Alora Fane

I am now Level 36. As always, I don't like this!

I planned to write a long post about Dreamons today, but considering it's a ~special day~ and I've had some mental health dips over the last few days, I'm taking the day off instead of spending hours writing a substantial blog post (they don't just pop into being out of nowhere).

I just looked back at ∞ the post I wrote on my 35th birthday ∞, where I mostly talked about a meetup with a friend and my efforts to break out of my shell.

I haven't met up with a friend in the year since then, so that's sad. And another friend I could have met up with has since moved country, so that's probably never going to happen now.

And all the efforts to get counselling etc went somewhere - in that I actually did see a counsellor eventually - but didn't really amount to anything expect wasted time I could have spent on creative work, and yet more disappointment and frustration added to the already gargantuan pile.

I don't know whether to go back to the counselling class next Wednesday. I'm leaning towards not bothering, and the idea excites me - or something like that - because it means I can use that time working on projects instead.

I do actually still spend most of my time doing that, though I'm aware I haven't really posted about what I'm doing in ages so to other people it must seem like I've been doing nothing. Maybe if I do stop worrying about how I might get back into the real world for a while, I can get back on track with regularly working AND finding the time and energy to write about what I've done.

I don't actually want to get out into the world and be 'normal', work a typical job as an employee. I like hiding in a cave making stuff by myself. I just wish I had someone to share that with, someone who wants to hide away too, and all my getting out there efforts are just attempts to find such a person. They never seem to amount to anything though because it's like going fishing in the desert, or something. What I'm looking for can't be found in the places I'm searching.

Engaging more with online communities is probably a better bet, and I've been getting more comfortable with talking on Reddit. Other things just remind me of the kind of monsters you can attract the madly tenacious attention of online, though, so... ugh.

Something I should do in the coming week(s) is try to finally push through my avoidance and address some barrier in the way of finalising the CBC port, which I was reminded of since I mentioned it in the post a year ago. I'll talk more about that when I can.

Something I've been wondering recently - or for a while, I suppose - is how these blog posts are perceived by people. Do you see them as sparkling chunks of 'content' in the stream we're all bombarded with every day, meant to entertain or inform? I suppose the game dev posts are meant to do the latter, though with posts like this I'm using my blog for self-soothing purposes (because it helps to talk and I have nobody to talk to) rather than to appeal to an audience.

Interspersing game dev progress updates with moody vents is an odd combination though, as I've likely talked about many times before (though as someone pointed out on the last post, I repeat myself a lot - a concerning amount since I don't remember the previous times - so maybe I've said this exact thing before).

I keep wondering whether to start some separate blog somewhere else, but I'm not sure. Do you know of any blogging sites people actually use? Or do you appreciate seeing the human side of things, bleak as it is? I would, and get frustrated by how little other creators share about what's going on in their minds, but it's one of many ways I feel different from others.

36. So old, so little - in terms of real-world achievements at least - to show for it. I don't know. I wish life had gone differently. I wish I'd found someone to share the journey with, but people scare me.

But then again, I remember a birthday back when I turned, what, 21? 22? Sitting side by side with my girlfriend I actually had back then, sulking about how badly I felt about everything. So it's not like finding someone would magically make it all go away. I know that, on some level.

I suppose people with poisoned minds are always dreaming of salvation that can never come, at least not externally, as their demons are inside. "Wherever you go, YOU are there", and all that. Look at all the rich and famous who still fell to ruin despite it all.

Anyway. I just want to make stuff. I like making stuff.

(BUT THEN AI WILL TAKE THAT AWAY SOON AND AAAHHHH-)

...I'll go and play a game to take my mind off things for a while, or something.

Thanks to those of you who've stuck with me despite it all, by the way. I don't say that enough but I think it all the time.

6 COMMENTS

penguintoastfishfrog10~7M

Happy birthday.

I think it's pretty normal to not enjoy birthdays. I know personally after a certain point birthdays became filled with dread due to the sensation of life passing by too quickly, and a lack of achievements to show for it. So you're definitely not alone in that.

I wanted to highlight that you actually have plenty of achievements. You got a degree. You recovered/are still recovering from brain cancer. You've created games, art, music that have left their mark on thousands and been played/viewed/heard millions of times. You've made a difference. 100 years from now we'll all be dead but someone somewhere might still be playing your games.

Regarding the blog, I think I am more here for the life blogging stuff than the game dev blogging stuff. I'm more interested in getting to know you more as a person (weird though that sounds) gaining insights into your life and struggles, successes and disappointments. I don't know you, but I genuinely wish you well and want nothing but good things for you. It is quite strange. I am obviously only aware of your existence in the first place because of your games, but following your blog for I don't even know how many years, I feel like I have got to know you and it feels like I am now here more for that attachment, than for the initial connection through the games? If that makes sense.

Whereas the game dev stuff, while I find it interesting learning more about what you're working on (and I do get excited about the possibility of more of your old games getting ported), I think it's fair to say at this point that as long as you keep making stuff, I am going to consume that thing no matter what. And sometimes I tend not to want to read too much, as I tend to prefer to play games blind and avoid spoilers as much as possible!

Anyway, best of luck for the coming year. I'll be lurking away as always.

Enjoy your gaming

Are you at all excited for FFVII: Rebirth? That's about all I can see plastered all over the Internet these days.

Happy birthday.

I think it's pretty normal to not enjoy birthdays. I know personally after a certain point birthdays became filled with dread due to the sensation of life passing by too quickly, and a lack of achievements to show for it. So you're definitely not alone in that.

I wanted to highlight that you actually have plenty of achievements. You got a degree. You recovered/are still recovering from brain cancer. You've created games, art, music that have left their mark on thousands and been played/viewed/heard millions of times. You've made a difference. 100 years from now we'll all be dead but someone somewhere might still be playing your games.

Regarding the blog, I think I am more here for the life blogging stuff than the game dev blogging stuff. I'm more interested in getting to know you more as a person (weird though that sounds) gaining insights into your life and struggles, successes and disappointments. I don't know you, but I genuinely wish you well and want nothing but good things for you. It is quite strange. I am obviously only aware of your existence in the first place because of your games, but following your blog for I don't even know how many years, I feel like I have got to know you and it feels like I am now here more for that attachment, than for the initial connection through the games? If that makes sense.

Whereas the game dev stuff, while I find it interesting learning more about what you're working on (and I do get excited about the possibility of more of your old games getting ported), I think it's fair to say at this point that as long as you keep making stuff, I am going to consume that thing no matter what. And sometimes I tend not to want to read too much, as I tend to prefer to play games blind and avoid spoilers as much as possible!

Anyway, best of luck for the coming year. I'll be lurking away as always.

Enjoy your gaming

Are you at all excited for FFVII: Rebirth? That's about all I can see plastered all over the Internet these days.

Tobias 1115~7M

Thank you, I really appreciate this comment.

I do try and remember how my art has influenced many people across the world, and that's the main thing that's managed to convince me to keep living and creating.

I'm glad what I write is something you appreciate. These parasocial connections are strange things, but I suppose they scratch an itch not unlike literature, and following an ongoing life is essentially a neverending story. I'll keep sharing as long as at least some people care.

I like to go into games completely blind too and probably wouldn't view dev posts of any I was interested in! But I feel I have to post about my own otherwise nobody will know I'm working on anything. So that's a weird thing too, I suppose.

Interesting that FFVII: Rebirth has been everywhere for you; I've only got a couple of glimpses of posts about it and only realised it's coming out in a few days from you mentioning it here. Algorithmic bubbles and all that. I'd like to play it, but don't have a PS5, so I'll have to wait however long until a PC release (and even then I'll likely intend to play it for months before actually doing so, as was the case with Remake).

Thank you, I really appreciate this comment.

I do try and remember how my art has influenced many people across the world, and that's the main thing that's managed to convince me to keep living and creating.

I'm glad what I write is something you appreciate. These parasocial connections are strange things, but I suppose they scratch an itch not unlike literature, and following an ongoing life is essentially a neverending story. I'll keep sharing as long as at least some people care.

I like to go into games completely blind too and probably wouldn't view dev posts of any I was interested in! But I feel I have to post about my own otherwise nobody will know I'm working on anything. So that's a weird thing too, I suppose.

Interesting that FFVII: Rebirth has been everywhere for you; I've only got a couple of glimpses of posts about it and only realised it's coming out in a few days from you mentioning it here. Algorithmic bubbles and all that. I'd like to play it, but don't have a PS5, so I'll have to wait however long until a PC release (and even then I'll likely /intend/ to play it for months before actually doing so, as was the case with Remake).

fnuion77~7M

Happy birthday,
I dont know what else to write,I did enjoy reading your blogs about the counselling sessions,kinda relatable,As I am an introvert too.

You know. Maybe you cant find a girlfriend at a bookclub or some sorts where all the nerds hangout in the real world rather than online or though dating apps.

Laprilla14~7M

Leveling up is a fun way to look at it. Thirty-six isn't terribly old anyway. You've still got quite a few years to look forward to. And although it's cliche, people do meet loved ones sometimes in older ages, so I would encourage you to keep hoping if it's really important to you. I would also say that you might have better luck finding someone while doing things you love versus searching purposely. But I don't know. Most relationships I've had have been chance, although I haven't had that many friends or anything. But my closest friends have been people who loved doing many of the same things as I do. I suppose that's difficult if what you love to do is be a hermit, though. lol But good luck anyway. And I hope you have a good year this year.

Tobias 1115~7M

Yes, unfortunately all the stuff I like to do involves me at a computer by myself, and the stuff I've put out online has mostly attracted the interest of other men.

LotBlind53~7M

Personal ventings are what I'm mainly here for... It's more accessible than some detailed game design talk cause those I can't directly relate to or even fully picture without seeing it in action.