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Weekly Update - Creative Constipation

3 years ago1,699 words

It's so frustrating when there's a will and an intention, but nothing is produced!

Well. The plan was that I'd ask this weekend if anyone wants to help with Atonal Dreams' second alpha test phase - which I realised I should probably do through Patreon actually - after spending the week polishing the game to the point of presentability. That seemed entirely doable.

But I also talked about burnout last week. I thought maybe having the finish line right in front of me, knowing I just had to sprint a tiny bit further and then I could rest, would motivate me to give that extra push...

But, to my great frustration and disappointment, that's not what happened. Instead I must have done maybe four hours of work all week, and on top of that the manic motivation I had to work on personal projects for like 90% of my waking time over the previous two weeks had completely disappeared, and I wasn't able to do anything on those at all either. I opened them and tried a bunch of times, but just... nothing happened.

I've been in this position before, and I remember calling it 'creative constipation' in the past, because that's what it feels like. A need might be there, and a desire, but your body just doesn't seem to be cooperating and nothing comes out.

It's been especially strange because I haven't even felt the usual heaviness I'd attribute to depression. I've felt largely 'okay', neutral, but like I've just run out of MP or ammo or something. (Well, for most of the week; the heaviness has been back today.)

I've been wondering a couple of things: why has this happened?, and what should I do now?



Burnout is common - inevitable even - when working on anything creative, especially for a long period, so there's that. Human minds just aren't physically able to focus on the same project day after day for years.

I've been thinking about MARDEK 3, and how I finished that in about 3 years... but afterwards I was so completely sick of the very idea of it that I didn't want anything to do with MARDEK for the next several years. It took a long time to recover to the point where I could even look at the game again, which is a big reason - maybe the main one - I never continued the series. My memories of the development process are concerningly hazy - a few foggy flashes, at most - but I think I tried to work like all day on the game, every day? I also recall patches where I went weeks - maybe even months? - without touching it to give myself a break, but otherwise I was trying to devote morning, noon and night to it and, well, no wonder that led to catastrophic burnout!

So I want to avoid that with Atonal Dreams!

There are also some important comparisons with work as people typically do it. The overwhelming majority of workers couldn't just decide not to do work if they're 'not in the mood' or whatever. They have to just shrug it off and get things done regardless. Push through. But those workers are also getting paid for their work, often in proportion to the difficulty or complexity of the work that they're doing. They're also a part in a larger system, and others depend on them.

By contrast, I'm working alone, and I'm not yet really earning anything for Atonal Dreams, at least not as a worker might earn a wage or salary. I'm getting about $400 a month from ∞ Patreon ∞ donations (hmm, I notice it's gone down again), which I'm very, very grateful for, but I think about all the Americans earning six-figure salaries for jobs utilising just one of the several skills I use doing this. It's a foolish path I've chosen to take. (MARDEK sales must have mostly dried up, as I only seem to get Steam payments every other month now.)

It's why I'm hoping I'll be able to run a Kickstarter and earn a motivating amount of money from that... but then that's another thing. I know - subconsciously, even when I avoid actively thinking about it - that the next phase will involve first researching the best way to do one of those, then the actual process of running what's effectively a month-long marketing campaign. Which is completely outside my realm of interest and ability.

Like asking a hard-arsed military general to host a children's entertainment series or something.

We're suited for certain niches - I love making things! - but not others, and that's probably one of the worst fits for me that I have to navigate somehow anyway if I want to have any hope of sustaining myself from my creative output.

I wonder to what extent my previous MARDEK work would influence a Kickstarter's success, but I'd have to figure out how to reach old fans in the first place, and they might dislike Atonal Dreams because it's too different, and-...

There are so many uncertainties and anxieties surrounding it, so it's very likely that even if the higher parts of my mind really want to make progress, and know that making that progress would help me get out of the rut I'm in (I can't move out until I can afford to, I need to finish AD before deciding whether or not to look into changing my career path), there's some deep subconscious block that's just holding me back. Which is frustrating.



So what should I do about it? Take some time off?

I'm thinking maybe I could spend a week or so just focused on Mentales or something... though I've made zero progress on that all week despite intending to devote evenings to it.

I could try to play games... but I already wrote ∞ a post about thoughts relating to that ∞ a few days ago. Lots of mental blocks there, too.

I did actually get a new game to play since writing that, at least!

I was planning to get ∞ the remakes of the first six Final Fantasies on Steam ∞, but the bundle is £55, so I just stared at it with heavy reluctance for ages...

I eventually decided to instead get this absolutely bizarre thing called ∞ The Eternal Cylinder ∞ that I think I found through some random advert a few months ago? Or something? I have no idea whether it made any kind of splash or just sunk into obscurity like the dozens of other games released every day, though I'm assuming the latter (maybe it sold as well as Memody: Sindrel Song for all I know). I got it on Epic Games in a sale for like £10, so much less of an investment.




It stood out to me because it seemed so bizarre, in a way vaguely reminiscent of Oddworld, though even weirder. It's an open world exploration kind of thing where you control a group of creatures that can 'evolve' adaptations - essentially skills - by eating things. It's okay, I suppose, though I've been feeling so bleh that it's hard not to see everything through that dark lens. I've only played it for an hour or two so far, and the thought of returning to it feels like a bit of a chore. I'll try to push myself though.

(A thought I had while playing it is that I like to complete everything, to explore every nook and cranny (Atonal Dreams is designed around this mindset), so I definitely prefer games with clear objectives and relatively linear paths with minor branches over wide open worlds where you're just left to your own devices (which this thing mostly is)... but then again I loved Breath of the Wild, so maybe it's just a current-mood thing.)

I can't play games all day though like I happily would have done years ago. I get tired or run out of energy after at most around three hours, though usually more like one hour. Very different to creative stuff, which I can focus on for longer and feel far more satisfied at the end of. So I wish I could focus on that!



So I don't know. It's frustrating. I'm frustrated! But very burned out, clearly. I wish I had some Ethers!!

Maybe I do just need to take some time off and recharge. Maybe if I make the decision to completely ignore Atonal Dreams for a week, it'll help me focus on things like Mentales?

Or maybe I should focus on something not creative... though most of what I do and enjoy would be excluded then!

I'm sure being so horribly isolated isn't helping, also, but that's not easily changed at all. I've been trying to comment a bit more on Reddit, but I just end up feeling socially anxious afterwards - like I've said something stupid or annoying or unwelcome or inappropriate - which is more draining than energising. Bleh. I don't know.

Thanks to those of you who commented on the other post! I do want to reply, but let's see if I even can... There are some emails I've been meaning to reply to for weeks as well, and I haven't even looked at my Twitter or Patreon PMs in probably months so I dread to think what I've been ignoring there (especially on Patreon, where I know I should be doing better). Someone could literally send me a million dollars and I'd probably just end up avoiding it. Pfft!

I want to spend the rest of tonight doing something valuable, but I bet I just end up lying in bed watching videos of the Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard trial, like so many people seem to be... Time well spent, for sure. Ugh.