on anything too long myself, I tend to take pretty frequent breaks during gaming sessions. The rare cases where I don't take breaks are when a game is really doing it for me!

The internet and social media these days are so good at dragging people into rabbit holes of high-interest issues. The algorithm detects someone watches a video about a topic twice and before you know it you're in a crazy pipeline about that issue. And so often do these pipelines lead to utter crackpot content creators.

I remember back when MARDEK 3 came out, those many years ago, how I kept thinking "Wow, I want to see follow-up blogs to this release", which of course never came. From what you said, I can understand that you had a really big burn-out, I think back then it was kinda public knowledge on FH. It's still hard for me to believe you made all of MARDEK 3 in that timeframe, the game's so big and all.

I do have times at work where I get less done, usually during these times I either just do my work really slowly or I put things off and do other things instead... But eventually I have to finish everything within the deadlines. Sometimes a carrot just won't suffice and a stick is needed, and it's hard to make a stick oneself, it has to be external.

The FF Pixel Remasters are kinda weird to me, why would they want to streamline every game's graphics? I can understand it for FF1~3, but 4~6 already look fine as they are.

This Eternal Cylinder game does look strange. I see it's an Epic exclusive, a lot of these small-team indie games seem to go that route, no doubt since it's a financially secure strategy.

The game itself based on the store page looks to me like it's sorta like Spore, but with a focus on only the wilderness survival and evolution bits.

When the bit about eating to adapt came up it reminded me of Bugsnax, which I finished today! That game also has themes of change through consumption, but goes in a very different direction with it. It also let me make some really ridiculous looking NPCs. https://i.imgur.com/P9EXjjz.jpg (It's amusing to me that a game that very strongly emotionally resonated with me also looks like a childish cartoon nightmare!)

I can't really focus on anything too long myself, I tend to take pretty frequent breaks during gaming sessions. The rare cases where I don't take breaks are when a game is really doing it for me!

The internet and social media these days are so good at dragging people into rabbit holes of high-interest issues. The algorithm detects someone watches a video about a topic twice and before you know it you're in a crazy pipeline about that issue. And so often do these pipelines lead to utter crackpot content creators.

Tobias 1115~2Y

It's hard for me to believe I made MARDEK at all! Especially since I can't remember much of that period of my life, just fragments, which is concerning. I don't remember how often I worked on it, when I reached certain milestones, or how I went about releasing it or anything.

It'd definitely be more motivating if I had some deadline too, but then I wonder whether I could even cope with that in the long term, which is a big fear I have about getting a REAL JOB...

Now that I've played it a bit more, The Eternal Cylinder is more linear than I thought at first. You essentially explore little bits of 'open' world gathering ingredients and stuff, then once you pass through a barrier the cylinder starts rolling and you have to flee from it at speed to reach a checkpoint leading to the next bit, then that repeats many times. It means you can't explore much of the fascinating world even if you want to because there's a time limit. Strange design decision, makes me wonder if the areas are procedurally generated or carefully crafted only for the player to skip the majority of the layout. Some interesting lore and aesthetic stuff athough, so I'm enjoying it.

It seems so professionally made though - three different companies have their logos at the start - so I wonder how long it took, how many people worked on it, how much Epic Games pays and whether it was worth it. I'll have to look into it when I'm done!

Those are some tasty muppets! I briefly saw a youtuber playing Bugsnax a while ago, and thought the characters looked like muppets, but I don't remember how the game played or what it's about. It's hard for me to imagine something looking like THAT having a strong emotional impact though, so I'd be curious to look into it more!

It'd definitely be more motivating if I had some deadline too, but then I wonder whether I could even cope with that in the long term, which is a big fear I have about getting a REAL JOB...

Now that I've played it a bit more, The Eternal Cylinder is more linear than I thought at first. You essentially explore little bits of 'open' world gathering ingredients and stuff, then once you pass through a barrier the cylinder starts rolling and you have to flee from it at speed to reach a checkpoint leading to the next bit, then that repeats many times. It means you can't explore much of the fascinating world even if you want to because there's a time limit. Strange design decision, makes me wonder if the areas are procedurally generated or carefully crafted only for the player to skip the majority of the layout. Some interesting lore and aesthetic stuff athough, so I'm enjoying it.

It seems so professionally made though - three different companies have their logos at the start - so I wonder how long it took, how many people worked on it, how much Epic Games pays and whether it was worth it. I'll have to look into it when I'm done!

Those are some tasty muppets! I briefly saw a youtuber playing Bugsnax a while ago, and thought the characters looked like muppets, but I don't remember how the game played or what it's about. It's hard for me to imagine something looking like THAT having a strong emotional impact though, so I'd be curious to look into it more!

Maniafig222~2Y

Hearing the way you talk about MARDEK 3's development, I really understand why you can't go back to it. It would be unhealthy to, given all the burdens associated with it.

The way you describe Eternal Cylinder's gameplay loop throws me for a loop! I'd think it would be an open world game, about the last game to have a timer and tell players to hurry up!

Bugsnax certainly is a weird game. When it was part of the PS5 announcement trailer people quickly took note of it because it's such a bizarre choice to put in a launch trailer for the PS5. But pretty much everybody who plays it seems to agree it's really good. It impressed me how well it blends together the totally ridiculous Muppet children's show aesthetic with surprisingly real-feeling character arcs. It gets both surprisingly bitter, but also surprisingly sweet. I recommend it!

And it never stops being amusing to see these Muppet-people throw down such raw dialogue. [LINK] [LINK] [LINK] [LINK]

Hearing the way you talk about MARDEK 3's development, I really understand why you can't go back to it. It would be unhealthy to, given all the burdens associated with it.

The way you describe Eternal Cylinder's gameplay loop throws me for a loop! I'd think it would be an open world game, about the last game to have a timer and tell players to hurry up!

Bugsnax certainly is a weird game. When it was part of the PS5 announcement trailer people quickly took note of it because it's such a bizarre choice to put in a launch trailer for the PS5. But pretty much everybody who plays it seems to agree it's really good. It impressed me how well it blends together the totally ridiculous Muppet children's show aesthetic with surprisingly real-feeling character arcs. It gets both surprisingly bitter, but also surprisingly sweet. I recommend it!

And it never stops being amusing to see these Muppet-people throw down such raw dialogue. https://i.imgur.com/7s7UsFu.png https://i.imgur.com/DMLNEr3.png https://i.imgur.com/J92qaEu.png https://i.imgur.com/SkBW6c5.png

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kasheeste2133~2Y

So what should I do about it? Take some time off?

I've been thinking about your problems and have come up with a ridiculous yet entirely serious solution... Dr. Me thinks you need to take a couple days/week and get on a heavily modded minecraft server and let the ridiculous creativity flow forth.

Tobias 1115~2Y

I've never actually played Minecraft, and I don't have any interest in doing so, unfortunately! Maybe I'd have loved it if it came out in my childhood or teens, but now that I can make my own stuff, it doesn't really appeal to me.