PERSONAL

6

758

36th Birthday

10 months ago903 words

I am now Level 36. As always, I don't like this!

I planned to write a long post about Dreamons today, but considering it's a ~special day~ and I've had some mental health dips over the last few days, I'm taking the day off instead of spending hours writing a substantial blog post (they don't just pop into being out of nowhere).

I just looked back at ∞ the post I wrote on my 35th birthday ∞, where I mostly talked about a meetup with a friend and my efforts to break out of my shell.

I haven't met up with a friend in the year since then, so that's sad. And another friend I could have met up with has since moved country, so that's probably never going to happen now.

And all the efforts to get counselling etc went somewhere - in that I actually did see a counsellor eventually - but didn't really amount to anything expect wasted time I could have spent on creative work, and yet more disappointment and frustration added to the already gargantuan pile.

I don't know whether to go back to the counselling class next Wednesday. I'm leaning towards not bothering, and the idea excites me - or something like that - because it means I can use that time working on projects instead.

I do actually still spend most of my time doing that, though I'm aware I haven't really posted about what I'm doing in ages so to other people it must seem like I've been doing nothing. Maybe if I do stop worrying about how I might get back into the real world for a while, I can get back on track with regularly working AND finding the time and energy to write about what I've done.

I don't actually want to get out into the world and be 'normal', work a typical job as an employee. I like hiding in a cave making stuff by myself. I just wish I had someone to share that with, someone who wants to hide away too, and all my getting out there efforts are just attempts to find such a person. They never seem to amount to anything though because it's like going fishing in the desert, or something. What I'm looking for can't be found in the places I'm searching.

Engaging more with online communities is probably a better bet, and I've been getting more comfortable with talking on Reddit. Other things just remind me of the kind of monsters you can attract the madly tenacious attention of online, though, so... ugh.

Something I should do in the coming week(s) is try to finally push through my avoidance and address some barrier in the way of finalising the CBC port, which I was reminded of since I mentioned it in the post a year ago. I'll talk more about that when I can.



Something I've been wondering recently - or for a while, I suppose - is how these blog posts are perceived by people. Do you see them as sparkling chunks of 'content' in the stream we're all bombarded with every day, meant to entertain or inform? I suppose the game dev posts are meant to do the latter, though with posts like this I'm using my blog for self-soothing purposes (because it helps to talk and I have nobody to talk to) rather than to appeal to an audience.

Interspersing game dev progress updates with moody vents is an odd combination though, as I've likely talked about many times before (though as someone pointed out on the last post, I repeat myself a lot - a concerning amount since I don't remember the previous times - so maybe I've said this exact thing before).

I keep wondering whether to start some separate blog somewhere else, but I'm not sure. Do you know of any blogging sites people actually use? Or do you appreciate seeing the human side of things, bleak as it is? I would, and get frustrated by how little other creators share about what's going on in their minds, but it's one of many ways I feel different from others.



36. So old, so little - in terms of real-world achievements at least - to show for it. I don't know. I wish life had gone differently. I wish I'd found someone to share the journey with, but people scare me.

But then again, I remember a birthday back when I turned, what, 21? 22? Sitting side by side with my girlfriend I actually had back then, sulking about how badly I felt about everything. So it's not like finding someone would magically make it all go away. I know that, on some level.

I suppose people with poisoned minds are always dreaming of salvation that can never come, at least not externally, as their demons are inside. "Wherever you go, YOU are there", and all that. Look at all the rich and famous who still fell to ruin despite it all.

Anyway. I just want to make stuff. I like making stuff.

(BUT THEN AI WILL TAKE THAT AWAY SOON AND AAAHHHH-)

...I'll go and play a game to take my mind off things for a while, or something.



Thanks to those of you who've stuck with me despite it all, by the way. I don't say that enough but I think it all the time.